1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any
other part of the building without difficulty.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact
fare.
10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
15. All single women have a cat.
16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by
dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their
back.
22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly
gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Brilliant!
32. If the music slows down and gets louder or shriller and faster get the heck out of there.
33. If you are fighting a group of Ninjas they will only attack one at a time giving you a fair chance.
34. Indian men and women will only shower with their clothes on and always sing and dance in the shower.
35. If a ghoul or killer is after you don't try to start the car till he is panting down your neck, it will just flatten the battery.
36. A countdown explosive device with 10 seconds remaining takes at least 18 seconds to deactivate leaving 1-2 seconds left.
37. A 9second quarter mile takes about a minute to complete and has a milion gear changes.
38. driving on a straight road requires constant and erratic movement of the steering wheel
39. While driving with a passenger always look at the road for about 1 second in every 30 to guarantee not crashing
Very good
20 and 33 is the same BTW (picky or what??)
I also learned last night;
40. When using a chainsaw, PPE is not required and merely a ploy to get more money out of woodsmen. You can easily swing one round and round near
people with no-one getting massacared at all.
Necroposting is a dying art, do your bit to keep it alive.
quote:
Originally posted by Peteff
Necroposting is a dying art, do your bit to keep it alive.
It's the Burberry type in Shawn of the Dead
Sorry, long night shifts, reading through the jokes. I've tried hard to not add to lots of these!
8) It's called playing the sympathy card!
12) Only American built ones.
15) Close, but no cigar.
24) Naturally.
27) Google; 'Le Petomane'
41. Nearly all vampires can do some form of martial art.
quote:
Originally posted by benji106
38. driving on a straight road requires constant and erratic movement of the steering wheel
