scudderfish
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| posted on 30/4/10 at 03:57 PM |
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Favourite clean joke?
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
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55ant
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| posted on 30/4/10 at 04:00 PM |
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quote:
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
hahahaha. like that.
um, clean joke.............. ... .
why did the hedgehog cross the road? to prove he had guts.
away from cars, now cycling and building TT bikes
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UncleFista
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| posted on 30/4/10 at 04:01 PM |
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Bloke goes out on the lash with his mate, they get bladdered rather early and he throws up all over himself.
A couple of hours later he's sobered up slightly and says to his mate "I can't go home like this again, the wife's told me
she'll have a divorce if I do it again".
His mate says "Don't worry I know what to do, stick a twenty pound note in yer top pocket, then tell her someone threw up on you in the
pub and to apologise, they bought you a few drinks and gave you 20 quid for your dry cleaning"
"Cracking idea mate, cheers" he says.
An hour later he walks in his front door and just as his missus is about to start shouting, he drunkenly tells his story and flourishes the cash from
his top pocket.
His missus swallows the story and then says "Why is there forty quid here ?", to which he drunkenly replies;
"Oh aye, there's a twenty from the bloke who shat in my pants too"
Tony Bond / UncleFista
Love is like a snowmobile, speeding across the frozen tundra.
Which suddenly flips, pinning you underneath.
At night the ice-weasels come...
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blakep82
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| posted on 30/4/10 at 04:06 PM |
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why are pirates called pirates?
they just AAARRRGGGHHHH!
and not so clean, but not really filthy either (it was a kid that told me after all...)
what bees make milk?
boo bees!
________________________
IVA manual link http://www.businesslink.gov.uk/bdotg/action/detail?type=RESOURCES&itemId=1081997083
don't write OT on a new thread title, you're creating the topic, everything you write is very much ON topic!
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Irony
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| posted on 30/4/10 at 04:11 PM |
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What do you call a frenchmen wearing sandles?
Philppe Philoppe (best read in a french accent)
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Irony
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| posted on 30/4/10 at 04:13 PM |
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Bloke goes into a doctors with a steering wheel attached to his trousers flys he says 'doctor doctor, its driving me nuts'
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Irony
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| posted on 30/4/10 at 04:15 PM |
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Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and
wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and
Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush....."
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Humbug
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| posted on 30/4/10 at 04:25 PM |
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2 nuns in the bath, one asks "where's the soap?", other one replies "yes, it does"
("clean" joke, geddit) 
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sucksqueezebangblow
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| posted on 30/4/10 at 04:28 PM |
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What do you get if you cross a cow with a bell?
Duuunnnnggggggg!
Better to Burnout than to Fade Away JET METAL ~ AndySparrow © 
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Dusty
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| posted on 30/4/10 at 04:29 PM |
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Doctor doctor, there's a strawberry growing on my forehead.
Don't worry. Have some cream for it.
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iank
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| posted on 30/4/10 at 04:31 PM |
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After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The
bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several
applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for
the bellringer's job. The bishop was incredulous "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "observe!"
He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he
had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out
of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around
the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them
asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a
bell."
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop
continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor,
armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this
duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the
firstbell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed
up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his
name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
--
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
Anonymous
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panichat
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| posted on 30/4/10 at 04:32 PM |
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What's round and sad and sits in the boot of a car?
Despair tyre.
Sorry
Dave
ps
What goes "wobble ring wobble ring wobble ring"?
A jellyphone
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Surrey Dave
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| posted on 30/4/10 at 04:32 PM |
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Doctor
Man: "Doctor sometimes I think I'm a wigwam, and sometimes I think I'm a teepee!"
Doctor: "You're too tense (tents?)........
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Hellfire
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| posted on 30/4/10 at 04:55 PM |
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Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."
The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and you can't be exposed to any light - you know
you'll die."
"Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really thirsty."
So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.
"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.
"Yeah, I think I do!"
"Well, I didn't."
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Peteff
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| posted on 30/4/10 at 05:14 PM |
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The faith healer was in town and holding healing sessions for all. He asked for people to come forward with their problems and a man on crutches
hobbled to the front.
"What is your name brother ?" he asked and the man replied " My name is Mr. Brown and I have been lame from birth" The healer
said " Go behind the screen and we will pray for you, are their any more poor unfortunates ?" Another man came forward and was asked his
name too. " My name is Mithter Thmith and I thuffer a thpeech impediment" He too was sent behind the screen to be prayed for. After
praying the healer shouted," Throw out your crutches Mr Brown " and sure enough out came the crutches. Then he called out " now say
something for us Mr Smith " and a voice from behind the screen replied " Mithter Brown hath fallen down " 
yours, Pete
I went into the RSPCA office the other day. It was so small you could hardly swing a cat in there.
