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After every flight
TGR-ECOSSE - 31/5/07 at 01:02 AM

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

cossiebri - 31/5/07 at 07:09 PM

Superb !

flak monkey - 31/5/07 at 07:13 PM

Very old now, but still funny

wheelfelloff - 31/5/07 at 09:11 PM

quote:
Originally posted by TGR-ECOSSE

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!



Sorry to be an "anorak" but that is just not true. They have never had a "fatal" accident in a Jet Airliner. In their early days they lost quite a few passengers but all in piston engined aircraft.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Qantas_fatal_accidents

In 1999 they had a major accident with an aircraft landing in Bankok and were very lucky to maintain their much vaunted record.

http://www.abc.net.au/7.30/stories/s69092.htm

Still, I'd be more than happy to fly with them.

regards

Keith

TGR-ECOSSE - 31/5/07 at 09:18 PM

quote:
Originally posted by wheelfelloff

Sorry to be an "anorak" but that is just not true. They have never had a "fatal" accident in a Jet Airliner. In their early days they lost quite a few passengers but all in piston engined aircraft.


In 1999 they had a major accident with an aircraft landing in Bankok and were very lucky to maintain their much vaunted record.

Still, I'd be more than happy to fly with them.

regards

Keith


I did know about there record but it was a copy and paste from an email and at 2 O,clock in the morning i couldn't be a**ed changing it

Are you sure you would still fly with them as the by the law of averages they must be due one
Cheers Ronnie



[Edited on 31/5/07 by TGR-ECOSSE]

wheelfelloff - 31/5/07 at 09:45 PM

quote:
Originally posted by TGR-ECOSSE
[

I did know about there record but it was a copy and paste from an email and at 2 O,clock in the morning i couldn't be a**ed changing it

Are you sure you would still fly with them as the by the law of averages they must be due one
Cheers Ronnie


Hi Ronnie, yes I would still fly with them I never have been one for statistics. I've never had a problem with flying but driving these little cars, now that is risky.

To be honest, as my background is avaition I've seen this list many times before and actually had it pinned over the flight desk in one job but I still find it funny. The one major crime the ground crew could commit would be to write "no fault found" in the action taken column, that would get the aircrews backup and you would be sure to get the snag again and again until you dreamt up a way to "fix" it without actually doing anytihing.

I've also been "on the carpet" because two of my aircraft needed flight idle adjustments. The "chief engineer" couldn't grasp that it was set by the engine repair facility and could only be tested at 16,000'. Our engine test pad was only 534' ASL, he didn't appreciate me asking for the test pad to be raised but I was much younger and much braver in those days.

regards

Retired Anorak

Simon - 31/5/07 at 10:28 PM



On the subject of crashing, surely the law of averages means they'll be next

ATB

Simon