Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

- Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."

- The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

- Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

-Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

-Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

-Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

-For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

-Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

-Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

-The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

-Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

-A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

-At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

-Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

-Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

-Please place your donation in the envelope a long with the deceased person you want remembered.

-Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

-The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

-The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

-This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

-Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

-The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

-Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

-The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

-The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Laugh i nearly pissed myself

Larf? We nearly shat. We hadn't larfed so much since uncle died, or aunt Mabel caught her left tit in the mangle....or something like that