flak monkey
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| posted on 6/5/05 at 06:10 PM |
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Notice to the US
To the citizens of the United States of America...
In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah, which she
does not fancy.) Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a
world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as
'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will
learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced
'zed' not 'zee' . You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are
welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will
be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have
chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u'.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents – Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place
as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become
"shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a
wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football"
is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you
played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American
"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping
to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the
'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is
baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a
world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for
"5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in
public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a
permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric
with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is
beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnats' Urine", with the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnats' Urine".
This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices
with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly
$6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
Sera
http://www.motosera.com
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pbura
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| posted on 6/5/05 at 07:45 PM |
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Aw, but what's the point? We'll all be carrying water for the Chinese in a few years anyway.  
Pete
Pete
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andkilde
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| posted on 8/5/05 at 11:37 AM |
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Hmmn, so what's your punishment for re-electing Tony and his lot then?
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liam.mccaffrey
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| posted on 8/5/05 at 12:00 PM |
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andkilde, good point. the PM must have a ptfe suit the poo just slides off him!
Whats the american saying, "you can survive anything except getting caught with boy or a dead girl"
any one volunteer to plant any of the above outside number 10?
[Edited on 8/5/05 by liam.mccaffrey]
Build Blog
Build Photo Album
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stephen_gusterson
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| posted on 8/5/05 at 12:23 PM |
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like, the rest could have done better!
Howard resigned cos he was 'too old'. wtf was he doing going for it in the first place if towards the end of his time he though he would
be past it?
wasnt regan 73 or summat at the start of his FIRST term?
atb
steve
[Edited on 8/5/05 by stephen_gusterson]
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clbarclay
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| posted on 8/5/05 at 01:34 PM |
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He was old eough to be in thatchers goverment. Besides theres no such thing as a free meal, lower taxes and improved cival service. Its a wounder to
me that the torys did as well as they have done.
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thekafer
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| posted on 8/5/05 at 08:10 PM |
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U can bite me......
Or, better yet "U" cas kiss my ASS not arse....
Oh, about those taxes.....please come and get them...........
[Edited on 8/5/05 by thekafer]
[Edited on 8/5/05 by thekafer]
[Edited on 9/5/05 by thekafer]
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal labotomy...
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the JoKeR
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| posted on 14/5/05 at 12:36 AM |
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If we'd have elected Kerry, he would probably have turned the country over to you, too!
If you want us, come get us! We'll leave a light on in Canada in case you stop by at night. Bring pizza. We're suckers for pizza.
The answer to #15: It was the French. Time to jump to #7 and resolve the problem!
__________________________
Jeff
http://www.midwestwelding.com
http://www.locostusa.com/forums/
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Cita
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| posted on 14/5/05 at 06:31 AM |
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quote:
Originally posted by flak monkey
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.....
Those born and raised there are not even aware
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Staple balls
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| posted on 14/5/05 at 06:57 PM |
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hehehe.
i've seen this before, i think it was credited to john cleese then
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Jasper
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| posted on 15/5/05 at 01:08 PM |
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Democracy ????
Makes me bloody laugh - Bush goes on and on and on about bringing (his version of ) democracy to various countries when it suits him, but as soon as
it doesn't - ie in the now much troubled Uzbekistan - he just ignores it and carries on like all US governemtns before him in proping up an
unjust local 'junta' (with the help of Russia, it has to be said)
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thekafer
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| posted on 17/5/05 at 12:56 AM |
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Oil for palaces anyone?
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal labotomy...
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