geoff shep
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 posted on 28/9/07 at 03:28 PM |
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Tools and their uses
Not my work but funny all the same:
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the
handle.
DREMEL TOOL - A very useful tool for modellers which allows them to make more mistakes much faster, thereby turning £100 kits into spare parts, and
completely justifying the purchase of another £100 kit.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your
beer drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained piece you were drying.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG 3x3 FENCE POST: Used for levering a car upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to
the object we are trying to hit. Also used as replacement for screwdriver.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the
bumper.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful
for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wool wires.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
VICE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2"
socket you've been searching for in the last 45 minutes.
WIRE WOOL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "YEOWW!
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Paul TigerB6
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| posted on 28/9/07 at 03:57 PM |
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quote:
Originally posted by geoff shep
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to
the object we are trying to hit. Also used as replacement for screwdriver.
Nah
HAMMER: The first and most important tool you buy when purchasing a kit from Tiger Sportscars. Also known as Tiger Tool number one or TT1 for
short.
Now building my 2nd Tiger so I have 7 hammers in my toolkit of various sizes depending on how much "manipulation" is required to make
parts fit.
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thomas4age
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| posted on 1/10/07 at 03:09 PM |
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ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
Whahaha, until you die OF OLD AGE... Brilliant!
grtz Thomas
If Lucas made guns, Wars wouldn't start either.
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Mark H
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| posted on 1/10/07 at 06:37 PM |
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LOL - all true, especially in my hands!
Mark Harrison and
Q986 KCP back from the dead...
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