At my wit's end here - basically I wanted to know what's likely to happen as my wife wants a divorce.

We've spent all our working lives scrimping by so we could pay our mortgage off and that was finally done a few months ago. Have two small children just started at the local school. Also have some savings. No one's been to solicitors yet and seems quite amicable so far.

I don't want my kids to have to move schools so my ideal general plan would be I get savings and then use that for deposit on somewhere else. My wife stays in our current house but I would still want my money out (less the savings I take) when it's eventually sold.

She works weekends so I would continue to look after kids at wherever I end up.

In the real world what is going to happen ? I just feel punch drunk - it looked like we were all secure and we could start living with no fear of losing our house and now it looks like I'll have another 25 years of mortgage payments whilst my wife get to live in a paid for house. Feels very unfair at the moment but I'm 100% that children are safe and secure.

Any advice at this point welcome.

thanks

Mate, I really feel for you. Get down to CAB asap and get some advice.

The usual outcome of a divorce is that the greasy weasels (solicitors) make a killing and everyone else suffers. Beware that the system is geared to drag out and prolong the whole process so as to maximize profits for the aforementioned weasels so if you can keep it amicable then do so, it'll save you a fortune in the long run even if you do have to give in on a few points you'd rather not.

Also, your kids are the most important thing you will ever have in your life, if you can keep it friendly you will do them less harm. I've spent 10 years fighting just to keep contact going with my only daughter and it's cost me 2 businesses, a bancrupcy for £30,000 to cover legal fees and my health. Try not to go there at any costs. I've just won a prohibited steps order preventing the mother from removing my little girl from my care (can't go into details on here) but avoid animosity at all costs if you can!

By far the best advice is to do what you seem to be doing and keep it amicable.

However it is wise to be properly informed about what is right and wrong in the situation. The best way do this is to consult a family law specialist solicitor - particularly if you are a bloke.

The CAB is great at advising women about how much they can take their husbands for but not so great at advising husbands how to avoid getting taken to the cleaners by their grabbing wives.

I would also very seriously consider going to a relate counsellor - they can help in sorting out amicable agreements for splitting up which isn't easy to do on your own.

Hope that helps - good luck with it.

Cheers

Mark

If you end up with the clothes you stand up in, and a CSA judgement of less than £1000 a month, you are doing well

First, sorry to hear that, but stay away from solicitors if you possibly can, if she insists on having one then you'd be daft not to get one yourself tho'.

Depends on the reasons you're splitting, but is there no possibility if it's amicable that you could continue living under the same roof - share kitchen/bathroom as necc but sort of have your own flat within the existing property or even extend? - you are under no obligation to move out & she can only force you to with a court order - & I would suggest neither of you wants to go that route for reasons already pointed out above.

So sorry to hear that mate. Been there, T-shirt etc. As already said, the more amicable you can keep, it the better all round. I tried and tried to get it sorted between ourselves but there were too many interfereing busibodies making her go for the legal route . I just managed to avoid a full-blown day-in-court but still had to go to the judge's chambers with my solicitor, and she did too, along with a do-gooder council worker type, and even her 'boyfriend' was there!!

The other thing to work with is why she wants a divorce. My ex was the one who went off and yet she set the ball rolling!

I was lucky though, my boys were 15 and 19, so it wasn't quite so bad but she still managed to squeeze plenty from me.

I could go on for ages, but you have enough to think about mate, just make sure you get as much help and advice as you can and although you need to keep it sweet, trust no-one! I did and payed the price, and I'm sure the guys on here that know will agree.

Hope it gets sorted one way or the other chap, and keep your chin up. You WILL come out the other end whatever happens.

JB

[Edited on 24/9/11 by Daddylonglegs]

Hats off to you for wanting to keep it amicable but there is no such thing. There are so many negative influences that either want to take your money or portray you as the spawn of the devil for being the husband (apologies to our female members!) A lot of this is "in the interests of the children" yet you and your wife splitting up is going to turn their little worlds upside down enough without the protracted legal battles, money worries and eventual anger/hatred/frustration.
The CSA do things their own way and amicable agreements are not taken into account when a new boyfriend fancies taking you for more than you are already giving whilst living in your house.

Either way it will get more painful, try to keep your head because there is a light at the end of the tunnel and your kids won't be lost for good.....Just try to keep lines of communication open with your kids, even if you can agree to do it through a neutral person because they are the most important thing that you will ever have.

