Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

quote:

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Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

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Bloke goes out on the lash with his mate, they get bladdered rather early and he throws up all over himself.
A couple of hours later he's sobered up slightly and says to his mate "I can't go home like this again, the wife's told me she'll have a divorce if I do it again".
His mate says "Don't worry I know what to do, stick a twenty pound note in yer top pocket, then tell her someone threw up on you in the pub and to apologise, they bought you a few drinks and gave you 20 quid for your dry cleaning"
"Cracking idea mate, cheers" he says.

An hour later he walks in his front door and just as his missus is about to start shouting, he drunkenly tells his story and flourishes the cash from his top pocket.
His missus swallows the story and then says "Why is there forty quid here ?", to which he drunkenly replies;

"Oh aye, there's a twenty from the bloke who shat in my pants too"

why are pirates called pirates?


they just AAARRRGGGHHHH!


and not so clean, but not really filthy either (it was a kid that told me after all...)

what bees make milk?


boo bees!

What do you call a frenchmen wearing sandles?

Philppe Philoppe (best read in a french accent)

Bloke goes into a doctors with a steering wheel attached to his trousers flys he says 'doctor doctor, its driving me nuts'

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush....."

2 nuns in the bath, one asks "where's the soap?", other one replies "yes, it does"

("clean" joke, geddit)

What do you get if you cross a cow with a bell?





Duuunnnnggggggg!

Doctor doctor, there's a strawberry growing on my forehead.
Don't worry. Have some cream for it.

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job. The bishop was incredulous "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the firstbell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

What's round and sad and sits in the boot of a car?

Despair tyre.




Sorry

Dave

ps
What goes "wobble ring wobble ring wobble ring"?





A jellyphone

Man: "Doctor sometimes I think I'm a wigwam, and sometimes I think I'm a teepee!"


Doctor: "You're too tense (tents?)........

Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."

The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and you can't be exposed to any light - you know you'll die."

"Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really thirsty."

So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.

"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.

"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.

"Yeah, I think I do!"

"Well, I didn't."

The faith healer was in town and holding healing sessions for all. He asked for people to come forward with their problems and a man on crutches hobbled to the front.
"What is your name brother ?" he asked and the man replied " My name is Mr. Brown and I have been lame from birth" The healer said " Go behind the screen and we will pray for you, are their any more poor unfortunates ?" Another man came forward and was asked his name too. " My name is Mithter Thmith and I thuffer a thpeech impediment" He too was sent behind the screen to be prayed for. After praying the healer shouted," Throw out your crutches Mr Brown " and sure enough out came the crutches. Then he called out " now say something for us Mr Smith " and a voice from behind the screen replied " Mithter Brown hath fallen down "

Paddy:I'm off to dublin tomorrow Murphy, whats the quickest way?

Murphy: You walking or driving?

Paddy: I'm driving.

Murphy: Thats the quickest way then.

Heather Mills is a top model.
She can only model tops.

Quite possibly the best "clean" joke ever..........


A guy sees an advert in the local paper: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He visits the owner and rings the doorbell, the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black dog just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.

I had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten quid."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 news. There's a story about a guy jumping off of a bridge.

The blonde says to the brunette " hey, I bet you £10 he doesn't jump."

The brunette says okay, "I bet you £10 he does."

They watch the rest of the broadcast. The guy jumps and the blonde goes to give the brunette her money.

The brunette says "I can't take your money, I saw the 10 O'Clock news and they showed the same story."

The Blonde says "So did I but I didn't think he would jump again.!!!"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes asked. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"

five guys pull up to the irish border in an audi quattro and paddy stops them and says ,your breaking the law cos there's five of you in the car and quattro stands for four.
the english guy says the car can carry five people,check the paperwork.
No says paddy quattro means four so you breaking the law.
The english guy says,you idot,i want to speek to your boss
Paddy replies Murphy is busy,he'e dealing with two guys in a fiat uno.....

an idiot goes for a job in a chemicals plant,

in the interview the manager asks him does he know anything about chemicals

Yes he says

Ok then, what's nitrate? the manager asks

time and a half he replys........





A blonde is walking along when she sees another blonde sitting in a boat in the middle of a corn field rowing furiously

She shouts over, "you prat, you're exactly the kind of person that gives us blondes a bad name,if I could swim I'd come over there and give you a slap..............






What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell, she's got a grenade in her mouth!!


There are so many good clean jokes!!!

[Edited on 30/4/10 by Stott]

"The Ambitious Cornflake" - Very Long!
===========================

Once upon a time, in a large and looming building, with a huge red letter on the side, millions upon millions of cornflakes were produced.

Unlike all the other cornflakes, one had great ambition and felt that he must always strive to better himself and his position in life. Always he must attempt to achieve the very top.

