bi22le
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| posted on 17/4/12 at 05:01 PM |
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Both carer driven working parents, how do you do it?
Hi all,
Me and my wife have been married for about 18 months now, we have no kids but the inevitable is looming.
We have \ are discusing in length different ways to still work and also see \ enjoy a baby.
We are both very career driven and dont want to stop work completly, we are an even couple so dont want unbalance the work \ baby ratio too much
between us. We have the option of family members baby sitting but not huge amounts.
So I am just throwing it out there to you lot that may be in, or have lived, the same situation that I may be in over the next few years.
What work \ play balance did you find most suitable and any comprimises, thoughts that you can recommend?
Thanks,
Biz
[Edited on 17/4/12 by bi22le]
Track days ARE the best thing since sliced bread, until I get a supercharger that is!
Please read my ring story:
http://www.locostbuilders.co.uk/forum/13/viewthread.php?tid=139152&page=1
Me doing a sub 56sec lap around Brands Indy. I need a geo set up! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHksfvIGB3I
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JoelP
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| posted on 17/4/12 at 05:13 PM |
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After maternity leave, sue managed to go back for about 30 hours, but that was with a childminder for 2 days and grandparents for 2 days. Thats a lot
of money and a lot of favours. That said, grandpa absolutely loves his 'adventures' with my eldest (now 3).
Not so bad once they are 2 and can do playgroup/preschool type of things. From 3 years old you get 5 mornings or 2.5 days free playgroup.
Not so easy now number 2 is here though.
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scudderfish
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| posted on 17/4/12 at 05:17 PM |
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When Kate was born, my wife Sheila took a year off. Sheila went back to work 3 days a week and Kate went to nursery (I took her in the morning at
7:30am and Sheila picked her up at 17:30). When Kate started school I went down to 3 days a week as well. Now I work Mon-Wed, Sheila works Wed-Fri.
Kate goes to breakfast club and after school club on a Wednesday.
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whitstella
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| posted on 17/4/12 at 05:20 PM |
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hi
hi
having now got a 8 month old and the wife going back to work part time, its not been too bad but as he is getting older my spare time is almost gone
but that is down to me wanting to spend time with him now. as babies they just sit there but now he just makes me laugh (and cry at 3 in the morning).
finding the right balance could be hard but you do need family time, work time and me time and not enough hours in the day.
steve
best thing we have ever done having a little one its great.
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cliftyhanger
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| posted on 17/4/12 at 05:31 PM |
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Remember a baby is going to be THE most important thing, it is not just a slot in the day. And a baby makes you re-evaluate your priorities, often
within minutes of being born. I am not joking.
If you want children, be prepared that everything else takes second place. Even with my kids (just 17, first driving lesson yesterday) and 14, they
still need a lot of time. They are the commitment that other things have to fit around. And also bring more joy and happiness than anything you can
imagine (I shan't mention the other side of that)
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snapper
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| posted on 17/4/12 at 05:37 PM |
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There's no right or wrong, (caveat; no time with the child, why have one) but my daughter works as a full time nursery nurse in an expensive
nursery, she comes home full of what the kids have done, she is a key worker for some and takes the job seriously.
She is getting the best bits of pre school children and the parents are missing out.
Try to get as much time as you can and perhaps let work take a little less of you for a while.
You have maternity and paternity leave available in law and I would seriously look at using it.
I eat to survive
I drink to forget
I breath to pi55 my ex wife off (and now my ex partner)
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D Beddows
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| posted on 17/4/12 at 05:51 PM |
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Babies completely change your life and priorities - I was pretty certain I didn't need a child........till we had Jake and now he is without
doubt THE most importantand wonderful thing in my life and the 2 years since he arrived have been the most rewarding in my life. At the risk of being
unpoplular (again lol) I would say that if you don't want to compromise your lifestyle(s) to look after a baby/child then don't have one -
it's not fair on the kid packing them off to a childminder 5 days a week from a very early age, there's no subsitute for mum and dad imho
not to mention that you'll miss out on so much!
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bi22le
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| posted on 17/4/12 at 06:00 PM |
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Cheers for the feedback.
