Ninehigh
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| posted on 11/9/10 at 11:00 PM |
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T**t of the year, what would you do?
Missus and her ex (we shall call him Tom for now) split up 6 or 7 years ago, and stepdaughter (we shall call her Edwina) is about 13 now. For the past
F knows how long (longer than I've known her) she's been a stroppy git and since I refuse to back down to the abuse and be walked over by
a f**ing child (as I have put it several times) it's been a matter of time before one of us gave up and walked.
In March Edwina walked. Since then she's lived with her dad and he's made it a living hell for everyone concerned. First of all he went
kicking and screaming to social services because I'm a massive danger to his child, to the point where I'm banned from being in the same
building as her (so I've been told, I've never been consulted on this one) and as a consequence Edwina was banned by Tom to come here
whatsoever unless I was away.
Problem is the only other people I know live in Warrington, which is a 50+mile round trip which he expects us to do twice a fortnight as missus has to
see her every other friday and saturday night like he always did (oh the joys of having a monday to friday 9-5 job, wish I had one so I'm not a.
making 4 trips to and from work that weekend and b. able to afford to make that trip)
So the solicitors get involved and he writes to our solicitor explaining how Edwina's behaviour has caused tensions with his marriage (f**k him
I've had to put up with 4 years, he's whining after 4 months) and how I have to be out of the house as I'm such a danger (you know
I'm sure he thinks I break both her legs daily for no reason)
Yesterday Tom and Edwina have an argument and she comes here, stays the night (so we know she thinks she's in danger with me here...) and is
expecting her dad to pick her up today.
About half 4, 5pm the phone rings and he says he'll be down shortly. And he was. With all her stuff, ALL of it.
Apparently she decided she's moving back, and that was the first she knew about it.
So how about that? A "person" who has gone to such extents to keep mother and daughter apart gives up his parental responsibility after 4
months and dumps his child with a person who is abusive and dangerous (me) and a lazy slob who never washes (missus, who is the least lazy person I
know)
So, do I just send him a "T**t of the year 2010" certificate? Do I out him as a hypocrite who is happy to endanger his daughter on
bookface and myface (so what if I get banned) or do I go round (after a long time at the gym) and brick his face in?
Or what other options do I have? I want him to get a grip, realise that he's not superman and that I've been a better dad to his children
than he has and he will f**k off out of our lives. Seriously I don't want to see him, hear from him or have him within a mile of our house, and
I'll pay to drag him through court to get an injunction. My son has to move back into our bedroom because he can't man up and his actions
have been out of order since I've seen any off him...
Apologies for length, and thanks in advance for anyone who does take the time to read 
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daniel mason
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| posted on 11/9/10 at 11:08 PM |
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do you want me to come down and kick his arse?
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dave-69isit
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| posted on 11/9/10 at 11:20 PM |
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get her some help u ar better than him she is proberly rebelling hope u sort it its not a nice place u want the best for your kids or step
kids as for him he aint worth it
[Edited on 11/9/10 by dave-69isit]
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Ninehigh
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| posted on 11/9/10 at 11:20 PM |
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I'd happily do it myself. What I'm after is some way of making this git realise he's in the wrong. Mind you this is the kind of
person who gets his own way by whining and bitching until he gives in. Trust me he's been slagging my missus off for 6 years.
Which is another point he needs to get over my missus, it's been 6 years...
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MakeEverything
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| posted on 11/9/10 at 11:27 PM |
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A Few things.
A. Make it known to your solicitor exactly what has transpired. Have it recorded that Edwina moved back in on her own accord, and that Tom was happy
for this to happen.
B. Set the ground rules with Edwina. The ONLY other alternative now, is young persons accommodation (normally nothing much more than a squat or crack
house), or boarding school.
C. If he is such an asshole, then im sure he could quite easily have a run in with a random stranger on the walk back from the pub one night....
D. Get the missus to get a handle on the rugrat (and have a wash, apparently  ).
Thats what i would do. Oh, and i would get the solicitor to write a really provocative letter recording the facts, and notifying him of your intent
to sue for defamation of character.