Almost immediately after he was produced, the line was shut down for routine maintenance and he was left at the bottom of a tremendously deep hopper, buried under countless millions of other, less ambitious cornflakes, so:

He climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. All night, moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself through the tightly packed hopper, until, at last, he made it to the top!

At last he could rest a while and enjoy his elevated position, it was surely what he deserved, but ...

After the maintenance work was completed, the line was restarted and the hopper was quickly emptied into a further vessel. Once again, he had to start at the bottom.

He felt slightly depressed by this, but thought to himself, I can't let one little setback in life get me down and again he began to climb.

He climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. For hour after hour, moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself through the cornflake choked vessel, until, at last, he made it to the top again!

Having made it, he felt he had reached his destined position in life and he began to survey the surrounding area ... and to his horror, he spotted a stationery conveyor belt that disappeared upwards into the gloom - he had *NOT* reached the top!

Again he climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. For hour after hour, moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself up the steep and oh so long conveyor, until, finally, he made it to the top again!

He looked around and yes, at last, he was as high as it was possible to get, right at the top of the building, with a tremendous view of all the other cornflakes, tiny dots, hundreds of feet below. He felt he was master of his world at last.

Suddenly the conveyor began to move and he was thrown off the end and into a long tube descending in unpredictable loops and drops to the floor far far below.

Down and down he fell, with the air seeming to rush past him, until eventually he hit the bottom and was quickly buried under millions of other cornflakes dropping from above. He was buried deep deep down and again began the seemingly endless struggle to the peak.

He climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. For hour after hour, moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself up through the other cornflakes that were piled so high above him and again he made it to the top!
Absolutely exhausted, he lay back and slept.

Some hours later he was rudely awakened as a machine whirred into life and began to load the pile into numerous boxes and, of course, he found that he was stuck at the bottom of one.

He climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. For hour after hour, moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself up through the darkness until he reached the top of the box!

The boxes were inverted, packed together and heat sealed for transport to a
supermarket, leaving him back at the bottom, so he had to begin all over again.

He climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. For hour after hour, moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself up towards the top of the box!

Soon the boxes were loaded onto a wagon and in loading, his pack was accidentally turned upside down (it's a hard life for a cornflake with ambition) and he recommenced the long struggle.

He climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. For hour after hour, moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself back up through the oppressive darkness until he reached the top once more!

Hours later, at their destination, the truck was unloaded and someone, spotting that one of the packages was upside down, turned it the right way up. The poor ambitious cornflake was back at the bottom of the heap. He almost wept, but decided instead to devote all of his energies to succeeding.

So he climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. For hour after hour, moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself back up through the cramped box until he reached the very top!

The packages were trundled into the stores and left for a few days, then, one night, they were moved into the shop, the outer packaging was removed and prices were stuck on the individual boxes. The boxes were stacked onto the shelves and a careless stacker put one of the boxes upside down - yes you guessed it, out of all those hundreds of boxes, it was that particular one and again he was forced to the bottom and had to start afresh, but after a few days respite, his resolution was renewed.

Yet again he climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. For hour after hour, moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself up through the packed mass of cornflakes until he reached the peak! Where he remained throughout the rest of the night.

The next morning, just as the shop was opening, one of the assistants noticed an upside down packet ruining the pleasing layout of the display and turned it back over. "Why me?", cried the cornflake silently in his mind and again he started to climb.

He climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. For hour after hour, moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself up through the dense crowd of cornflakes, "elbowing" others aside, until once again he reached the top!

Shortly afterwards a shopper picked up the packet and looked for the price, eventually discovering it on the bottom and then replaced the packet, price uppermost. Yes, yet again, the ambitious cornflake's life was turned upside down by fate. Despairing of ever being able to achieve and maintain his aim, he again started to climb.

He climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. For hour after hour, moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself onwards, upwards, towards his goal, until, again he could relax!

Another shopper, pushing a trolley rapidly down the aisle, grabbed the nearest box and threw it into the trolley, where, by chance, it landed the same way up (fooled you there).

Unfortunately, the impact shook up the contents and the ambitious cornflake found himself about half way down the packet!

He climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. Moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself onwards, never turning his gaze from the zenith and again he reached the top!

After passing through the checkout, the shopper placed the purchases in the car boot and set off for home. Again the fates had conspired against him and the box had been turned over ...

He climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. Moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself towards the top, never even considering stopping and again he only stopped after reaching the top!

When the shopping was unloaded and put away in the cupboards, he once again found himself the lowest of the low. He sat and thought for some time, considering giving it all up, perhaps even taking his own life, but again, he started the slow climb, back to the top.

He climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. For hour after hour, moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself towards the top, blanking out all pain and tiredness during his desperate struggle, until once again he attained his desire!

