andybod
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 posted on 11/8/07 at 08:28 PM |
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try not to laugh
just read this on a subaru forum put ya drink down before you read
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ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS!
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary submitted this...
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn
Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little "something extra" for my wife Toni.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser.
The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against flesh or a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new
toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really (and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description,
but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of
it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
(&# %& (# %) (&#*#*)!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner and then body slammed us both on the carpet over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me
making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A ONE-SECOND BURST when
you zap yourself!!! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second
burst would be considered conservative.
That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles and offering a significant reward for their safe return.
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smart51
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| posted on 11/8/07 at 09:09 PM |
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I haven't laughed so much in ages. Thanks.
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akumabito
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| posted on 12/8/07 at 06:30 PM |
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Hahahahah, that was awesome!
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Confused but excited.
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| posted on 12/8/07 at 07:15 PM |
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PMSL.
They work brilliantly on some one with low skin resistance.
However, a word of caution.
I know someone who tried to use one of these to prevent a big, very angry, dude from giving him a slap.
Unfortunately for my mate, this guy had high skin resistance. Instead of big angry guy becomming a muelling lump on the floor. He turned into
something akin to a viking berserker!
My mate didn't get the slap he feared. He got the kicking of all time. A truly medieval beating of biblical proportions.
Still we all thought it was funny.
[Edited on 12/8/07 by Confused but excited.]
Tell them about the bent treacle edges!
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Hellfire
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| posted on 13/8/07 at 01:05 AM |
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Awesome man....
Steve
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graememk
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| posted on 13/8/07 at 10:40 AM |
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pmsl........ i'm still worried every time i cut the old mans lawn who has a suffolk colt mower that you have to short the spark plug out to
stop.
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David Jenkins
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| posted on 13/8/07 at 10:48 AM |
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quote:
Originally posted by graememk
i'm still worried every time i cut the old mans lawn who has a suffolk colt mower that you have to short the spark plug out to stop.
I used to have one of them! 12" cylinder thing - real sod to start - you have to flick a bit of metal onto the top of the plug to stop.
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