How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you.

Why is a Laundromat a bad place to pick up a woman?
Because women who can't afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't, there is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women never shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called wedding cake.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said dust.

In the beginning God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mother-in-laws.

A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received hundred of letters. They all said the same thing. "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are beautiful.

Just SUPERB!! but don't tell the Mrs!!

dave you could get yourself in some hot water with that lot buddy but we will support you when you are in a wheel chair, by showing you how to drive your car