FORTY THINGS I KNOW for the Scots
Some of you may just be reaching this moment..........and venting you spleen every five minutes......but this email that was sent from a good friend
has some gems in it.
Enjoy
Mango
Dear ALL
i couldn't stop my room spinning as i have a virus that does the wobbly
head stuff and cant sleep so i done this,hope it raises a sniggger
somewhere on the planet.
FORTY THINGS I KNOW ABOUT BEING FORTY, A FATHER AND SCOTTISH.
1.Never have sex with a woman that eats more, drinks more, or smokes
more than you
2.Always try to have sex with women who suck bottles of beer that fizz
up when they’ve just been opened
3.Never drink too much water before going to bed as waking up with wood
always means your going to pee all over the curtains first p1ss off the
day
4.Never eat a kebab late at night and go home to your wife/girlfriend
or some one else’s wife/girlfriend and expect a snog or sex
5.Always have a mate who’s bigger than you when drinking too much
6.Always apologize to bar staff you took the p1ss out off when drunk,
next time you see them (you know you’ll do it again)
7.Always take lots of pictures of your children when small, so you can
rip the p1ss out of them when they’re older in front of they’re friends
and partners as revenge is so sweet for them being little b@stards
growing up.
8.Make time to do feck all on a Sunday night, as you will be in a
better mood on a Monday morning
9.Iron your own clothes; no one can do it better than you
10.Never worry about something till it happens then deal with it in an
unemotional way till its fixed, then cry.
11.Tell your kids you love them, even when they say they hate you
(secretly it p1sses them off)
12.Spend time with a crazy relative and wish to be like them
13.Be proud of your country and countrymen even though it’s mostly
fecked up, you always remember the good stuff when talking to a
gobsh1te
14.Make time for people who dislike the same things as you, you’ll have
so much in common
15.Like the Irish and Welsh, and support any country that plays England
at football/cricket/tennis etc
16.Be expensive in your tastes even when you’re skint
17.Never drink own brand super market beer; you look like a complete
loser at the checkout
18.Collect supermarket reward points for years; it p1sses off they’re
marketing people when they cant profile you.
19.Encourage your children to do naughty stuff when they’re out with
you, they get away with the stuff you wouldn’t.
20.No matter how old you get as a man, u never stop finding younger
women attractive and thinking you may be in with a chance at some point
of the night(you never do!)
21.Even when your body says no more go for a wee while longer just to
prove to yourself you can, your going to die soon, in the big scheme of
things you may as well go out with a bang/drink/young chick/football
underneath you, as apposed to dribbling and incontinent and an
embarrassment to your friends and family
22. Drink too much, smoke too much and have sex till your exhausted and
sweaty, and always always try something once, you may like it. (Doesn’t
include anal sex with men)
23.Never try too hard to please people, if you do please them be happy
.If you don’t then its there fault.
24.Always park your car quickly and go, there will be no one around to
give you points for style
25.Always park in the first available parking space, if you go around
for ages looking for one you’ll only end up where you started and have
wasted time.
26.Treat yourself to bad food once a week when on a diet, it makes the
suffering worthwhile.
27.Open doors for people, its good manners, and shout thank you in a
loud voice when they don’t say it.
28.Let people off the train before you try to get on, its not going
without you and those seconds waiting make you look better than the
pr1ck that’s just barged through in front of you.
29. Try hard to listen to what you say to people using there ears and
decide if it’s the right statement, if not apologise and say it another
way.
30.Teach people at the pace of the one with the least understanding.
31.Mess with new technology, if you break it there’s always someone who
understands it better!.
32.Teach your children to look at people, not judge their age,
background or colour.
33.Buy the Sunday Times, it takes three days to read it all and is
great value for money!
34.Get a book from an unknown author and read it, you may learn
something.
35.Listen to the music your children are listening to, you’ll have
something in common.
36.Same goes with movies!
37.Support Raith Rovers they need us.
39.Learn to count without a calculator.
40.Write a list like this at least every forty years, and try to make
it amusing for your friends and family.
Marty (aged 40)
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