CRAIGR
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| posted on 25/10/11 at 06:50 PM |
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Joke thread
Post up your jokes here so we can all have a laugh.
I'll start
Guy walks in to a pub with a crocodile on a lead,
The barman screams "Get that thing out of here"
"It's alright he said the crocs really friendly"
at which he lifts the crocodile on to a table orders it to open it's mouth, places is manhood in to it and tell the croc to close his mouth
slowly, He then proceeds to smack the croc on the head with a half brick, orders the croc to open his mouth and removes his manhood unscathed!
"Does anyone else want a go" He asks
at that Stephen Gately appears out of a dark corner and says,
"Yes as long as you dont hit me on the head as hard as you did the croc!"
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Daddylonglegs
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| posted on 25/10/11 at 07:09 PM |
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Tada! 
Bloke walks into a pub (different one) and on his way in he slips on some dog poo on the entrance step.
Picks himself up, goes to the bar to order a stiff double. Sits down to enjoy it and halfway through his drink, the door opens and a man-mountain
walks in, slips on the doggy doo and lands flat on his backside. The guy sat at the bar says " I just did that", at which point, the hulk
gets up and wipes the floor with the first guy!! 
It looks like the Midget is winning at the moment......
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beagley
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| posted on 25/10/11 at 07:16 PM |
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A horse walks into a bar, not one with a croc or doggie doo, and the bartender says "Why such a long face?"
I'm not scared!!! I'm just marking my territory.
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Benzine
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| posted on 25/10/11 at 07:17 PM |
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fractional reserve banking
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CRAIGR
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| posted on 25/10/11 at 07:28 PM |
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There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a blonde and a brunette in a train carriage. The train passes through a tunnel, it goes dark, and there is the
sound of a heavy slap.
When they come out of the tunnel, the frenchman has tears in his eyes and a big red mark on his cheek.
The Frenchman is thinking... "That English pig has touched up the blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
The brunette is thinking "he's touched up the blonde and got a slap for it"
The blonde is thinking "he's touched up the brunette and got a slap for his trouble"
The Englishman is sitting there thinking...
"I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French b*****d again".
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se7en
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| posted on 25/10/11 at 07:46 PM |
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A man walks into a bar (not the bar with the croc, the dog doo or the horse) with a giraffe and both sit on seats at the bar.
The man orders a pint for him and a short for the giraffe and both drink them down. The man orders another round and they both down the drinks. This
goes on for round after round.
After about 10 rounds the giraffe collapses in a heap on the floor and the man makes his way to the door to leave. The barman shouts at him "You
can't leave that lying there". The man turns and replies " It's not a lion, it's a giraffe!" 
Where's my coat?
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Mr C
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| posted on 25/10/11 at 08:06 PM |
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A girl walks into a bar avoiding the doggy doo, croc, giraffe and Gately with a lump on his head and...
(see signature below)
[Edited on 25/10/11 by Mr C]
Girl walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one
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les g
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| posted on 25/10/11 at 08:10 PM |
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warning sexist joke
surveys have revealed that one in three women are as daft as the other two
cheers les g
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afj
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| posted on 25/10/11 at 08:28 PM |
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Went out on the town and met a hot pikey bird and after a few drinks she said 'wanna come back to mine for a good time'. Ok I said,
I had a go on the dodgems the waltzers and I even won a goldfish
eerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
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JoelP
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| posted on 25/10/11 at 09:15 PM |
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man in a bar, orders 10 whiskeys, and starts knocking them back. Barman asks if he's celebrating, chap grimaces and says 'first
blowjob'. Barman congratulates him and offers a pint on the house. Man declines, saying...
"if these whiskeys dont get rid of the taste, nothing will..."
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BigFaceDave
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| posted on 25/10/11 at 09:47 PM |
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A guy walks into a pub and orders a pint, as he sits down at the bar he puts a bag down and a noise comes from the bag like a small piano being
dropped, The barman asks "What was that?" the guy repies "well you would'nt believe me if I told you" the barman says
"well you best show me then", The guy puts his bag on the top and pulls out a small man and small piano and the small man starts to play a
song.
"Thats amazing!" Says the barman "where did you get him from?" he asks,
"I found a magic lamp, rubbed it and out came a genie and granted me a wish".
The barman is stunned and asks where is the lamp now? and the guy pulls it out of the bottom of the bag and gives it to the bar man and says
"have a go yourself".
So the barman rubs the lamp and out pops a genie and asks what the barman's wish is?
