I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
bears.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our
family holidays in Customs.
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be sh*tting
herself.
Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was
never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to
get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was
two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my
favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening...
Self-raising?"
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched
someone in the face.
Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the
obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl
out of Cork...
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out
it was a bloody hoax.
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner
and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The
hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't
you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a
plumber".
Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda. Brendon Burns
at the Pleasance

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got
one!"
Norman Lovett at The Stand

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very
good at it.
Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then
on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.
They're trained for that.
Milton Jones at the Underbelly