Post up your jokes here so we can all have a laugh.

I'll start

Guy walks in to a pub with a crocodile on a lead,

The barman screams "Get that thing out of here"

"It's alright he said the crocs really friendly"
at which he lifts the crocodile on to a table orders it to open it's mouth, places is manhood in to it and tell the croc to close his mouth slowly, He then proceeds to smack the croc on the head with a half brick, orders the croc to open his mouth and removes his manhood unscathed!

"Does anyone else want a go" He asks

at that Stephen Gately appears out of a dark corner and says,

"Yes as long as you dont hit me on the head as hard as you did the croc!"

Tada!

Bloke walks into a pub (different one) and on his way in he slips on some dog poo on the entrance step.

Picks himself up, goes to the bar to order a stiff double. Sits down to enjoy it and halfway through his drink, the door opens and a man-mountain walks in, slips on the doggy doo and lands flat on his backside. The guy sat at the bar says " I just did that", at which point, the hulk gets up and wipes the floor with the first guy!!

A horse walks into a bar, not one with a croc or doggie doo, and the bartender says "Why such a long face?"

fractional reserve banking

There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a blonde and a brunette in a train carriage. The train passes through a tunnel, it goes dark, and there is the sound of a heavy slap.

When they come out of the tunnel, the frenchman has tears in his eyes and a big red mark on his cheek.


The Frenchman is thinking... "That English pig has touched up the blonde and by mistake she slapped me".

The brunette is thinking "he's touched up the blonde and got a slap for it"

The blonde is thinking "he's touched up the brunette and got a slap for his trouble"



The Englishman is sitting there thinking...















"I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French b*****d again".

A man walks into a bar (not the bar with the croc, the dog doo or the horse) with a giraffe and both sit on seats at the bar.

The man orders a pint for him and a short for the giraffe and both drink them down. The man orders another round and they both down the drinks. This goes on for round after round.

After about 10 rounds the giraffe collapses in a heap on the floor and the man makes his way to the door to leave. The barman shouts at him "You can't leave that lying there". The man turns and replies " It's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"


Where's my coat?

A girl walks into a bar avoiding the doggy doo, croc, giraffe and Gately with a lump on his head and...

(see signature below)

[Edited on 25/10/11 by Mr C]

warning sexist joke


surveys have revealed that one in three women are as daft as the other two

cheers les g

Went out on the town and met a hot pikey bird and after a few drinks she said 'wanna come back to mine for a good time'. Ok I said,
I had a go on the dodgems the waltzers and I even won a goldfish

man in a bar, orders 10 whiskeys, and starts knocking them back. Barman asks if he's celebrating, chap grimaces and says 'first blowjob'. Barman congratulates him and offers a pint on the house. Man declines, saying...

"if these whiskeys dont get rid of the taste, nothing will..."

A guy walks into a pub and orders a pint, as he sits down at the bar he puts a bag down and a noise comes from the bag like a small piano being dropped, The barman asks "What was that?" the guy repies "well you would'nt believe me if I told you" the barman says "well you best show me then", The guy puts his bag on the top and pulls out a small man and small piano and the small man starts to play a song.

"Thats amazing!" Says the barman "where did you get him from?" he asks,
"I found a magic lamp, rubbed it and out came a genie and granted me a wish".

The barman is stunned and asks where is the lamp now? and the guy pulls it out of the bottom of the bag and gives it to the bar man and says "have a go yourself".

So the barman rubs the lamp and out pops a genie and asks what the barman's wish is?
The barman thinks about it for a minute and then wispers in the genies ear and the genie says DONE! a big puff of smoke and the genie disapears and when the smoke clears the barman sees ducks everywhere, he turns to the other guy and says "I asked for a million bucks not a million ducks!" and the other guy said "What? you think I asked for a 10 inch pianist?!"

There I was on this Tyrolean holiday, walking along this very narrow mountain path. I had a 3000 foot shear drop to the left of me and a 3000 foot shear climb cliff face to the right of me when I saw this beautiful blonde with a big bust walking towards me. I didn't know what to do, whether to block her passage or toss my self off.

If we're on pub jokes...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btDkHi2uo_s

I ended up in bed with 3 Thai girls the other night, it was.like winning the lottery.

6 matching balls.....

In 1967 72% of men kissed there wife goodby when they left the house. Today 88% of men who leave there wife kiss there house goodby. Not funny I suppose, but true anyway, :-) Cheers Ray

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chippy
In 1967 72% of men kissed there wife goodby when they left the house. Today 88% of men who leave there wife kiss there house goodby. Not funny I suppose, but true anyway, :-) Cheers Ray

---

A man walks into a bar.........bump...


It was an iron bar.

I'll get my coat.

A man goes to the doctors,

"Doctor, i got a lettuce leaf growing out my bum,"
the doctor says,

"Drop your trousers and lets have a look, gosh, that's bad"

"Bad, Bad!" said the man," that's just the tip of the iceberg!"

A woman took her son to the doctors with a peanut stuck in his ear. The doctor told her to pour some melted chocolate in and it should come out a Treet.

Doctor: "Scalpel"

Doctor: "Clamp"

Doctor: "Saw"

Nurse: "Doctor, the patient's coming round!"

Doctor: "Circular saw"

Two eggs, a sausage, and a mushroom walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast

My Doctor has advised me to start running.
I'm not ill or anything, I've been shagging his wife

Husbands, cheer yourself up by watching your wedding video in reverse. You'll love the bit where you give her back the ring, walk back up the aisle, get into a car and f**k off.

