Deep thoughts
1. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
2. At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on
tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and
said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and
you'd say, "Aw f*ck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
3. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought
it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
4. If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some
smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started
laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get
real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
5. I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows."
Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
6. Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has
been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on
the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
7. I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash
stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
8. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the
time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
9. You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe
diarrhea.
10. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because,
hey, free dummy.
11. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because
what is that thing.
12. If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
13. If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend
you were swimming.
14. If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because,
come on, life is funny.
15. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
16. If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone
think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
17. The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat.
And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from
inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
18. I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go
swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like
Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
19. A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help,
then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of
guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
20. I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to
destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or
something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
<apologies if posted previously. Funny though!>
Mark Harrison and
Q986 KCP back from the dead...
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posted on 27/9/07 at 02:44 PM