Don't be too proud to ask your doctor for some counselling if it gets too heavy

best of luck

Steve

Keep positive. I had a very amicable divorce and it went quite smoothly. A friend in a not-so-different situation to yours had to go the legal fight route and it was a financial disaster. One thing you could ask for is that the family home is jointly owned but used by the primary parent. I personally think it 100% wrong if ownership of the 'family' home is retained by either party after children have left home.

thanks for all the supporting comments folks

I think (for my sake) we need to keep the legal beagles out of the picture for as long as possible !!

I just hope it doesn't become nasty for the kids sake - I can't imagine life without them

Thanks again

As above...

The only thing to add is that it can go from amicable to very wrong and very costly in a heart beat. So just play it by ear - if your "wife" is someone you can trust to do her own thing then you stand a chance, but if her parents and friends try and stitch you then it can go wrong...

Just be open and honest with everyone that you want it to stay amicable for You and Your wifes kids and You and Your wifes monies... But, in all the honesty and openness you show, get some advice and be ready to flip if she does... Friends close, enemies closer etc...

Sorry to hear your news, but sometimes it's hugely to both your lives being lived more positively, and then just hope your kids come out of it as well as can be expected...

Wish you the best...

Steve

Oh, and on a related note, if you start suffering health/stress wise, then don't ignore it!

Im pretty sure that as your house is payed for, you can sort it so the ex stays there with the kids & once they leave home, the house can be sold & split 50/50.

I went through a bad break up 6/7 years ago, i ended up getting lots of advice from CAB due to the fact i was still paying my mortgage whilst she moved my younger replacement in. I was advised to fight for half the equity which was about 35k but due to the fact i had no money to fight, i couldnt & in the end i decided to call it a day, signed it all over to her & walked away with my clothes, tools & my then 5 year old son (she was more interested in her new bloke !).

The whole process made me realise what really matters in life, i started afresh, my son is now nearly 12, i met a cracking woman who im now married too & the only down side to the whole thing is that at 38 years old - i may never be able to get back on the property ladder, i currently rent a house but its long term & pretty secure.

I wish you all the best with what you are going through, looking back now, as wierd as it sounds, it was the best thing that happened to me, i regret what my ex put my son through & sometimes still does but he has turned out really well, i never once said anything bad about his mum in his presence, i kept my calm (on the outside ) throughout the whole ordeal, family/friends got me through it all with their emotional support.

Ask away on here if there is anything you are not sure about, its amazing how many people go through it, i bet every question you may have will have been gone through before by someone on here.

All the best - Andy

Sorry to hear your situation - It is pretty grim, the process is made longer and harder by the transfer of brown letters from her solicitor, who you will quickly learn to dread.


You do right to focus on your kids, you have to stay 100% focused on them aswell, my ex was a complete cow and had great fun shafting me over with them at every opportunity, however because I stayed consistent and open with them, they are now all adults and cringe at their mothers behaviour. - I win !


You will feel very responsible for their welfare, and she will hit you over the head with this time and time again, the amicable bit does not generally last too long. She will desire the same lifestyle, the same house and continue doing the same things -

WHILE YOU PAY FOR IT ! Now I might be totally wrong here, but its happened to me and quite a few work colleagues.


I refused from day one to fund her personally, and also from day one paid maintenance for the kids. You must start this off and continue with it as soon as your move out. Speak with CSA for self assessment and get the numbers right before you commit.


Your wife is she wishes to stay put in the house, has to buy you out - you are entitled to your cut of the assets. If she cannot earn enough to maintain the status quo - then I guarantee she will play your guilt strings to keep her in the lifestyle she currently has "because of the kids" - And you will feel so guilty you will feel obliged to pay.


Stand your ground, her lifestyle (and your kids) may have to change in the short term, this isnt your fault, it hers as she wants the divorce.


I felt guilty for three years after the event, and boy did she know how to play me.



If you do end up separating, another suggestion is start with a female solicitor, they are well tuned at competing with the poo that will fall out from her solicitors. My wife used an absolute cow of a solicitor , so my male solicitor (head partner) suggested I use his prize female solicitor. It worked a treat and took a lot of the crap away. Also this is the expensive part, so set up a direct debit and start paying them £50 a month from day one, until its finished.


Also make sure you take control and fairly divvy out the house assets, if your setting up on your own then your entitled to share this out - guilt will prevent you taking stuff as you will feel like your robbing your kids - DONT

Its more fun sitting on a sofa than a deck chair in your new place.