Kindest Regards,
Richard.
...You can make it foolProof, but youll never make it Idiot Proof!...
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andkilde
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| posted on 11/9/10 at 11:34 PM |
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Well, you'll need to find out if the "ban" amounts to anything. If it's real there will be documents, and as she's
living in the home with you, you'll need to get it quashed, otherwise next time you have an argument with "Tom" he'll shop you
and you'll be forced to live on a friend's sofa or in a cell. Though TBH, I'm pretty sure it's BS, if you've never seen
any docs.
Otherwise, it's up to her mum to lay down the law, she doesn't have to treat you as her "dad" necessarily but if she is unable
to treat you with the respect you'd give a teacher or any other "elder" she needs to be corrected.
You need to take the high road with "Tom" -- he's obviously an idiot, his failings shouldn't be allowed to cause you high
blood pressure.
Good Luck, Ted
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jollygreengiant
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| posted on 12/9/10 at 12:48 AM |
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Good luck mate is the first response I have.
My brother has had about 9 years of hell dealing with his Daughters ex-Ar$£-hole (even his own solicitor and barister described him as an ar$£-hole
once). It still isn't finished yet. The fall out from it has even included me (allegations that I WILL NOT go into). The ONLY way that you can
play it is legally, and sensibly. Record ALL phonecalls, keep a diary of everything, get any allegations against you quashed, even if you have to sue
the arse off of him. Get a solicitor involved as soon as possible and most importantly make sure that you find plenty of you time for you and your
good lady. It WILL get better, eventually.
Beware of the Goldfish in the tulip mines. The ONLY defence against them is smoking peanut butter sandwiches.
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Macbeast
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| posted on 12/9/10 at 05:40 AM |
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quote:
I'd happily do it myself. What I'm after is some way of making this git realise he's in the wrong. Mind you ......
You know he's in the wrong: he will never accept it. Best to say / do nothing. Don't sue - there's only one winner and
he sits in an office battening on other people's troubles.
But do keep all correspondence, records of phone calls etc just in case. Get your wife to sort daughter out.
I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop anytime.
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snapper
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| posted on 12/9/10 at 05:46 AM |
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I won't go into all my experience but just outline where I am now....
Ex missis married for 3rd time, 2 kids one by me, one by No.2 husband.
I am with partner she has 3
children been living with me 14 years.
My child unwanted by ex when marrying No.3 husband, child 16 moves back to dads, all he'll breaks out in my house, partner does not deal with it
well nor does my child, me I am in the middle and the house is all mine.
Years of conflict, my child now 20 got a job doing well things are tolerable and our father daughter relationship strong.
Relate counselling for partner and I
I would very seriously urge you as a family to go to Relate for Family counselling, it is the best and IMHO the only chance you have mate
I really feel for you, it's a very complex situation o e you can't win on your own and dealing with hormonal confused 13 year olds is not
for the faint hearted
Do it
[Edited on 12/9/10 by snapper]
I eat to survive
I drink to forget
I breath to pi55 my ex wife off (and now my ex partner)
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LBMEFM
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| posted on 12/9/10 at 06:07 AM |
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Lets face it life with kids is crap unless you are extremely fortunate. I love my kids my son lives at home at 23 and works for me. My daughters live
away but the only times they call is when they need money. I hear on the news that couples will go to any will length to have treatment to have kids,
my advice to them is you are lucky, your life will be a lot less stressful without them.
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karlak
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| posted on 12/9/10 at 06:10 AM |
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Agree with Snapper.
Try and get some type of "help" to find what the daughter's issues are. I guess it will not be easy, but there are relationship
services who can help. It may work, it may fail but, at least you will have tried and not given up on a daughter after 4 months.
In my eyes that not only makes you a better man, but also a better "father" for trying to do what you can with a very difficult situation
...
