splitrivet
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| posted on 25/9/09 at 09:55 AM |
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The Squirrel and the grasshopper
Great Britain?
REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and
improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the
cold.
THE END
------------------------------------------------------------------------
UK VERSION
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a
fool, and laughs and dances and plays the=2
0summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference
and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well
fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and
starving.
The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with
cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table
laden with food.
The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a
country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while
others have plenty.
The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of
GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a
cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a
multi-cultural choir singing 'We shall overcome'.
Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel
got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike
on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases the charge
for squirrels to enter inner London ..
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic
Equity and Grasshopper anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning
of the summer.
The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for
failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for
the work he was doing on his
home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the
grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council
house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to
ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re
distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the
grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed
retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new
home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a
temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to
Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival
they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain 's apparent love of
dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and
attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them
pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to return them
to their own country were abandoned, because it was feared they would face
death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from
people's credit cards.
A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the
squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house
he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't both
ered to maintain the
house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is
blamed for the grasshoppers' drug 'illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since
arrival in UK ..
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to
get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately
because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of
the probation service to monitor and supervise him.. Within a few weeks he
has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the
obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug
rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is
increased. The government praises the asylum-seeking cats for enriching
Britain 's multicultural diversity, and dogs are criticised by the
government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press
blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of
despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.
They call for the resignation of a government minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed
when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United
Kingdom ..
The squirrel, the
dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the
burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their
credit cards to cover losses. Their taxes are increased to pay for law and
order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a
shortfall in government funds.
THE END
I used to be a Werewolf but I'm alright nowwoooooooooooooo
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02GF74
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| posted on 25/9/09 at 10:12 AM |
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you missed the bit where the grasshopper appears on a reality TV programme and gets extremely rich.
anyway, it nonesense, cat cannot fly planes - no opposing thumbs see!?
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Nash
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| posted on 25/9/09 at 10:39 AM |
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Now I feel really depressed.
If I didn't know better I would say you were quite cynical and disilllusioned with UKPLC. It can't be that back look how many people come
to live here! 
........ Neil
It's What You Do Next That Counts.
Build It, Buy It, Drive It:
Southern Kit Car Club
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David Jenkins
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| posted on 25/9/09 at 11:22 AM |
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That would be funny, if it wasn't so close to the truth... 
It's like that Lib-Dem idea of taxing houses worth over £1M - so, what about the council tax that already taxes the larger properties more than
the small ones? Isn't that doing the same job already?
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nasty
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| posted on 25/9/09 at 12:34 PM |
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It would be funny if it were true. Sorry, but its thinly veiled political message is just a little too BNP for my taste.
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cd.thomson
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| posted on 25/9/09 at 12:40 PM |
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its not particularly BNP at all, the main focus of the article - the grasshoppers - are the ones pandered to when they're trying to win
votes.
The xenophobic reference is found with the cats, but thats only a short departure from the theme.
[Edited on 25/9/09 by cd.thomson]
Craig
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02GF74
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| posted on 25/9/09 at 01:30 PM |
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quote:
Originally posted by David Jenkins
It's like that Lib-Dem idea of taxing houses worth over £1M - so, what about the council tax that already taxes the larger properties more than
the small ones? Isn't that doing the same job already?
yes it is but the people living in those houses aren't likley to vote lib dem.
also the people who can afford to live in t hose type of houses most likely pay highest rate of tax anyways.
I am not fussed, my house is nowhere near that amount.
.... but the fact remains that governemt finances are f***ked and the way to get them on track is by spending cuts and/or taxes.
tough times ahead.
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