pbura
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 posted on 8/4/05 at 01:53 AM |
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3 Women in a Hot Tub
Three women -- one German, one Japanese and a hillbilly – were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her wrist and the beep stopped. The other two looked at her inquisitively. "That was
my pager", she said. "I have a microchip implanted in my forearm.”
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear and began talking and listening to it. When she finished, she
explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The hillbilly woman felt extremely low-tech and left out. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. So she stepped
out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind. When the others raised their eyebrows,
the hillbilly woman said, "Well, can you imagine that... I must be gettin' a fax!"
Pete
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white130d
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| posted on 8/4/05 at 11:13 PM |
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THAT'S NOT FUNNY
says David, from the mountains of Appalachia......
david
Hell far, I had to borrow me brothers boots and granny's teeth just to go to work today.
"There's only 2 things that money can't buy, and that's true love and home grown tomatos" Guy Clark
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Peteff
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| posted on 8/4/05 at 11:45 PM |
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You turn for the teeth again eh David, who's doing the chewing for Granny while you've got em? 
yours, Pete
I went into the RSPCA office the other day. It was so small you could hardly swing a cat in there.
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pbura
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| posted on 9/4/05 at 01:34 AM |
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Maybe I should have changed the leading character to an Essex girl for the benefit of our hosts. 
The Smokies are fantastic, David; you're a lucky feller to live there.
Pete
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thekafer
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| posted on 9/4/05 at 10:58 PM |
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We rednecks make great joke fodder!
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal labotomy...
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pbura
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| posted on 10/4/05 at 02:47 AM |
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quote:
Originally posted by thekafer
We rednecks make great joke fodder!
Oh, geez...
Redneck Self-Test
You may be a redneck if:
--You know how may bales of hay your wife’s car will hold.
--Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
--All of your four letter words have two syllables.
--You think that 10-12 lbs on the side of the Pampers box means the capacity.
--You have more than one first name.
--You've ever flipped your riding lawnmower.
--Your kids have 3-day-old Kool-Aid stains.
--You have ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
--You know all about cow-tipping.
--Your house has wheels and your cars don't.
--Your front porch collapses and you kill more than six dogs.
--You have ever used lard in bed.
--You think potted meat and saltines is an hors-d'oeuvre.
--You considered a six-pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.
--Less than half of the cars you own run.
--Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass.
--The primary color of your car is bondo.
--Your family tree doesn't fork.
--Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
--Your mother has ever been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
--You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
--The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas tree lights.
--Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
--You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
--Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
--You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
--You think Dom Perignon is a "Mafia Leader".
--Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the Lube Rack.
--You think Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
--You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
--You've been too drunk to fish.
--You have a rag for a gas cap.
--You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
--Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
--You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
--You've ever been blacklisted from a bowling alley.
P.S. Being from the town known as the Big Dirty or the Mistake on the Lake, I'm not seeking to start a regional or cultural conflict 
Plus, I've been guilty of five of these myself
[Edited on 10/4/05 by pbura]
Pete
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JamJah
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| posted on 10/4/05 at 06:08 AM |
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"Less than half of the cars you own run"
But thats most of us. Well V5 wise. Not sure how many would be called cars...yet.
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phelpsa
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| posted on 10/4/05 at 09:23 AM |
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Ive flipped a ride-on lawnmower
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Peteff
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| posted on 10/4/05 at 10:19 AM |
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I'm hereby starting the U.K. Redneck branch. I can see the fun in bug zappers and beer, quality entertainment.
yours, Pete
I went into the RSPCA office the other day. It was so small you could hardly swing a cat in there.
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Spyderman
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| posted on 10/4/05 at 12:31 PM |
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I've flipped a push-along lawnmower! 
What's wrong with barbequed spam? It's the only thing that tastes as good when burnt!
Fishing can be very dangerous when drunk. You keep falling in! Try that from a boat, the bloody ferry won't turn back for you!
[Edited on 10/4/05 by Spyderman]
Spyderman
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