Tommy Cooper: 25 great jokes

1 • I'm on a whiskey diet . . . last week I lost three days!

2 • I went to a fortune teller and she looked at my hands. She said, 'Your future looks pretty black.' I said, 'Are you kidding? I've still got my gloves on!

3 • I said to the doctor, 'It hurts when I do this' [raises arm]. He said, 'Well, don't do it.'

4 • A woman rushed into hospital with her little boy and said, 'Doctor, my little boy has swallowed an alarm clock.' He said, 'An alarm clock? Does it bother him?' She said: 'It doesn't bother him, but it bothers me.' He said, 'Why?' She said: 'Well, every time I go to wind it up, he bites my finger.'

5 • I said to the chef, 'Why have you got your hand in the alphabet soup?' He said, 'I'm groping for words!'

6 • My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath, but I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!

7 • Last night I dreamt I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow had gone.

8 • A drunk was driving his car down a one-way street when a policeman stopped him. The cop said, 'Didn't you see the arrows?' He said, 'Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians.'

9 • Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.

10 • I took saxophone lessons for six months until I dislocated my jaw. How did I know I was supposed to blow in the small end?

11 • You know what a racehorse is . . . an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time

12 • What do you call an out-of-work jester? Nobody's fool!

13 • What does a kangaroo eat for breakfast? Pouched eggs

14 • My wife said 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet'. I said, 'chocolate fudge'.

15 • Never tell people your troubles. Half of them are not interested and the other half are glad you're getting what's coming to you.

16 • I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, 'Which way?'

17 • I said to my wife, 'I can't eat this beef stew.' She said, 'Shut up! It's custard pie!'

18 • Never trust an undertaker. He'll always let you down

19 • I said to the doctor, 'Can you give me something for my liver?' He gave me a pound of onions.

20 • I sleep like a baby . . I wake up screaming every morning around 3am.

21 • There's no end to his talent – and no beginning either.

22 • I was a dancer once in Swan Lake. I fell in.

23 • I went to see my doctor and he said 'I want you to lie down on the couch.' I said, 'What for?' He said, 'I want to sweep up.'

24 • I told the waiter, bring me a chicken. So he brought me a chicken. 'Just a minute,' I said, 'It's only got one leg. 'It's been in a fight.' I said, 'Well, bring me the winner.'

25 • Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?'

I backed a horse at 10 to 1... it came in at 2:15....

There are some TERRIBLE ones in amongst those!

quote:

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Originally posted by carpmart
There are some TERRIBLE ones in amongst those!

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Some more classics (apologies if any repeats) ...

A man walked into the doctors and said, "I've hurt my arm in several places?" The doctor said, "Well, don't go there anymore!"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home' ?" ... "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." ... "Is it common?" ... "It's not unusual."

I went to the butchers the other day and bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

An Ice Cream vendor was found lying on the floor of his van, covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. The Doc says, "I'll give you some cream for that."

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" ... "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." ... "What! Just because he's cross-eyed?" ... "No, because he's really heavy."

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I've cut your arms off."

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine', so that was nice of them.

Brilliant. That marshmallow one brought a tear to my eye!