donut
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 posted on 11/7/08 at 10:33 AM |
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Think before you speak!!!!
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls.'
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma
that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training, and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No.' I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have
any clothes with me.'
Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?'
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she
speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good?
Andy
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/andywest1/
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Peteff
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| posted on 11/7/08 at 11:21 AM |
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When I used to do the aerials with my mate we were in his kitchen having a brew when a lady turned up to ask for a job. She was a country type in
tweed skirt and his golden retriever walked up to her and shoved his nose in her crotch sniffing. She promptly said, "I bet he can smell my
pussy" and we all fell off our chairs racing for the door choking on our tea and left his wife to deal with the enquiry.
yours, Pete
I went into the RSPCA office the other day. It was so small you could hardly swing a cat in there.
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Guinness
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| posted on 11/7/08 at 11:28 AM |
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Some of those are really good.
I remember going into a sandwich shop in Nuneaton once with a few of the fitters when we were working on a site there.
Pat walked up to the counter and asked the (rather well endowed) girl serving "Do you have large baps?"
We collapsed laughing, as he went bright red!
Mike
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eznfrank
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| posted on 11/7/08 at 01:57 PM |
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When I was at school I did A-level P.E. (yes, correct, waste of time!!). Anyways the teacher took us down the local gym for an induction session and
was demonstrating how to really push yourself and pump out that one extra rep you thought was impossible and chose the words "just w4nk away at
it!!".
Was even funnier as she was a proper straight laced christian, I've never laughed as much in my life, especially as the bodybuilder gym owner
also heard and was laughing that much at the inappropriateness of it all that he was sick!!
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quinnj3
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| posted on 11/7/08 at 09:16 PM |
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my fiancee once went into a car wash and asked the attendant for a sponge wash. She didn't really realise, until her sister pointed out, what
she had said.
my aim is to build my own locost wether it takes me a week or 10 years to get started, i'm sure i will sometime
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mistergrumpy
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| posted on 11/7/08 at 09:32 PM |
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I walked to the front desk of the police station I work in and shouted over to the old fella who works there "Alex, have you got a small
bag?". He just stared in disbelief at me at me
Another time whilst in the forces and driving a land rover full of people a car was following me and driving too close. I announced in front of them
all " just what I need! A big fat pr1ck up my ar5e!" Needless to say I got ribbed for that one right up until I left 
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eznfrank
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| posted on 11/7/08 at 09:36 PM |
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quote:
Originally posted by mistergrumpy
Another time whilst in the forces and driving a land rover full of people a car was following me and driving too close. I announced in front of them
all " just what I need! A big fat pr1ck up my ar5e!" Needless to say I got ribbed for that one right up until I left
That reminds me of when I worked in motor claims. A guy was trying to describe someone running into teh back of him and said "I was just
pulling off and this guy came up my 4rse!!!"
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