Somebody cheer me up please I'm losing all sense of humour...

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If you've seen my other post you'll know why...

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Walking down the road the other day , I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger
................. then it hit me .




Will that do

[Edited on 18/10/08 by clairetoo]

Have tried those Tarka Malasa curries yet?
There like a Tikka Malasa but it a little otter.

Two old guys are sitting next to each other talking when the first says to the other,
"I think my wife is dead."
"How do you know?" asks the second.
"Well, the sex is the same but the dishes keep piling up in the sink."

If you could see me now grinning like a cheshire cat Thats done it See, I knew I could rely on you locosters

A man who has just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit..
The blonde female mortician askes his widow how she would like the body dressed. She points out that he does look good in the black suit he's already wearing.....
The widow, however, sais that she always thought her husband looked best in blue, and gives the mortician a blank cheque saying 'I don't care about the cost, I would like him in a blue suit for the viewing'.

The woman returns the next day for the wake, and was delighted to see her husband dressed in a smart pinstriped blue suit.. The suit fits him perfectly..
She says to the mortician 'I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend ?
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician returns the blank cheque, saying 'There's no charge, Madam'.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit', she says..
'Honestly, Madam', says the blonde, 'it cost nothing! You see, another gentleman was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, about the same size as your husband, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'








..'So I just switched the heads!'

she was standing in the kitchen Preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.


As I walked in almost awake,She turned and said softly,
'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'


My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she simply muttered, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T' shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'







She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

[Edited on 18/10/08 by mookaloid]

I used to hate weddings. All the old dears would poke me and say, "you're next."

They soon stopped when I started saying the same to them at funerals.








My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.








A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky."

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat b***h."









Thieves raided a chemist shop. They took every thing except the Condoms and Brylcream.

The Police are looking for a bald headed Catholic.

http://www.locostbuilders.co.uk/viewthread.php?tid=98967

Read owelly's solution...

My son was asked in English to give a sentence with the word fascinate in
so

He said my dad has a donkey jacket with nine buttons but he can only fasten eight the teacher explained his error then asked whether anyone could put the word contagious into a sentence my son being a chip of the old block shouted ot me miss

the teache said well go on then,

he replied there was this coal wagon delivering coal on our street and it was driving too fast, as it came around the corner it spilled coal all over our driveway, my dad said it will take that contagious to clean that lot up


Any good

really need to check my spellings firs or at least put all the letters into the words

quote:

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Originally posted by stevebubs
http://www.locostbuilders.co.uk/viewthread.php?tid=98967

Read owelly's solution...

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The Belfast Giants defense last night was a joke

A catholic priest is walking along a cliff-top path when he comes across a little boy crying.

"Whats wrong little boy?"

"My Mummy and Daddy have just fallen off the cliff"

"Not your day is it, lad?" says the priest with his trousers round his ankles.

Have you seen Wayne Rooney's haircut?

Apparently Playboy offered Coleen £500,000 to shave her twat!

Little Jimmy was asked by his English teacher the meaning of the word "indifferent".

It means "nice" Miss.

What makes you think that Jimmy?

Last night as I passed the bedroom door I heard mum say.....

"Ooooo, that's in different, that's nice".


Paul G

Man says to his wife "what would you do if won the lottery ?"
Wife replies "I'd take half and leave you"
Man says "Well, I won a tenner, here's five now f**k off"

A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look
out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

2 muffins in an oven, one says to the other "Blimey, its hot in here isn't it?!" to which the second muffin screams "ARGH!!! A talking muffin!!!!"

what about draining the tank, and then blue tac on a stick, that way the petrol doesn't dissolve it!

whats black and white and red all over?

a sunburnt pengium!

what has 2 legs and bleeds a lot?






half a dog..

my mates favourite joke :L

Man walking down a road spots a brass lamp. Picks it up and gives it a rub.

Out pops a genie and grants him one wish and one wish only.

"OK, I love driving, hate flying and want to visit Australia. So, my wish is to drive all the way to Australia, thank you very much"

"Christ" says the genie" but that means building bridges, refueling stops, avoiding wars, crossing oceans - can't you choose something else easier??" pleads the genie.

"alright" says the man"I'd like to understand women"


.
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"ok" says the genie"about this road......"

Classic, cheers chap's and Claire

How do you know if a light bulb's queer?




It goes out with a poof!