Certainly not the first people to mention priorities, and from your end of the time line it may seem difficult to think back how scuew your brain was
pre baby, for me it just seems an inconvenience. I like having money, sleep and time.
Also the point of how important enjoying the early days has been brought up a couple of times. Luckily my brother has a 15month old so I can talk to
him (and sis in law) about this, but also gets me to grips with interacting with small humans, they are cute!
The other thing is the grand scale of time. Dropping a day a week for a couple of years is not going to cause problems with climbing the carer ladder,
we are hoping, but may give us the balance we need.
Silly thing is that I am considering stating open university at the end of this year for 2 years, maybe I am mad 
Biz
Track days ARE the best thing since sliced bread, until I get a supercharger that is!
Please read my ring story:
http://www.locostbuilders.co.uk/forum/13/viewthread.php?tid=139152&page=1
Me doing a sub 56sec lap around Brands Indy. I need a geo set up! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHksfvIGB3I
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bi22le
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| posted on 17/4/12 at 06:04 PM |
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quote:
Originally posted by D Beddows
Babies completely change your life and priorities - I was pretty certain I didn't need a child........till we had Jake and now he is without
doubt THE most importantand wonderful thing in my life and the 2 years since he arrived have been the most rewarding in my life. At the risk of being
unpoplular (again lol) I would say that if you don't want to compromise your lifestyle(s) to look after a baby/child then don't have
one - it's not fair on the kid packing them off to a childminder 5 days a week from a very early age, there's no subsitute for mum and dad
imho not to mention that you'll miss out on so much!
So true, a guy at work has no kids, he understands there maybe something missing in his life one day. He forgets about it when he goes on his second
sking holiday and opens the door to his vast house. Greedy but content.
Biz
Track days ARE the best thing since sliced bread, until I get a supercharger that is!
Please read my ring story:
http://www.locostbuilders.co.uk/forum/13/viewthread.php?tid=139152&page=1
Me doing a sub 56sec lap around Brands Indy. I need a geo set up! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHksfvIGB3I
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cliftyhanger
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| posted on 17/4/12 at 06:11 PM |
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I remember a lovely quote, which I will undoubtedly misquote. Something along the lines of
"On their deathbed nobody says they wish they had spent more time at the office"
"Stuff" in general could ever make up for not having kids. Big homes are empty shells, nothing more.
My personal view, no problem with people who do not share it. Just they don't know what they are missing. Flipside, maybe they are not the
people who should have kids.
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D Beddows
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| posted on 17/4/12 at 06:31 PM |
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Some people aren't meant to be parents and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that! 3 years ago we had two upmarket foreign holidays a
year, a tidy house, a very decent amount of disposable income etc etc - all gone now but when Jake smiles at me and runs up with his arms open for a
cuddle I wouldn't for a milisecond consider swapping him to go back 
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pdm
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| posted on 17/4/12 at 06:54 PM |
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Do your OU now as regardless of how motivated you are you will struggle doing that with a little one around. I did an OU course so know the sort of
committment required and there is no way I could have done it after my two kids arrived.
+1 to everything said above really - I reckon your priorities will change. I took a big step backwards in job/salary as I was working all hours
before. When we found out my wife was pregnant, we decided our child needed us around more than the stuff we could buy her if we weren't.
Hopefully we were right - seems to be going ok so far.
No more posh hols, we go camping these days and I wouldn't change that as we have a great time.
You need a LOT of energy for kids - and I don't just mean the initial sleepless nights which I can't really remember now, it's the
constant wanting to do stuff, show stuff, read stuff, build stuff, unbuild stuff and so on and so on
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dave
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| posted on 17/4/12 at 07:05 PM |
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Dont have kids they are bad. Buy an expensive car it will be cheaper.