The barman thinks about it for a minute and then wispers in the genies ear and the genie says DONE! a big puff of smoke and the genie disapears and
when the smoke clears the barman sees ducks everywhere, he turns to the other guy and says "I asked for a million bucks not a million
ducks!" and the other guy said "What? you think I asked for a 10 inch pianist?!"
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jollygreengiant
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| posted on 25/10/11 at 09:59 PM |
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There I was on this Tyrolean holiday, walking along this very narrow mountain path. I had a 3000 foot shear drop to the left of me and a 3000 foot
shear climb cliff face to the right of me when I saw this beautiful blonde with a big bust walking towards me. I didn't know what to do, whether
to block her passage or toss my self off.
Beware of the Goldfish in the tulip mines. The ONLY defence against them is smoking peanut butter sandwiches.
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Badger_McLetcher
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| posted on 25/10/11 at 10:12 PM |
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If we're on pub jokes...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btDkHi2uo_s
If disfunction is a function, then I must be some kind of genius.
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vinny1275
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| posted on 25/10/11 at 10:19 PM |
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I ended up in bed with 3 Thai girls the other night, it was.like winning the lottery.
6 matching balls.....
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Chippy
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| posted on 25/10/11 at 10:23 PM |
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In 1967 72% of men kissed there wife goodby when they left the house. Today 88% of men who leave there wife kiss there house goodby. Not funny I
suppose, but true anyway, :-) Cheers Ray
To make a car go faster, just add lightness. Colin Chapman - OR - fit a bigger engine. Chippy
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Agriv8
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| posted on 26/10/11 at 07:09 AM |
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quote:
Originally posted by Chippy
In 1967 72% of men kissed there wife goodby when they left the house. Today 88% of men who leave there wife kiss there house goodby. Not funny I
suppose, but true anyway, :-) Cheers Ray
that was the closing line on QI on dave last night thanks as wifey asked me waht I ws laghing at and I could not get the word right.
regards
Agriv8
Taller than your average Guy !
Management is like a tree of monkeys. - Those at the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. BUT Those at the bottom look up and see a
tree full of a*seholes .............
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Slater
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| posted on 26/10/11 at 07:34 AM |
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A man walks into a bar.........bump...
It was an iron bar.
I'll get my coat.
Why do they call Port Harcourt "The Garden City"?...... Becauase they can't spell Stramash.
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cliftyhanger
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| posted on 26/10/11 at 07:50 AM |
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A man goes to the doctors,
"Doctor, i got a lettuce leaf growing out my bum,"
the doctor says,
"Drop your trousers and lets have a look, gosh, that's bad"
"Bad, Bad!" said the man," that's just the tip of the iceberg!"
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Peteff
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| posted on 26/10/11 at 09:29 AM |
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A woman took her son to the doctors with a peanut stuck in his ear. The doctor told her to pour some melted chocolate in and it should come out a
Treet.
yours, Pete
I went into the RSPCA office the other day. It was so small you could hardly swing a cat in there.
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MikeCapon
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| posted on 26/10/11 at 10:02 AM |
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Doctor: "Scalpel"
Doctor: "Clamp"
Doctor: "Saw"
Nurse: "Doctor, the patient's coming round!"
Doctor: "Circular saw"
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pajsh
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| posted on 26/10/11 at 12:18 PM |
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Two eggs, a sausage, and a mushroom walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast
My Doctor has advised me to start running.
I'm not ill or anything, I've been shagging his wife
Husbands, cheer yourself up by watching your wedding video in reverse. You'll love the bit where you give her back the ring, walk back up the
aisle, get into a car and f**k off.
I used to be apathetic but now I just don't care.
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scudderfish
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| posted on 26/10/11 at 01:32 PM |
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Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
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foskid
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| posted on 26/10/11 at 01:36 PM |
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An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a
big bump on his head and the golfer's ball Beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it
over the little guy, reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so
whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't
want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the
golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do
something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want.....a
great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic love
life.'
A year goes by and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he
again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there
waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just
want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally
famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all
right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.
And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I
just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know
were there!'
'I did that fer ye also And tell me, how's yer love life?'
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says
shyly, 'It's OK.'
'C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did
a good job. How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once,
sometimes twice a week..'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or
twice a week?'
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest
in a small parish.
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foskid
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| posted on 26/10/11 at 01:38 PM |
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children.
‘You all have obsessions,’ he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, ‘You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.’
He turned to the second Mum, Ann: ‘Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.’
He turned to the third Mum, Kathy: ‘Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.’
At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, ‘Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what
he's talking about. Let's pick Willy up from school and go home.’
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foskid
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| posted on 26/10/11 at 01:43 PM |
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A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he didn’t want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why
don't you give me a kiss?"
So she did... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You
could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl...."
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