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CraigJ
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| posted on 30/4/10 at 05:23 PM |
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Paddy:I'm off to dublin tomorrow Murphy, whats the quickest way?
Murphy: You walking or driving?
Paddy: I'm driving.
Murphy: Thats the quickest way then.
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balidey
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| posted on 30/4/10 at 05:36 PM |
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Heather Mills is a top model.
She can only model tops.
Dutch bears have terrible skin due to their clogged paws
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Worzey
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| posted on 30/4/10 at 05:37 PM |
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Quite possibly the best "clean" joke ever..........
A guy sees an advert in the local paper: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He visits the owner and rings the doorbell, the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black dog just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the MI5 about my
gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at
the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings
there and was awarded a batch of medals.
I had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten quid."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
Caterham R400
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MikeRJ
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| posted on 30/4/10 at 05:47 PM |
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A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 news. There's a story about a guy jumping off of a bridge.
The blonde says to the brunette " hey, I bet you £10 he doesn't jump."
The brunette says okay, "I bet you £10 he does."
They watch the rest of the broadcast. The guy jumps and the blonde goes to give the brunette her money.
The brunette says "I can't take your money, I saw the 10 O'Clock news and they showed the same story."
The Blonde says "So did I but I didn't think he would jump again.!!!"
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BenB
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| posted on 30/4/10 at 06:48 PM |
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some
hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I
see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes asked. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically,
it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I
deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"
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jonesier1
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| posted on 30/4/10 at 06:53 PM |
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five guys pull up to the irish border in an audi quattro and paddy stops them and says ,your breaking the law cos there's five of you in the car
and quattro stands for four.
the english guy says the car can carry five people,check the paperwork.
No says paddy quattro means four so you breaking the law.
The english guy says,you idot,i want to speek to your boss
Paddy replies Murphy is busy,he'e dealing with two guys in a fiat uno.....
im in my own little world...its ok though they know me there
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Stott
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| posted on 30/4/10 at 08:04 PM |
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an idiot goes for a job in a chemicals plant,
in the interview the manager asks him does he know anything about chemicals
Yes he says
Ok then, what's nitrate? the manager asks
time and a half he replys........
A blonde is walking along when she sees another blonde sitting in a boat in the middle of a corn field rowing furiously
She shouts over, "you prat, you're exactly the kind of person that gives us blondes a bad name,if I could swim I'd come over there
and give you a slap..............
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell, she's got a grenade in her mouth!!
There are so many good clean jokes!!!
[Edited on 30/4/10 by Stott]
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SteveWalker
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| posted on 30/4/10 at 08:53 PM |
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"The Ambitious Cornflake" - Very Long!
===========================
Once upon a time, in a large and looming building, with a huge red letter on the side, millions upon millions of cornflakes were produced.
Unlike all the other cornflakes, one had great ambition and felt that he must always strive to better himself and his position in life. Always he must
attempt to achieve the very top.
Almost immediately after he was produced, the line was shut down for routine maintenance and he was left at the bottom of a tremendously deep hopper,
buried under countless millions of other, less ambitious cornflakes, so:
He climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. All night, moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself through the tightly
packed hopper, until, at last, he made it to the top!
At last he could rest a while and enjoy his elevated position, it was surely what he deserved, but ...
After the maintenance work was completed, the line was restarted and the hopper was quickly emptied into a further vessel. Once again, he had to start
at the bottom.
He felt slightly depressed by this, but thought to himself, I can't let one little setback in life get me down and again he began to climb.
He climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. For hour after hour, moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself through
the cornflake choked vessel, until, at last, he made it to the top again!
Having made it, he felt he had reached his destined position in life and he began to survey the surrounding area ... and to his horror, he spotted a
stationery conveyor belt that disappeared upwards into the gloom - he had *NOT* reached the top!
Again he climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. For hour after hour, moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself up
the steep and oh so long conveyor, until, finally, he made it to the top again!
He looked around and yes, at last, he was as high as it was possible to get, right at the top of the building, with a tremendous view of all the other
cornflakes, tiny dots, hundreds of feet below. He felt he was master of his world at last.
Suddenly the conveyor began to move and he was thrown off the end and into a long tube descending in unpredictable loops and drops to the floor far
far below.
Down and down he fell, with the air seeming to rush past him, until eventually he hit the bottom and was quickly buried under millions of other
cornflakes dropping from above. He was buried deep deep down and again began the seemingly endless struggle to the peak.
He climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. For hour after hour, moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself up through
the other cornflakes that were piled so high above him and again he made it to the top!
Absolutely exhausted, he lay back and slept.
Some hours later he was rudely awakened as a machine whirred into life and began to load the pile into numerous boxes and, of course, he found that he
was stuck at the bottom of one.
He climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. For hour after hour, moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself up through
the darkness until he reached the top of the box!
The boxes were inverted, packed together and heat sealed for transport to a
supermarket, leaving him back at the bottom, so he had to begin all over again.
He climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. For hour after hour, moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself up towards
the top of the box!
Soon the boxes were loaded onto a wagon and in loading, his pack was accidentally turned upside down (it's a hard life for a cornflake with
ambition) and he recommenced the long struggle.
He climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. For hour after hour, moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself back up
through the oppressive darkness until he reached the top once more!
Hours later, at their destination, the truck was unloaded and someone, spotting that one of the packages was upside down, turned it the right way up.
The poor ambitious cornflake was back at the bottom of the heap. He almost wept, but decided instead to devote all of his energies to succeeding.
So he climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. For hour after hour, moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself back up
through the cramped box until he reached the very top!
The packages were trundled into the stores and left for a few days, then, one night, they were moved into the shop, the outer packaging was removed
and prices were stuck on the individual boxes. The boxes were stacked onto the shelves and a careless stacker put one of the boxes upside down - yes
you guessed it, out of all those hundreds of boxes, it was that particular one and again he was forced to the bottom and had to start afresh, but
after a few days respite, his resolution was renewed.
Yet again he climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. For hour after hour, moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself
up through the packed mass of cornflakes until he reached the peak! Where he remained throughout the rest of the night.
The next morning, just as the shop was opening, one of the assistants noticed an upside down packet ruining the pleasing layout of the display and
turned it back over. "Why me?", cried the cornflake silently in his mind and again he started to climb.
He climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. For hour after hour, moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself up through
the dense crowd of cornflakes, "elbowing" others aside, until once again he reached the top!
Shortly afterwards a shopper picked up the packet and looked for the price, eventually discovering it on the bottom and then replaced the packet,
price uppermost. Yes, yet again, the ambitious cornflake's life was turned upside down by fate. Despairing of ever being able to achieve and
maintain his aim, he again started to climb.
He climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. For hour after hour, moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself onwards,
upwards, towards his goal, until, again he could relax!
Another shopper, pushing a trolley rapidly down the aisle, grabbed the nearest box and threw it into the trolley, where, by chance, it landed the same
way up (fooled you there).
Unfortunately, the impact shook up the contents and the ambitious cornflake found himself about half way down the packet!
He climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. Moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself onwards, never turning his gaze
from the zenith and again he reached the top!
After passing through the checkout, the shopper placed the purchases in the car boot and set off for home. Again the fates had conspired against him
and the box had been turned over ...
He climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. Moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself towards the top, never even
considering stopping and again he only stopped after reaching the top!
When the shopping was unloaded and put away in the cupboards, he once again found himself the lowest of the low. He sat and thought for some time,
considering giving it all up, perhaps even taking his own life, but again, he started the slow climb, back to the top.
He climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. For hour after hour, moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself towards
the top, blanking out all pain and tiredness during his desperate struggle, until once again he attained his desire!
The next morning, at breakfast time, the packet was opened and placed upon the table. A child emptied cornflakes from the packet into a bowl and added
milk. Now the ambitious cornflake was not only at the bottom of the bowl, but soggy as well! At least it was cool.
He climbed and struggled and made his way upwards. Moving ever upwards, he forced himself to continue, heaving himself towards the top ignoring his
utter exhaustion, until once again he had satisfied his compulsion!
The child thrust a spoon into the bowl and drew it towards her mouth and again the ambitious cornflake was at the bottom and he began to climb.
He climbed for only a few seconds and then he could see the approaching mouth, was this the end?
[SEE BELOW FOR PUNCHLINE]
[FURTHER]
[FURTHER]
[FURTHER]
[FURTHER]
[FURTHER]
***** I'll tell you the rest next week -
it's a CEREAL! 
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clairetoo
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| posted on 30/4/10 at 08:56 PM |
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Why did Eyor stick his head down the toilet ?
He was looking for Pooh............
Its cuz I is blond , innit
Claire xx
Will weld for food......
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Danozeman
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| posted on 30/4/10 at 09:04 PM |
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what sort of cheese can you hide a horse in??
Mascapony
Dan
Built the purple peril!! Let the modifications begin!!
http://www.eastangliankitcars.co.uk
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