MK Indy - 2litre Duratec - Omex 600 - Jenvey throttle bodies - ETB DigiDash2
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D Beddows
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| posted on 12/9/10 at 06:24 AM |
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I'm in almost exactly the same situation (so much so it's a bit spooky in fact!) so I feel your pain  Only difference being that our 14
year old little b*tch's dad is 'poorly' so she doesn't want to come home in case 'it makes him worse'.......
I've just had to come to terms with putting up with all the cr*p and keeping my mouth shut if I want to stay married and perhaps more
importantly ensure that our 5 month old has a mummy and a daddy in the same place at the same time. There have been times though.............
[Edited on 12/9/10 by D Beddows]
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morcus
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| posted on 12/9/10 at 07:05 AM |
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I can't offer you much in the way of advice but I would think you'd recieve alot of paper work if you were to be legally prevented from
being near someone.
I would think seeing some one about this would do alot of good and might even allow you to get some kind of certification that your not dangerous.
In a White Room, With Black Curtains, By the Station.
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MakeEverything
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| posted on 12/9/10 at 07:25 AM |
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Isnt there a pattern here.......?
All of the problem cases are female.
I am very fortunate, in that my stepdaughter is very good. My four year old runs us ragged though!
Kindest Regards,
Richard.
...You can make it foolProof, but youll never make it Idiot Proof!...
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Dangle_kt
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| posted on 12/9/10 at 07:54 AM |
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sorry you are in a bit of a crappy situation.
Personally I'd do nothing - when he gets sick/old he will reflect on his life and realise he was a crap Dad.
Being a Dad (if you choose to be one) is your most important thing, and in my opinion one of the best measures of your existance.
When he looks back, it will be with regret. Giving him anything to hang his hat on (legal proceedings etc) just gives him the excuse he will be
desperatly looking for.
Its a long game, but self criticism is the only effective one.
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Ninehigh
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| posted on 12/9/10 at 07:58 AM |
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Yeah apparently a lot of girls her age are the same.
It transpires this morning that she doesn't want anything to do with her dad anymore, but time will tell how long that lasts.. So that side of
it's sorted.. Now we need a bigger house...
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will121
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| posted on 12/9/10 at 08:04 AM |
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I think you take a woman on with kids, you take on a responcibility of bringing up the daughter as they generally will spend more time with you as a
couple than the farther. teenagers are a right pain in the arse and only worse as a step parent and most have been told at one time or another
'you'r not my farther you cant tell me what to do'!!
Best way is to seak advise before she goes of the rails just to rebel.
ive been there and they go through the teens and come out the otherside. mine ended with my Ex wife and 14year old daughter have moved 300 miles away
but my 17year old step daughter stayed with me.
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StevieB
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| posted on 12/9/10 at 08:19 AM |
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I've been on the other end of the story, albeit not as extreme.
My parents split when I was very young and my Dad went to work overseas.
Whenever my Mum had a boyfriend I used to kick up a real fuss and cause all sorts of problems, particularly when I was around the 10-14 age. It
wasn't because of any other reason that some git was trying to tread on my happy litle territory of me and my mum.
When I was 14 my Mum met my now Step Dad, who had kids of his own. He had a very different attitude toward me - being a typical teenager I'd
always go down the old story of feeling exlcuded my new boyfriend and inventing situations of being a cast off. Easy to cause major problems that
way!
Anyway, my Step Dad (also Steve) would go to extreme's to include me in things, and often would do things just with me. I've never looked
at him as a father, or called him Dad etc. But I have a great deal of respect for him - I did throw my full arsenal at him at times (and I was quite
a competent at it by that point) but he just used to let it go, knowing that it was just a typical teenage reaction.
My advice would be to spend some quality family time, and do something that Edwina wants to do, rather than force her on some family outing she
doesn't like. I guess the secret is to be here whenever she needs you and ignore the tantrums when they erupt.
It's all about patience, and lots of it.
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contaminated
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| posted on 12/9/10 at 08:56 AM |
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I agree with the above post. I've fallen out with half of my family this year and I wish I'd not been so stubborn now. I'd just take
a few deep breaths and take the moral high ground. Try and get on with her a bit better, even if you have to bite your tongue.
