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Originally posted by mangogrooveworkshop
Sex life of the Scottish male



WARNING May be found offensive.

New research delivers enlightening insight into the sex life of the Scottish male:

PREPARATION

Friday Night is very much love-night for the Scottish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Scottish aphrodisiac — 12 pints, a white pudding supper and 3 pickled onions — his mind set on one thing. LOVE! Or as he says himself, "Ma Nookie!". His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion — "any chance a ma hole?" The good lady in question perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onions sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply "Awaity bleep ya bam".
FOREPLAY

Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting off his slightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his wife, usually landing skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant "Here we go, here we go, here we go". Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on his rampant 8 incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.
INITIAL PROBLEMS

After 12 pints, sometimes the man's wee Willie Winkle is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man's self-esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as "Ya useless bastard" or possibly "It ne'er appens tae ra Milkman".
FELLATIO

Oral sex is a great favourite of the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, "How'dya like to put yer teeth roon this?" The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. "Go'on yersel" she says "jist dinnae disturb me". Unprepared by this slight rejection the man drives enthusiastically to perform such a service for his wife. A breakdown in communication often leads to problems. The man emerging from below, his face like a wet tomato, uttering a pointed but tender rebuke, "Bastard, you could have told me it was your bad week".
DOWN TO BUSINESS

Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase "Fuck me, I've shot ma load." If this does occur it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps, informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever come across. An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read the woman likes to be spoken dirty to, says such things as "shite, arsehole". The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as "Are you sure it's in?". Given his level of sexual expertise the Scotsman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout "Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man". Eventually its all over. The man rolls over, wipes his dick on her nightie, falls asleep, and commences snoring like a pig.

There's no one in the world performs quite like a Scotsman — a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.

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