goodall
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| posted on 1/12/06 at 08:09 PM |
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Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America
Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America
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To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,
we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your
borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U'
is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee' and the suffix "ize"
will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as
'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed."
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you
shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with
subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is
"Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire,
Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man
should never be remade.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football.
However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American
"football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You
will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside
of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you
will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector
cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish
to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called
"Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are
Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you
insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional
accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British
Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The
substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine."
This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of
April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol
prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
__________________
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Simon
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| posted on 1/12/06 at 08:34 PM |
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Was this not first shown about 5 years ago when the florida ballot papers were unclear
ATB
Simon
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JoelP
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| posted on 1/12/06 at 08:50 PM |
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still a good one though, maybe its just british humour
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Peteff
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| posted on 1/12/06 at 09:57 PM |
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there is no such place as Devonshire
How come there's been a Duke of Devonshire since the 16th century then? I know the answer to this by the way
yours, Pete
I went into the RSPCA office the other day. It was so small you could hardly swing a cat in there.
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goodall
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| posted on 2/12/06 at 01:09 PM |
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but theres also a duke of devon
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thomas4age
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| posted on 3/12/06 at 03:30 PM |
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Being dutch, i'm not really allowed to say anyhting over here,
but hey,
IT'S ALL VERY TRUE!
exept for the devon-shire part, which I absolutly don't get.
grtz Thomas
If Lucas made guns, Wars wouldn't start either.
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cossey
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| posted on 3/12/06 at 06:02 PM |
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devon was called devonshire when the duke of devonshire was first created. there is a seperate earl of devon but no duke of devon.
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Peteff
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| posted on 3/12/06 at 06:29 PM |
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The Duke of Devonshire
was created because the King was ignorant of the existence of Derbyshire and insisted the Duke of Derbyshire was wrong and obviously lived in
Devonshire, which is why the Duke of Devonshire lived in Chatsworth House in Derbyshire.
yours, Pete
I went into the RSPCA office the other day. It was so small you could hardly swing a cat in there.
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