Any debt in joint names requires her to help pay it off - make her do this ! , (guilt trip kicks in here) any income she has must be used to pay off joint debt. I didnt do this and took the marital debt as I was the earner, and lived in tough times for a couple of years, while she always had new dresses on, tattoos (yep shes a twat) pearcings (dont ask) while everytime I picked the kids up they were wearing rags....

All part of the physhological game you are about to experience - hopefully your mrs will be ok, and mine is just a bitch.



Try not to feel guilty about the kids welfare (you will bigstyle) they are far far more flexible than adults, and will soon accept the new lifestyle and move on. This is why you must remain consistent, and sticking with the agreed access/contact arrangement they will look forward to company with their dad.


All a bit much going on in your head at the moment, but look after yourself, and start channeling some cash into a secret stash.


And please remember your wife is 50% responsible for the all the marital stuff - including debt ! Your entitled to a life beyond marriage to her, so make sure you get organised.



If theres anything else please ask -



If you were to meet my kids now (x3) and the two stepsons I acquired, you would realise how rounded they have become because of marital shite. I have a college lecturer, a mum, and a trainee solicitor, and the two stepsons , a trainee accountant and a self employed joiner. And we all get on very well.....


We look back on the divorce now and laugh about what we all went through, you will do the same





Ivan

Thanks for all the kind words and advice - I suppose I did kind of feel like the only one !!

One thing is for sure - my kids are going to suffer as little as possible and they are 100% going to know their Dad loves 'em.

Again thanks for all the advice and support.

Dont worry - it wont take them long to work out they can exploit both camps, to their own end.....



And they will in the nicest possible way.

I can't help with advice but I'd like to offer my support, there's some good people on here and I'm sure they'll help you along the way to a happy future, keep your chin up and good luck

quote:

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Originally posted by Mark Allanson
If you end up with the clothes you stand up in, and a CSA judgement of less than £1000 a month, you are doing well

---

Got the t-shirt too.

Sell the house, as neither of you can get a mortgage unless you are divorced or have a separation agreement in place.
The quicker you get a clean slate the easier it is for you to move on. Make sure you are far enough away not be be bother by her but close enough to get your kids. I moved out asap met a nice lass off internet, got my own place and now have a happy life. Should have left years ago. Although 5 years on greeting face wont support me when it comes to disciplin and getting repect from my daughter. "i've upset her so I should appologise to her" WTF. Make sure you both have the same goals/ideas when it come to disciplin.

Also debt is split 50:50 so rack up a bit of debt.

HTH

Hall

Don't move out of the house. Posession is 9/10ths etc. etc. Good luck.

Possession is 9/10th... bollocks..

Heres what happened to me... I humped her best friend ....

Then I walked out... left her the lot...

She took over the mortgage... ha ha ha.. 5 years later..... she walked out.. I took over the mortgage.. guess what?? She wanted half of it.. Guess what? I had to re-mortgage it... after she had added on her debts to it... she ended up with 10K more than the house cost...

No wonder, now, after 20 years I still hate her and we still fight...

Now after all that it makes me cringe thinking how much it would cost now as that all happened decades ago and the house was only £11,000....

Despite some very negative comments to the contrary I would suggest you go and see your local solicitor NOW whilst it is all still amicable.

They will be able to explain your rights, potential ways of dealing with the whole matter and costs which might be involved depending on how it proceeds.

A lot of people seem to end up having problems because they want to avoid unnecessary costs and end up not seeking professional advice until much too late.

Just get along for an initial fixed fee meeting to go through all your circumstances and get some proper initial advice. Then if it all remains amicable the legal fees of formalising everything will be tiny compared to a full on fight. An initial fixed fee meeting also gives you the opportunity to make sure you're happy with that particular solicitor.

Some solicitors clearly like to make a name for themselves dealing with matrimonial work in a bullish and confrontational manner, most do not.

Look for solicitors who are members of resolution or who follow similar practices: http://www.resolution.org.uk/





Best of luck.

quote:

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Originally posted by pdm
Thanks for all the kind words and advice - I suppose I did kind of feel like the only one !!

One thing is for sure - my kids are going to suffer as little as possible and they are 100% going to know their Dad loves 'em.

Again thanks for all the advice and support.

---

No experience myself, but seem friends go through it.
Last one the mrs racked up £65k legal bills, over double his (and that was nearly all down to her bizarre expectations)

Anyway, I think the idea of getting the legal part all done and dusted whilst things are amicable is a very very good one. Hopefully it will keep the bills down and be rather more reasonable in outcome.
Good luck, and look after the kids