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a
big bump on his head and the golfer's ball Beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it
over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so
whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't
want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the
golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do
something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want.....a
great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic love
life.'

A year goes by and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he
again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there
waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just
want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally
famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all
right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.
And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I
just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know
were there!'

'I did that fer ye also And tell me, how's yer love life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says
shyly, 'It's OK.'

'C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did
a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once,
sometimes twice a week..'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or
twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest
in a small parish.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children.
‘You all have obsessions,’ he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, ‘You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.’

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: ‘Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.’

He turned to the third Mum, Kathy: ‘Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.’

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, ‘Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick Willy up from school and go home.’

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.


The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"


"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn’t want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she did... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl...."

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond
bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more
closely, she unexpectedly farts.


Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of
a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well


Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect
of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help
you today?


Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman
somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of
this lovely bracelet?'


He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going
to sh#t yourself when I tell you the price!"

Male Sensitivity

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in
full swing . The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was
telling the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their
partners at this stage of the pregnancy .
She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make
delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try
to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
She looked at the men in the room, "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this
together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared
experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments, a man named Gary at the back of the room slowly raised
his hand.
"Yes," said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering, would it be all right if she carries a golf bag while
we walk?"

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

BRAN FLAKES!!

Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.

Though they were far from rich.

They managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health,

largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods & exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday vacation

and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.



They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.

He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks,

with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.

A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven.

This will be your home now.'



Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course,

finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.


Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony.

'This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

Tony looked around and nervously asked Yvonne,

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods & the decaffeinated tea?'

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.

'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick.

This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Tony.

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again.'






Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your Bran Flakes.

We could have been here ten years ago!'

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50:

Begin with a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.



Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.


Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand -

(I'm at this level).


After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife.

The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

...................................................................................................................................................... ...........................


Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor.

Mick says, "Good lord Paddy,what ya doing?"

Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended



I do something sexy to attracter.....

...................................................................................................................................................... ..........................


Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.

3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.

Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.

Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?.



Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!

...................................................................................................................................................... .......................


Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".... Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

...................................................................................................................................................... .......................
Paddy & Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police station.

Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

...................................................................................................................................................... .......................
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"

Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine.."

...................................................................................................................................................... .....................

Question:

How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Answer:

First - Let's pose the following question:

You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night.

Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the

knife and lunges at you.

You are carrying a 'Glock 40' and you are an expert shot.

However, you have only a split second to react before he

reaches you.

What do you do?


BRITISH POLICE OFFICER:

Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet

understand the law?
3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
4) Am I dressed provocatively?
5) Could I run away?
6) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the

knife out of his hand?
7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong

doings?
8) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
9) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content

just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want

to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, will I be

blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?
13) If I shoot and wound him, and I lose the subsequent court

case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER:

BANG!


AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 'click'....

Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks, "Nice grouping!"

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle

and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that

name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.



After years and years of torment, Onestone finally

cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone

again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called

him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird

forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He

jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into

the forest where he made love to her all day and

all night. He made love to her all the next day,

until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.



The word got around that Onestone meant what

he promised he would do.

Years went by and no

one dared call him by his given name until A woman

named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being

away.

Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was

overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him

and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

then he made love to her all day, made love to her all

night, made love to her all the next day, made love to

her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!






Why ???









OH, come on... take a guess !!!










Think about it !!!











You're going to love this !!!






Everyone knows...





You can't kill Two Birds





with OneStone!!!

The lord made man in the garden of Eden

Then he said to himself,
"There's something he's needing.'"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.




Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,

Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,

And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,

Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,

And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,

And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
>>>>>>>>>>

>>>>>>>>>

>>>>>>>>

>>>>>>>

>>>>>>

>>>>>

>>>> >>> >> >
Then he added a mouth.

Ruined the whole bloody thing.

The Surgeons.


Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'.

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

You couldn't make this up!

BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR,
DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.

This took place in Charlotte North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of
very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of
small fires' ... The insurance company refused to pay, citing the
obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON! ( Stay with me. )

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer
held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the
cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them
against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable
'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss
of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being
used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his
insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000
fine. This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA .... NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS THEY'RE NUTS.

An Englishman is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"

Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Britain." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"

Englishman: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chukling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Britain."

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

Englishman: "We don't. In Britain, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."

A woman sitting at a restaurant in McKinney, Texas suddenly began to cough while eating a giant country-fried steak. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two cowboys at the next table turned to look at her.

"Kin yaw swaller?" asked one of the cowboys.

The woman signalled 'No', desperately shaking her head.

"Kin yaw breathe?" asked the other.

The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shook her head "No."

With that, the first cowboy walked over to her, lifted up the back of her skirt, yanked down her panties, and slowly ran his tongue up and down the woman's butt crack.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breath again.

The cowboy slowly walked back over to his table and proudly took another drink of his Lone Star beer.

His partner said in admiration,

"Yaw know, I'd heard of that Hind-Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
MORAL of the story: Women are evil. Don't mess with them
Pass on this advice !!

Someone's been saving them up ^^

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ninehigh
Someone's been saving them up ^^

---

A horse walked into a bar.
The bartender asks, why the long face?
The horse, being a horse, thus not being able to comprehend the complexities of conversation says nothing. And shits on the floor

Three men go into a bar, one of them is a little bit stupid and the whole scene plays out with a tedious inevitability.