December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
my wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching
the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma
Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever
had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did
both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came
along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry; we'll definitely have a
white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have
so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again.
I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our
neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to
-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away,
but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I
didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll
certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. I
bought snow tires for my wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. My wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. My wife laughed for an hour,
which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay
warm. There's nothing to do but stare at my wife and try not to irritate
her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God
I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my
own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the miserable
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Rotten snowplow came by
twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too
busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store
around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to
shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches
of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and
then I had to use the toilet. By the time I got undressed, went to the
toilet and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who
has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too
busy. I think the creep is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. My wife wanted
me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts???
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I
think she's lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the SOB who drives
that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his thumbs. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he
comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over
where I've just been! Tonight my wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols
with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for thatsnowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%& slop tonight.
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for some stupid donation and I hit
him over the head with my shovel. My wife says I have a bad attitude. I
think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more
time, I'm going to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why in God's name did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above -10. Still snowed in. My wife THE WICKED
WITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel off the roof or it
could cave-in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he
think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snowplow driver is suing me for a million
dollars for the bump on his head. My wife went home to her mother. 9"
predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling!

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

BRILLIANT!

Reminds me of the song Twelve Days of Christmas by an Irishman (who's name I have unfortunately forgotten) who gets gift from an aunt and who goes ever more into despair as gifts keep arriving

ATB

Simon