Hellfire
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| posted on 10/3/06 at 10:48 AM |
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Things that make blokes proud of themselves
Things that make blokes proud of themselves ..
1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open
it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars
are men's work.
2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to
kids makes you the man.
3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart
Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the
ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it
here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!
5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and
- as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other
rubbish - noisy destruction.
6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your
coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then
nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out
while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.
7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an
iron burn on the wrist is good.
"Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying
they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your
hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look
like.
10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for
you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the
past",it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in
line".
11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can
safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-!
Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you.
It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed.
However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?"
to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women.
Congratulations, you are now your dad.
16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing
rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY
item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the
plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The
only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get
straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is
then. Seven. See ya."
20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time.
Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear
which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled
in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So when it's over we can stand
there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer
gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you
didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain
haemorrhage".
23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips?
For that? Are you mad, bint?"
24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's
right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized pony.
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jos
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| posted on 10/3/06 at 11:51 AM |
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I'm definately proud of myself in that case
.: Motorsport / motor racing circuit / track wall art Apex Traxs :.
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JoelP
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| posted on 10/3/06 at 01:05 PM |
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good stuff 
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quattromike
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| posted on 10/3/06 at 03:01 PM |
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I'm a MAN!!
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Peteff
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| posted on 10/3/06 at 03:05 PM |
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I've just been out splitting logs with a big axe, that's a mans job.
yours, Pete
I went into the RSPCA office the other day. It was so small you could hardly swing a cat in there.
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donut
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| posted on 10/3/06 at 03:29 PM |
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Grrrrrrrrrrrr
Andy
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/andywest1/
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Russ-Turner
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| posted on 10/3/06 at 07:28 PM |
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10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for
you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the
past",it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in
line".
Class.
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graememk
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| posted on 10/3/06 at 08:57 PM |
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building cars ? shouldnt that be on the list
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zilspeed
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| posted on 10/3/06 at 10:22 PM |
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Add fixing cars to that list.
" It was broke, I fixed it - no big deal"
Allegedly...
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JoelP
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| posted on 10/3/06 at 10:30 PM |
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or...
"it was sounding unwell, i fiddled, now its well and truely lelled" 
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tom court
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 posted on 11/3/06 at 01:25 PM |
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`that will only take 10 minutes lov`
all good for me:
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