The next morning, at breakfast time, the packet was opened and placed upon the table. A child emptied cornflakes from the packet into a bowl and added milk. Now the ambitious cornflake was not only at the bottom of the bowl, but soggy as well! At least it was cool.

He climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. Moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself towards the top ignoring his utter exhaustion, until once again he had satisfied his compulsion!

The child thrust a spoon into the bowl and drew it towards her mouth and again the ambitious cornflake was at the bottom and he began to climb.

He climbed for only a few seconds and then he could see the approaching mouth, was this the end?

[SEE BELOW FOR PUNCHLINE]




[FURTHER]





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***** I'll tell you the rest next week -
it's a CEREAL!

Why did Eyor stick his head down the toilet ?










He was looking for Pooh............

what sort of cheese can you hide a horse in??











Mascapony

What do you call a judge with no thumbs.........

........Justice Fingers

Two eggs in a pan.

One says to the other:

'Phew! Its hot in here!

To which the other replies:

'That's nothing! - Wait 'til you get outside - they bash your head in!!!'

Oooops, forgot my son's favourite..

"What's brown and sticky ?"





















A stick......

quote:

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Originally posted by UncleFista
Oooops, forgot my son's favourite..

"What's brown and sticky ?"

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What is the worst name of a mother in law?













Hope














Because hope always dies last

What do you call a Fly with no wings?

A walk.....

Cheers
David

2 cookies in an oven and one said to the other 'jeez its hot in here' and the other replied 'wow a talking cookie'

quote:

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Originally posted by Danozeman
what sort of cheese can you hide a horse in??


Mascapony

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quote:

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Originally posted by blakep82

quote:

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Originally posted by Danozeman
what sort of cheese can you hide a horse in??


Mascapony

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what cheese isn't yours?



nacho cheese! (said in your best black american accent)

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a joke more appropriate to this forum.


Once there was a snail who lived in France and was tired of being slow. He built an MK Indy with supercharged duratec engine and painted a big 'S' on each side of it.

Whenever someone saw him zooming past in his new car, they would say, "Viola, look at zat S-car go!"

a bloke goes to the docs with a bit of lettuce in his ear ... the doc has a look and tells him ..... "it looks serious" ................ "i think it could be the tip of the iceberg"

Q - What's green and brown and would kill you if it fell on you?

A- a snooker table


It's world war one, and Private Johnny Johnson is in waiting in line to receive his rifle and bayonet. Unfortunately, the supplies run out before he reaches the front of the queue. Panicked, Private Johnson runs to his Captain and says;

"Captain, what can I do? I can't go to the trenches without weapons, I'll be killed instantly!"

"Don't worry, here, take this. It's a magic baton. Point it at someone and shout "BANGY-BANGY-BANG" as loud as you can, and you'll shoot him!"

Not totally convinced, Private Johnson decides that he has no choice but to take the baton. At least he could hit people with it. "But what about a bayonet? What if I find myself at close quarters with an enemy??"

"Ah, that's easy! Poke your enemy with the magic baton and shout "STABBY-STABBY-STAB!!!".

Feeling defeated and hopeless, Private Johnson takes the baton and follows his regiment to their trench.

A few days pass, and at last the order is given to "go over the top". Johnny climbed the ladder and was immediately met with heavy gunfire. "What other choice do I have, what's the worst that could happen?" he thought as he pointed his magic baton at an advancing enemy.

"BANGY-BANGY_BANG!!!" he shouted at the top of his voice. The enemy fell down dead. "That must be a fluke," though Johnny, "someone else must have shot him!"

He pointed his stick, "BANGY-BANGY_BANG!!!" and another enemy was dead. "This is amazing!!!" thought Johnny. He ran up to the next enemy and, poking him furiously in the stomach, shouted "STABBY-STABBY-STAB!!!" and the enemy fell to the floor, dead!

So, forwards Johnny ran, shouting "BANGY-BANGY-BANG" and "STABBY-STABBY-STAB" all the way through the enemy lines, until he found himself in a deserted village.

There was one enemy soldier standing alone in the middle of the street. Johnny pointed his baton and shouted "BANGY-BANGY-BANG!!!". Nothing happened. He tried again; "BANGY-BANGY-BANG!!!". Again, nothing. He ran up to the soldier; "STABBY-STABBY-STAB!!!". Nothing. "BANGY-BANGY-BANG!!! STABBY-STABBY-STAB!!!".

The soldier just turned to look at him, and said;

"AHA!!! TANKETY-TANKETY-TANK!!!"

not a joke but my Dad sent me this today and i did think it was funny




Description

why did the bannana go to the doctors

because he wasnt peeling very well

Kirsty aged 6 at the time lol.


Joe