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Volvorsport
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| posted on 17/4/12 at 07:18 PM |
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lol.... above..
my life had to change too when the first one came around , i had to earn some decent money !!!
all other statements are true too. My wife inisisted that we didnt throw him into a nursery after maternity had finished , a registered childminder
was used instead , if you want a career and kids - youll have no time for toys , well the sort of toys your used too , and as your kid gets older your
toys will migrate to the sort of things the kids like !!
www.dbsmotorsport.co.uk
getting dirty under a bus
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swanny
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| posted on 17/4/12 at 07:23 PM |
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in answer to your question i'd say it takes compromise whichever way you do it - there are only so many hours in the day
you either reduce the time you both work (or one of you of course) or you reduce the time you spend with your kids.
for ys raising the kids is the THE most important job we'll ever do so our view was why leave that to someone else, notwithstanding the fact
that its just amazing spending time with them.
i took the decision to stay in a good but fairly unchallenging job for five years or so because its five minutes from home, has nice hours, (8-4) and
is a very flexible place when it comes to kids. (sunday night little un up for five hours so took the morning off with zero notice) + time off when
kids are ill etc
it means i get to spend and hour and a half with the kids every morning, and three hours most nights. i realise that part of this is luck but part of
it is choice. wife stays at home for now looking after the kids full time.
we dont earn a lot but for the next 3 or so years this works until both are in full time school and wife goes to work again.
equally i have friends who have been back at work three months after giving birth and baby straight into full time childcare and i do wonder slightly
'why did you bother having kids' (in both cases both parents earn 35k plus p.a) so more than double what we have coming in.
the other thing is that unless you have lots of cash coming in, or lots of free childcare, every week its hard to see a huge benefit from you both
being at work full time and a child in day care.
personally i resent ever so slightly every day i have to spend at work (though i dont mind the job) because its time away from my boys.
paul
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scudderfish
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| posted on 17/4/12 at 07:27 PM |
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Another thing to consider is you will be surprised at the wide variety of infections and bugs they'll pick up at nursery and then bring home to
infect you. Having children does wonders for your immune system.
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Slimy38
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| posted on 17/4/12 at 07:41 PM |
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On the flip side of the coin, my girlfriend hasn't worked since the turn of the century, she is 100% devoted to our kids. She did have a career,
and sometimes considers returning to it, but the arrival of our first seemed to 'flip a switch' and she never wanted to return to work.
Kids do change you, sometimes in ways that you will never be able to predict.
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bi22le
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| posted on 17/4/12 at 08:05 PM |
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Mrs Bizzle speaking,
I understand all your comments. I would definately not continue to work full time after having children, but I can't see myself giving up work
altogether. I need to fund Bizzle's kit car habit! I have also invested a lot of my life getting to where I am in my career. I would probably
negotiate 4 days a week with one day working from home, Bizzle also 4 days a week so the child would still spend more time with us than the
childminder/nursery, but we could still afford to take them to disney and have our own lives. Bizzles mum would also volunteer one day a week. I think
it has to be even. We are both engineers and are passionate about what we do, hopefully that would also inspire the little one!
This is all assuming we are both functioning well enough to breed!
Track days ARE the best thing since sliced bread, until I get a supercharger that is!
Please read my ring story:
http://www.locostbuilders.co.uk/forum/13/viewthread.php?tid=139152&page=1
Me doing a sub 56sec lap around Brands Indy. I need a geo set up! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHksfvIGB3I
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Wheels244
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| posted on 17/4/12 at 08:24 PM |
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I didn't have a paternal bone in my body - right up until the moment my 1st daughter was born, then my whole life changed and changed again when
my 2nd daughter was born.
Virtually everything I do is geared to providing for them and my wife and making them happy.
We used to do the expensive foreign holidays etc but life and priorities change when they come along.
You can still have your careers, me and my wife still have ours although somewhat altered to what they were - my wife now does job share and I alter
my
work patterns to ensure I spend as much time as I can with them - and do not miss any milestones such as sports days, performances etc - you'll
never get them back.
Just my experience - but don't be surprised if your careers become a little less important when you're holding your first born for the
first time.
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franky
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| posted on 17/4/12 at 08:32 PM |
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with us 2 kids(well one due anytime), I work over full time, my mrs does 13hous over 3 half days, I do one day, a child minder does 2 4.5 hour
slots. IMO this is the limit for me, I don't know how some people pack their kids off for 40 hours a week!
