ghost_walker
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| posted on 19/10/05 at 08:58 PM |
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haynes?
“.... withdraw the disc from the locating dowels...”
Translation : Buy hub-puller and fail miserably to shift either front brake disc.
Heat to dull red heat with a propane burner; beat hard in all directions with ball-pein hammer and swear loudly and spray with WD40. Repeat daily
until successful (after 6 consecutive attempts). Repeat for the other side.
Similar ‘translations’ are as follows:
Haynes: “.... rotate anticlockwise.”
Translation: Place in the Vice, or find another way of locking the component, then beat repeatedly with large hammer, first anticlockwise, then
clockwise (to break the 'seal' , then anticlockwise again.
Haynes: “This is a snug fit.....”
Translation: You will take the skin from your knuckles if you try to remove or replace 'this'!
Haynes: “This is a tight fit....”
Translation: Not a glimmer of a hope in #### of shifting 'this', Pal !
Haynes: “...as described in Chapter 7.”
Translation: Right ! That should teach you to read right through before you start a jobbie.
Now you are looking at real scarey photos of the inside of YOUR gearbox that require Special Tools to continue the job.
Haynes: “Pry apart ......”
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: “Undo...”
Translation: Make sure you have two tins of WD40 (largest size) avaliable.
<br>Haynes: “Retain tiny spring...”
Translation: Either :"Ouch ! what was that, it nearly had my eye out!”; or
“What tiny spring ?”
Haynes: “Press and rotate to remove bulb...”
Translation: OK – that’s the glass bit off, now go out and buy some good quality long-nose pliers to dig out the bayonet part.
Haynes: “Lightly......”
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing them re-check the Manual because this cannot be
'lightly' what you are doing now.
Haynes: “Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for
whilst muttering :
"buggerbuggerbuggerbugger"
repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: “Inspect.....”
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you really know all about what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowlegable voice to your
mother/father/wife/mates :-
"Yeah !, It's as I thought/said, it's going to need a new one!"
Haynes: “Carefully...”
Translation: You are about to lacerate yourself .... badly.... !
Haynes: “...retaining nut...”
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: “Get an assistant to ....”
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: “Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed ...”
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to
feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs before putting the battery on charge.....
Haynes: “Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal ...”
Translation: But you are able to swear in different places.
Haynes: “Prise away plastic locating pegs...”
Translation: Snap off the plastic locating pegs which are now no longer available....
Haynes: “Using a suitable drift......”
Translation: No, I am sorry, the biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Haynes: “...everyday toolkit....”
Translation: Ensure you have RAC Homestart, Mobile Phone & a Big Hammer
Haynes: “Apply moderate heat...”
Translation: Placing a match near it and huffing isn't 'moderate heat'. A Heavy Duty propane gas burner with big Daddy-size burner
head MAY suffice.
Haynes: “Weekly checks:-....”
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: “Routine maintenance :-.....”
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes Manuals are characterised by their rating of the difficulty of a job by spanner ratings (one to five spanners ranging from simple tasks up to
those that require specialised equipment and experience/training
This is 'our' translation of the ratings:
Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a
map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But Nova's are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two
spanner job? Isn’t it ?
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: What a noodle ! You are seriously considering this are you, you bitter twisted idiot? Shall we order the tow truck now or at the weekend
?
Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - Shall I order the skip now or next week ?
Haynes: “If not, you can fabricate a special tool with these dimensions......”
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! - in your dreams (unless you have a fully-equipped workshop and your grandad is a
blacksmith)
Haynes: "Index"
Translation:
List of all the things at the back of the book bar the thing you want to do!
Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look at
these two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in :
"mine never did look like this ..... and will never look like that..."
Overall Conclusions : Haynes Manuals are copyright of a very disturbed sadist
there is only three speeds. fast, very fast and oh shit!!!
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