Fozzie
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| posted on 16/9/05 at 01:22 PM |
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Essential things you should know
Had this sent to me by a mate  thought I would share it with you lot!
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think
of another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p**s before the film starts.
RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog t*rds in the bin bags along with
your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the
stains.
SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid a court appearance after a trip to Truprint.
MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case hey
set one of their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife
from having to do it.
GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them
on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning,
simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol,
etc.
MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are
listening to the sea.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally
glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3
miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car
windows.
And the absolute best for last
WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a s**t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house
afterwards
Fozzie
'Racing is Life!...anything before or after is just waiting'....Steve McQueen
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Peteff
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| posted on 16/9/05 at 02:19 PM |
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A couple more
To save buying a washing machine, take all your dirty clothes to Oxfam, then buy them back washed and ironed.
Get married on a garage forecourt and ask them for a copy of the security tape to save on hiring a cameraman for the day.
yours, Pete
I went into the RSPCA office the other day. It was so small you could hardly swing a cat in there.
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Fozzie
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| posted on 16/9/05 at 03:53 PM |
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Fozzie
'Racing is Life!...anything before or after is just waiting'....Steve McQueen
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chrisg
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| posted on 16/9/05 at 04:40 PM |
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Viz
Click "top tips"
Cheers
Chris
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donut
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| posted on 16/9/05 at 05:31 PM |
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Ahh another Viz fan!!
Not bought it in a long time but used to keep me quiet for hours,
Those Fat Slags..phwaaaar!!
Andy
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/andywest1/
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chrisg
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| posted on 16/9/05 at 06:52 PM |
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Yeah, I've had both them two.
Unsurprisingly.
Cheers
Chris
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Russ-Turner
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| posted on 16/9/05 at 09:10 PM |
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quote:
Originally posted by chrisg
Viz
Click "top tips"
Cheers
Chris
Thanks for that link mate... i'd forgotten how funny the Roger Mellie video was!!
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