You can use a nursery but remember the most important parts of your kids development will be taken care of by 16year old girls on the minimum
wage...........
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MikeR
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| posted on 17/4/12 at 09:47 PM |
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My monster is 10 months old. He can cry all night & when i see him in the morning he just looks at me, smiles and and i melt inside. He is the
reason i work.
My other half was made redundant the day after we found out she was going to have him. She hasn't worked since. We've talked about it (id
like her to go back part time to maintain her career and get us some extra cash coming in) but its not happened.
Thing to remember is you need money so reducing hours etc is all very well as long as you have enough cash to live, so start figuring out how much
money you need. Babies aren't cheap and until this week I was doing up to a 50 hour week to make sure we kept our head above water. The deal was
i did everything i could to be home for 7pm so i could bath, feed and put him to bed. Now i'm contracting on a fixed 37 hours with a 7:30am
start and a 1pm finish on fridays.
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D Beddows
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| posted on 18/4/12 at 07:39 AM |
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quote:
You can use a nursery but remember the most important parts of your kids development will be taken care of by 16year old girls on the minimum
wage...........
This is a biggie.... one of those 16 year olds is one of my stepdaughters, 16, a GCSE in drama and nothing else, zero common sense, no patience and
bone idle - yet even she is shocked by some of the things that go on in the nursery she has a placement/apprenticeship at........ you pay an absolute
fortune for the light of your life to be 'looked after' by someone who's primary interest is texting their mates and being on
Facebook as much as possible  It's sad to say but our 2 year old doesn't like her much as she's forever telling him off and
trying to get him to be quiet, you wonder if she's so used to doing it at work she actually thinks it's the way to look after little
children!
I really struggle to get my head round the way the 'less able' girls in schools today are encouraged into childcare - surely it would make
more sense to encourage the cleverer ones to do it - after all these girls are nurturing Britain's future generations 
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sdh2903
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| posted on 18/4/12 at 08:27 AM |
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Agree with lots of the above, There are 4 of the buggers in our house (kids that is!! ) ranging from 16 to 10 months. We are in a very lucky
situation where I work shifts, 4 on 4 off (2 days 2 nights) and my other half works 25 hours flexible around my shifts and we usually have 2 or 3 days
a week where we are both off together.
When Lily arrived 10 months ago we both agreed that we didn't want to use childcare if possible due to lots of the reasons above let alone the
expense, but primarily because we didn't want to miss out on her early days. If we couldn't arrange work to suit then the Mrs would have
given up work for a couple of years. Rather than a nursery assistant finding the first tooth popping through, the first shout of Dadda or as of a
couple of weeks ago her starting to crawl it was myself the mrs or both who were there to see it. She will however go to nursery playgroup when shes a
bit older, more to help her interact with other kids her age than anything else.
One other thing a common misconception is young babies are really hard work. I found the first 9 months a doddle, once in a routine its just changing
nappies and feeding, however as Lily has just started crawling now it has become a lot more labour intensive, she's in all the cupboards, the
dog's bed, she doesn't want to keep still for a second and shes developing a love of climbing. It's all great fun though.
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swanny
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| posted on 18/4/12 at 08:27 AM |
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quote:
I really struggle to get my head round the way the 'less able' girls in schools today are encouraged into childcare - surely it would make
more sense to encourage the cleverer ones to do it - after all these girls are nurturing Britain's future generations
can you imagine how expensive nursery would be if all the staff got £30k+ a year ?
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D Beddows
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| posted on 18/4/12 at 08:46 AM |
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lol, yes I know pretty much exactly how much Jakes Grandma and Grandad pretty much insisted we enrolled him in the preschool nursery of a decent
local private school at their expense (for which I am eternally grateful as we could never have afforded it and I know many others couldn't
either) for when he's 3. 80% of the staff have degrees in some childcare related field and the rest working towards a similar qualification so
they aren't going to be on the minimum wage. No, it's not cheap but there again it's surprisingly not stupendously different to
your average private nursery employing 'couldn't give a t*ss chavs' either..........you wonder where the money goes..........
The cost and standard of childcare in this country is an absolute scandal imho
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