Ivan
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| posted on 2/2/11 at 04:23 PM |
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A brief explanation of tools
Saw this recently - think it covers the realities of working with tools quiet well - sorry if it's a repost - all welcome to add to the
definitions.
Tools Explained:
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project
which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
'Oh sh--!'
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make cut pieces too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle.. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering
your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes and fingertips, but only
while in use.
SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab
and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top
of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Hope you found this information helpful!
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nick205
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| posted on 2/2/11 at 04:30 PM |
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accurate and amusing 
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Ninehigh
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| posted on 4/2/11 at 06:42 PM |
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Sounds like any DIY project I do 
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Rod Ends
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 posted on 4/2/11 at 06:52 PM |
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handyandy
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| posted on 4/2/11 at 07:24 PM |
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That made me laugh
especially the 2 ton engine hoist .....guilty of that one  , only realised when the car was coming up with the engine
Ahh the joys of learning eh.
cheers
andy
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Richard Quinn
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| posted on 4/2/11 at 08:11 PM |
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quote:
Originally posted by handyandy
That made me laugh
especially the 2 ton engine hoist .....guilty of that one , only realised when the car was coming up with the engine
Ahh the joys of learning eh.
cheers
andy
Yeah, why don't they make tow ropes etc out of the same stuff as earth straps? They'd never snap then!
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DaveFJ
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| posted on 7/2/11 at 10:21 AM |
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quote:
Originally posted by handyandy
That made me laugh
especially the 2 ton engine hoist .....guilty of that one , only realised when the car was coming up with the engine
Ahh the joys of learning eh.
cheers
andy
hmmm... tried that one with a 15 tonne hoist lifting an engine out of a Lynx helicopter.... some Tw*t forgot to undo the main fuel connector.... much
embarrassment... much expense! They dont like it when you rip a hole in the airframe!
Dave
"In Support of Help the Heroes" - Always
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JeffHs
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| posted on 7/2/11 at 11:08 AM |
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A mate was trying to pulll an engine with a hoist - kept whirring away but the engine wouldn't move. Finally stood up and hit his head on the
steel roof truss that was now only 4 feet off the ground.
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Confused but excited.
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| posted on 7/2/11 at 11:37 AM |
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^^^ Solid gold!
Tell them about the bent treacle edges!
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