Dan
Tiger Super Six Independent
www.southernkitcars.com
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balidey
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| posted on 12/9/10 at 08:57 AM |
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I can't offer any advise, but I do like the sound of the 'certificate'  it won't be a good idea to send one, but maybe print
it off and have it ready to hand to him next time there is a confrontation.
Dutch bears have terrible skin due to their clogged paws
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coyoteboy
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| posted on 12/9/10 at 10:37 AM |
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Don't turn it into a petty fight, for the kids sake. She might be a nightmare but she's still only a kid and doesn't deserve the
troubles she's getting. The world is full of idiots, it'd be easy to get wound up by all of them but it's far better to rise above
it and get on with life, ensuring you're legally covered and in the right so it won't come back to bite you.
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A1
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| posted on 12/9/10 at 10:50 AM |
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try to listen to her, you can let her do the moving out at 16 thing, Ive seen way too many people do that and it never ends well.
shell be messed up from the whole situation and blaming everyone for it.
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carpmart
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| posted on 12/9/10 at 10:58 AM |
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I have three reactions to this situation:
1 - Thank god I have a simple family and home life! Sorry if that offends, but in a perverse way, you have reinforced the good feeling I have about
my life!
2 - Get a grip on the situation. You need to lay clear rules out for Edwina. You need to lay clear rules out for your partner (including washing!
) You need to check the situation if you have any restraining or injunction against you.
3 - Get on with enjoying your life!
You only live once - make the most of it!
Radical Clubsport, Kwaker motor
'94 MX5 MK1, 1.8
F10 M5 - 600bhp Daily Hack
Range Rover Sport - Wife's Car
Mercedes A class - Son's Car
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scootz
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| posted on 12/9/10 at 11:29 AM |
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Sorry to hear about your sh1t situation...
I guess you already realise that what you'd like to do and what you should do are two entirely separate things!
Head down and get on with it mate... anything else will just come back to bite you in the arse!
Are social-services involved? If so, then give them a bell ASAP to let them know the latest and take your lead from them...
It's Evolution Baby!
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T66
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| posted on 12/9/10 at 03:59 PM |
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I have 2 cracking stepsons -
Lived with them since they were 8 & 11
Done all the horrific teen crap when they were not so pleasant. Now aged 19 & 22 they have grown up to be decent people.
Their father, never paid maintenance , still hasnt (Thank you CSA) while I paid happily each month for my children.
Ive been threatened with being shot, beaten up and having my car torched.
The lads decided not to see him , age 9, 12 and told him where to get off.
No1 liar, unreliable, and openly hostile to their mum and me. For these reasons he was told to bot off.
There then followed an access court case, I wasnt allowed in the court. My money was ok to house and feed them, take them back and forth to school
etc, and be dad 29 days a month. But not in the court where I was gagged.
My wife was ordered by the court to force both lads to see him, the court was used by her ex to financially punish her. Our Costs ran to over £1500
while he sat on legal aid , self employed chaffaur not paying tax or CSA, hitting us in the pocket.
Mixed in with a few threats here and there.
Funny he never said a great deal after he had seen me.........big man on the phone lol.
After 5 or 6 horrible years of bringing 5 teenagers through a difficult part of their lives, with two ex partners both as mad as asshurles.
We now live happily, 2 lads are now adults, well balanced, and fun to be with most of the time.
They detest their father, and will have nothing to do with him.
I have been there for both of them when they dropped themselves in the mire, and have helped them out.
Parental responsibility and importantly reliability is not easily forgotten, once your step daughter works out she is an asshurle at the
moment,(hormones mate!) and grows up, she will remember you have been reliable and always there for her.
Head down and play dad, dont give up on your Mrs because of a teenager. Before you know it, you will become me, and have an empty house most of the
time. And as many holidays as you can manage.
I could write a bestseller on how to bring up step kids, and all the horrible things they do.
Its the only book thats not in the library, and its probably the hardest thing you will do in your life is take on someone elses children.
And if your a cockney chauffeur who is five foot nowt,with a big suit on. You know where I live.......
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