No jokes for 5 days ?
Lighten up chaps

Baby seal walks into a club

God says to Adam: "where's Eve?"

Adam says: "she was bleeding so she went down to the river"

God says: "NOOOO!!! We'll never get the smell out of the fish!!"






Dan

A London man was lying in bed with his new Thai wife.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour
Just rubbing his testicles - something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned to her and asked,
"Why do you love doing that?"

"Because," she replied, "I miss mine."

A bloke calls his boss

"Sorry boss, I can't come into work today, I'm sick"
"How sick are you?" replies his boss
"I'm in bed with my sister"

Have you heard about the magic tractor? It drove down a lane and turned into a field

I was in a pet shop the other day and I smuggled a baby rabbit into my coat pocket, and then I made a run for it.


Have you heard about the new Nintendo game where you play a 14 year old Glaswegian who has to steel cars, mug people and set fire to phoneboxes.... it's called the Wii Bastard.

Shepherd says to his dog "just nip into the field and count how many sheep thre re will you?" So the dog runs off and after a few minutes returns and says "40". "40?" says the shepherd "there should only be 38!" "Yeah but I rounded them up" said the dog.

My New Years Resolution is 1280 x 720.

I just bought a new gaydar.

Well, it's a spirit level, but I can still tell if people are straight....

Couple shagging on the beach

Woman says to the bloke "can you get your ba11s in as well?"

Bloke says "why, does it turn you on?"

Woman says "no you're flicking sand up my ar5e"

Apparently the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag......

So every morning i slap her ar5e and say two sugars rat legs.

Andy

What do you call an Irish woman with 2 c**ts?

Jedward's mum

2 nuns in a bath, one says 'where's the soap?'
the other says, 'yes it does doesn't it?'

Kate says to The Queen - " What is the secret to a long and happy marriage?"
Queen to Kate - " Wear a seat belt and dont wee me off "

Whats the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

Iron Man is a superhero.

Iron Woman is just a simple command.

Knock knock...

Who's there?

Doctor

Doctor who?

You just said it - Doctor Who!!

Ha Ha ha ah aha aa LOL LOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLL

My wife's dog ran off while I was walking him this evening, and I spent two hours looking for the stupid mutt. I got back home and told my wife I couldn't find him anywhere. "Look harder" she demanded, so I shaved my head and got a tatoo but I still couldn't find it.

quote:

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Originally posted by MikeRJ
My wife's dog ran off while I was walking him this evening, and I spent two hours looking for the stupid mutt. I got back home and told my wife I couldn't find him anywhere. "Look harder" she demanded, so I shaved my head and got a tatoo but I still couldn't find it.

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A real woman is a mans best friend
She will never stand him up and never let him down
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do
She will enable him to express deepest emotions and desires
She will make him feel confident and sexy, seductive and invincible............

No wait.......... I'm thinking of beer. It's beer that does that. Sorry!

Phil

I've just been told by my doctor that I'm colour blind.
I didn't see that coming, it came right out of the orange.

Phil

i'm so broke I can't pay attention.

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something
extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-
sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer
in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less
than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries);
pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so
as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a
tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one
second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,
pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD.... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE...!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the
recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of
caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered
conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was
upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and
my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now
regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
Regards

Bloke goes out on the wee with his mate, they get bladdered within an hour or two and he throws up all over himself.
A couple of hours later he's sobered up slightly and says to his mate "I can't go home like this again, the wife's told me she'll have a divorce if I do it again".
His mate says "Don't worry I know what to do, stick a twenty pound note in yer top pocket, then tell her someone threw up on you in the pub and to apologise, they bought you a few drinks and gave you 20 quid for your dry cleaning"
"Cracking idea ! cheers" he says and gets another round in.

A few hours later he walks in his front door and just as his missus is about to start shouting, he drunkenly flourishes the cash from his top pocket and tells the story he's been rehearsing in his head .
His missus listens and swallows the story, then says "Why is there forty quid here ?", to which he drunkenly replies;

"Oh aye, there's a twenty from the bloke who shat in my pants too"...

Superman was flying over the metropolis feeling horny when he spotted Wonder Woman lying naked on a rooftop. He thinks, " I could be in there and out at the speed of light, why not?" Seconds later Wonder Woman jumps up and says," What the hell just happened?" and the Invisible man said " I don't know but my @rse is sore"

What have you started? Should have said no GOOD jokes

I was talking to my grandad last night and he said "It's going to be a hard winter with all this flu about".

I said "tell me something I don't know"

He said " I can fit a whole fist up your nan's ar$e"!

AMAZING GRACE


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Corryong back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.


I finally arrived over an hour late and saw that the funeral bloke had
evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and
apologized to the men for being late.


I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
already in place and earth covered most of it. I didn't know what else
to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began
to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no
family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this poor,
homeless man.. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They
wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though
my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I ain't
never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks
for twenty years."

Apparently I was still lost...



Tony

Thanks people.

Most of those will go well in my speech as best man

quote:

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Originally posted by Macbeast
Thanks people.

Most of those will go well in my speech as best man

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