THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILLI CONTEST

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there is no hope for you!
*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The third judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and besides they told me I could have all the free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chilli #1 (Mike's Manic Mobster Monster Chilli)
Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one, these Texans are crazy.


Chilli # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chilli)
Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chilli # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)
Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 - A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everybody knows the routine by now. Get me some more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.


Chilli # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 - Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scrape across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb lady is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?


Chilli # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Stuff those rednecks!


Chilli # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 - Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 - I shat myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips any more. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.


Chilli # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli)
Judge # 1 - A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 - (Frank). You could place a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like stuff which matches my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Sod it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.


Chilli # 8 (Tommy's Toe-nail Curling Chilli)
Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blended chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli?

Going back next year?

If in the same postion again, request coca cola insted of beer. It breaks up the chilli oil as well as cools jou down, where as beer cools the tounge down, but spreads the oil round the mouth.

I love chillis, get me the recipes please .

Milk's good for putting out the fire.

Had a cracking curry in Harrogate a few years ago. Shame I can't remember the name to
recommend the place, but it made my nose run and my eyes water and all the sounds went muffled.
Awesome

Till the morning.........

2 lb stew meat
1 medium onion
1 can tomato sauce
2 cloves garlic
2 tablespoon chili powder
2 jalapeno chiles
2 cup pinto beans
salt and pepper to taste

Trim the fat from the stew meat, cut into bite sized chunks and brown it. Chop the onion and the jalapeno chiles. Smash the garlic. Throw every thing but the beans into a pot, add water and simmer until meat is tender.

Put the beans into a pot with water and bring to a boil, turn the heat down and simmer till the beans are done.

Eat the chili and stomp the hell out of the beans.



Pete

[Edited on 25/4/05 by pbura]

Next time you want to be mean to someone, or just make something really hot...

Go to Tescos and get some Insanity Sauce (should be with the normal tabascos etc). Its damned hot stuff...really hot. Infact the hottest thing i have had. Its just reduced concentrated chilli sauce, but its so string i dont seriously know what you would use it for.

We had some at college, that made its way to work. Used to smear it round the rims of beer bottles if we didnt like the customer. Its weird as it doesnt seem too hot, but a few seconds later it burns. (You only need a tiny amount).

David

I bear no responsiblity if you rub your eyes after having that stuff on your hands...im sure it can blind (maybe not but its hugely painful)

i had to stop to blow my nose halfway through reading that! actually the funniest thing i remember reading!

We had some last week in the pub, Daves ultimate insanity. Some hero dipped his finger in it and sucked it to show how hard he was, he p!ssed himself literally before he made it to the bog.
http://www.chilefoundry.co.uk/

quote:

---

Originally posted by Peteff
We had some last week in the pub, Daves ultimate insanity. Some hero dipped his finger in it and sucked it to show how hard he was, he p!ssed himself literally before he made it to the bog.
http://www.chilefoundry.co.uk/

---

Having enjoyed a Shish kebab with the extra hot chilli sauce from my favourite vendor in Nottingham I nipped down an alley for a slash before the taxi arrived.....

No more information required

John

Park it like it's hot.

Funny that. Cheyannes, Jalopenos? sound more like the milder breakfast chillis to me. Daves Insanity sauce is pretty damn hot.. But somebody checkout a product, I believe by the same people called "The Four Peppers of the Apocalyps" (spelling?) The oil extract from 11lbs of Halbenero peppers...stupid hot...

Still Laughing..Fletch