My youngest (10 months old) has a raging temp and awful cough and I'm now sat in the hospital waiting for the out of hours gp to fettle him. Looking at a 2 hour or more wait to get the inevitable amoxicillin prescription.

So, I'm begging here - who's got some jokes to keep morale up?

How do Welshmen find sheep in long grass?

Irresistible


(hope the little one's ok)

How do they find sheep in long grass?

Boy will be fine, just running a bit hot and wheezy. Just needs a new aid filter and fresh coolant

xmas

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

several on here...

old joke post

What a Christmas just split up with the other half, she says I think more about football than her. I am gutted I have been with her 5 seasons!

I was in Tesco with the other half doing the Christmas shopping the other day. She said " You really are a lazy tway" Well I dont mind telling you I nearly fell out of the effing trolley!


Went to my works xmas party the other night, the DJ played 'jump' so I jumped then he played 'The Twister' so I twisted he then played 'Come on Eileen'. I was asked to leave shortly after.................

Just bought a Jehovahs witness advent calendar everytime you open a door a voice tells you to f**k off!!!

Irish historians have found what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest man to have ever lived. He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin

Steve

I went to a Psychic last week who told me that i would be coming into big money!
Last night i sha@@ed a fat bird called Penny - now how spooky is that

Steve

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees?
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' Speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

..............................So, now, if you are going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.

This will keep you going a min or 2


IRISH LOGIC


An answer I can understand.
A tourist in a bar in Florida asks an Irishman sitting at the bar, "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies, "If they fell forwards they'd still be in the feckin' boat."

====================================================================================

God Loves Drunk People Too

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,

Standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.


"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's pouring with rain out
there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down,

And those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!

"God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed,

And goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark,

"Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.


"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.


"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..

==================================================================================

Scotch with two drops of water.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.....'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water...'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you... Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies,
'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
=================================================================================

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'

A four yr old being bathed by his mum points to his 'tackle' and says "mum are these my brains?"
She replies, "not yet son."





Yorkshireman wins the lottery, goes to Hatton Garden and into a top jewellers. He has a picture of his prize whippet with him. Shows it to the jeweller and says, "Can thee mek mi a life-size sculpture o mi favrit dog in gold?"
Jeweller says, "no problem, do you want it eighteen carat?"
To which the Yorkshireman replies, "nay thi daft bu55er, I want it chewin' a bone."

Boom boom !

Big thanks for the jokes guys, kept me quietly chuckling through the night.

We ended up being referred to childrens ward to see a specialist, who was then busy doing shift changeover. Eventually got seen at 11pm to get aforementioned amoxicillin and calpol. Because of his wheezing they gave him an inhaler which is possibly one of the most traumatic things I've put the little tyke through, to be used for a few days as a precaution.

All this because he's been unwell and not eaten at all for a couple of days, so wife rang nhs helpline as a precaution. Because of his age they wanted to see him at the out of hours clinic just to check, then it snowballed from there. 6 hours in the hospital, taking up precious space and resource for nothing I. The end. Feel a twat for taking up their time but I'm happy the boy is ok (he's in fine fettle today, if a bit knackered from last night)

Cheers again for the morale boosters