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The Complete Military History of France
flak monkey - 11/4/06 at 04:37 PM

Just read this in an e-mail my dad sent me ages ago, s'good for a laff!

The Complete Military History of France:

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are only victorious when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three "ties" in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough , which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the formerly English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; " France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France 's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French gene pool.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to the Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

Donners90 - 11/4/06 at 08:20 PM

Go to http://www.google.co.uk and type in 'french military victories'. Then click 'I'm feeling lucky'. See what comes up.....

Then click the link suggested....

[Edited on 11-4-2006 by Donners90]

steve_gus - 20/4/06 at 06:26 PM

That was written by an American around the time the french wouldnt support action against Iraq.

you can put a different light on their reluctance now.....

atb

steve

DIY Si - 21/4/06 at 04:32 PM

Ha Ha. Even google knows how useless at warfare the french are. Too busy making smelly cheese and wearing garlic, no doubt....

DaveFJ - 25/4/06 at 12:59 PM

Cheese eating surrender monkeys....

brynhamlet - 26/4/06 at 11:54 AM

Nice to see google has got a sense of humour

iank - 26/4/06 at 12:09 PM

quote:
Originally posted by brynhamlet
Nice to see google has got a sense of humour


Try searching on "Liar"

robertst - 26/4/06 at 03:23 PM

quote:
Originally posted by brynhamlet
Nice to see google has got a sense of humour


actually it isnt really google.... its some made up imitation of google to make it look like it is google when in reality it is not google and if it were google, which it is not, then google would have another color scheme, not like this one, which is not the real google, but an imitation of the real google which would not put that because the real google would not distinguish between defeat and victory, unlike this fake google, which is not the real google anyway!.....

rant, rant, rant

it is really much like when you put weapons of mass destruction on google and also pressed the i'm feeling lucky button....

iank - 26/4/06 at 04:16 PM

Indeed, but the 'liar' search has been stacked by google to reach a target site for pure comedy value (IMO)

matt_claydon - 26/4/06 at 04:40 PM

quote:
Originally posted by iank
Indeed, but the 'liar' search has been stacked by google to reach a target site for pure comedy value (IMO)


I believe how it works is you get a bunch of people with websites, from a forum say, to all put a link on their site which says "Liar" and is linked to Blairs biography.

Google ranks pages by the number of other pages on with links to that page so if you get enough people to help out then you can make any word you like make any page you like come top on a google search. Takes a lot of pages though!

Google are very adament that their main results are not weighted or fudged in any way, only the sponsored results that you get at the very top/side are there 'unfairly'.

Edit: Except Google china, of course, which is well known to have somewhat, err, 'skewed' results

Another search with interesting results is 'fuckwit'.


[Edited on 26/4/06 by matt_claydon]

flak monkey - 26/4/06 at 04:41 PM

quote:
Originally posted by iank
Indeed, but the 'liar' search has been stacked by google to reach a target site for pure comedy value (IMO)


Is not actually google that do it.

Google works on the number of links a site has from other sites and its relevance. Theres actually an article about it on Google somewhere.

Basically some people have set up sites with liar as the keyword and then put lots of links to the blair page. Which means that google picks up on that first.

Stupid and pointless. But then some people have nothing better to do.