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Author: Subject: An introduction to tools for Newbies.
Rorty

posted on 19/11/04 at 12:28 PM Reply With Quote
An introduction to tools for Newbies.

This is a list of common tools and their typical usage.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a type of divining rod to locate expensive parts in the proximity of the targeted object.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your premises. Also quite adept at making incisions in the upper thigh region.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning Pop rivets in their holes, but also works well at drilling rollbar mounting holes in car bodywork directly above brake lines and wiring looms.
PLIERS: Used for rounding off bolt heads and creating blood blisters when skin becomes trapped between the handles.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more attempt to influence its course, the more dismal the outcome.
VISE-GRIPS: A more sophisticated tool for rounding off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also assist in transferring intense welding heat to the palms of the hands.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost exclusively for setting oily rags and tool receipts alight. Also indispensable for making aluminium soup from thin gauge aluminium sheet.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British vehicles and machinery, but are now used mainly for driving bushes and bearings.
DRILL PRESS: An upright machine useful for snatching short lengths of flat metal bar from the operative’s hands thus causing bodily injury and/or damage to expensive painted surfaces.
WIRE WHEEL: Capable of removing rust from old bolts and hurling them under the workbench at the speed of light. Can also instantly remove fingerprint whorls and hard-earned calluses. Occasionally used for embedding short wavy lengths of wire in the operative’s face and forearms.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after modifications to the vehicle’s ride height, thus firmly trapping the jack handle.
SIX FOOT LONG PINE 4 X 2: Used for levering a vehicle up off a firmly trapped hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing pine splinters.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Absolutely the best tool for removing self-tapping screws and dog poo from the soles of boots.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTORS: Clever security aids that snap off in holes drilled in bolts rendering them totally un-removable.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build-up on crankshaft pulleys.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines whose removal has been overlooked.
STANLEY 20 x 1/2 INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large engine mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of the toolbox after determining the battery is dead.
AVIATION SNIPS: See hacksaw.
INSPECTION LIGHT: Sometimes called a drop light, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at a very high rate. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab holes in oil filters to aid in discolouring the front of ones clothing. Can also be used, as the name implies, to round-out Phillips screw heads.
COMPRESSOR: A machine for drawing energy produced in a coal-burning power plant and transforming it into compressed air that travels by hose, usually to an impact wrench.
IMPACT WRENCH: A reciprocating tool that grips rusty suspension and wheel nuts, last tightened 40 years ago in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and neatly shears or rounds them off.
MIG WELDER: A good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found in darkened garages. The ultimate machine for tanning those exposed areas of skin such as the forearms, ears and the open-neck “V” on the chest: the look so beloved of females on the beach and in the bedroom.
Health benefits aside it is also useful for sticking items of metal together, though seldom attractive or successful.





Cheers, Rorty.

"Faster than a speeding Pullet".

PLEASE DON'T U2U ME IF YOU WANT A QUICK RESPONSE. TRY EMAILING ME INSTEAD!

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nick205

posted on 19/11/04 at 12:44 PM Reply With Quote
not working today then Rorty?






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SeaBass

posted on 19/11/04 at 05:53 PM Reply With Quote
One of the few that's had me laughing recently... Must get that seasonal effective disorder sorted soon!

Cheers






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Rorty

posted on 19/11/04 at 08:24 PM Reply With Quote
quote:
Originally posted by nick205
not working today then Rorty?

Life's a holiday, isn't it? I just needed a break from a few recent 16 hour days.





Cheers, Rorty.

"Faster than a speeding Pullet".

PLEASE DON'T U2U ME IF YOU WANT A QUICK RESPONSE. TRY EMAILING ME INSTEAD!

View User's Profile E-Mail User Visit User's Homepage View All Posts By User U2U Member

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