No jokes on the title please- this is a serious thread.

I am concerned about my lack of emotion about some recent health problems in my family.

A grandparent has been in hospital for a couple of weeks, having an operation tomorrow to try and find a blockage that is suspected to be related to a cancer operation 10+ yrs ago.

And on top of that an even closer family member on the same side has been diagnosed with the big C following a routine checkup, operation in a week an a half.

I've never been hugely close with my family, but don't feel worried about what's going on. My feeling is that, they found it early on a routine checkup so it'll be fine. My girlfriend who isn't particularly fond of this person is more worried than I am!

I feel like I'm missing something, but not sure what it is. I know emotions/feelings are funny things and affect people in different ways, and i know shock can be delayed etc.

I'm not after sympathies, just anyone who's had similar scenario's who'd be kind/comfortable enough to offer some advise. Either via posting or u2u if they'd rather it kept private.

Thanks,

Andrew.

[Edited on 18/10/04 by ned]

people have different kinds of reaction.

when we found out our eldest had autism 12 years ago, my wife went into turmoil. I took the view that its only over when its over. Ive not been proven to have taken the wrong path yet on that one.

I was lucky enough to have a full set of grandparents till I was 25. They all died off by the time I was 33. In that time, some of them were sudden deaths, apart from my grans . Both were in hospital, and I didnt exactly rush to see either. You kinda expect that things will turn out ok.

but often they dont.

when my grandfather died, i dealt with it ok. I had been given an old jacket of his that he always wore on special occasions - that id seen him with since a young kid. It had on the pocket a Fire Services badge - hed been in the brigade during and after the war years.

A month or so after he died, my wife threw the jacket out, not knowing what it was. It really broke me up.

Not the funeral, but the jacket. Specifically y the badge. I think it was the lost connection, and being part of the memories. Sometimes feelings come out in strange ways.

You may be trying to protect yourself by ignoring the problem. If you were closer to the person you couldnt. I have spent a day waiting to find out if my wife had a tumour or not 10 years ago. They just let you stew until the consultant turns up the next day. Hard situation thats not easy to ignore!

nice happy cheery monday morning!

atb

steve

[Edited on 18/10/04 by stephen_gusterson]

Sometimes it is good to have someone around who is level headed and objective about this stuff. Worrying about things that might not happen doesn't really help in my opinion - dealing with things appropriately and sympathetically when they do happen is much more important.

Just because your'e not getting visibly upset, doesn't neccessarily mean that you don't care or even that it won't get to you in the future.

As Steve says everyone reacts differently to circumstances but I am sure that if I was ill I would want my relatives etc. to be upbeat and supportive rather than getting upset and worrying about me.

all the best

Mark

I can agree with you on the "distant" part. My father in-law wasjust diagnosed with cancer, and my grandfather has just recently been confined to a wheelchair because he can no longer stand on his own body weight. I always kind of see stuff like this as the natural part of life, your born you grow older, bodies start to fail or get sick, and you die. Stuff like this never really fazed me too much.

Other than the extra phone call once a week to talk to see how my grandfather is doing I havnt made any special trips to try and see him. I just havnt been able to just pick up and travel 1/2 way around the world.

Thanks to those offering their advise/support, both on and off the board...

Ned.

You know what Neddy? I had this very conversation not long ago with someone I know who is a Community Phsychiatric Nurse.

His theory is that this detachment is a strong protective coping mechanism, A buffer against the world and particularly against a bad situation.

In his experience people can be faced by an enormous problem, even the loss of a partner and appear completely unfased by it until, like in Steve's experience, a trigger, which may be conected or not to the situation, causes the facade to dissappear.

It's one of the most powerful coping mechanisms human beings have, there's nothing wrong with you mate, except you're human and we've all got to put up with that.

Cheers

Chris

I was that way a while back, and found that treatment for depression helped. I also suffer from a mild case of Terret's Syndrome, the treatments for which are often anti-depressants.

The fact that you are concerned would make me think perhaps you might seek a doctors opinion? The Doc may put you on a Zoloft or some such, if it helps you were depressed... if not, maybe you're just really stable.

Either way, best wishes to your family, and let's hope all works out for the best.

Grant

beware antidepressants unless you are sure they are needed and will help. it can be a downward spiral, as taking them is depressing in itself.

as for the lack of emotion, as people have said, its not that odd. I say go with the flow; you feel what you feel, dont waste time wondering why you feel it.

best of luck anyway mate.

Hmm know what you mean, my father had Multiple Sclerosis for over 35 years.
When he died, I did not feel sad at the funeral at all.. All I could think of was that he was not suffereing anymore, and was free of it. I still dont feel bad about it.
I am not terribly close to the family, but I still have feelings for them, but watching your dad go from walking with two sticks (me aged about 7) to being totally paralysed and bedridden 35 years later, really alters your outlook on life and it problems.

Keep yer chin up and dont take tose pills unless you need them,.... Iv'e been on them for nearly 2 years.. I dont think they work, but wonder how much worse it might be, without them.. I have been getting very depressed. I have my own problems now, I think weak nerves must run in the family.


However... boarded up part of the car port today (day off) only 1/3 of one side done, but I feel much better, even though I ache like crazy from the sawing, nailing and painting...
ie getting ready for the Viento chassis to arrive.

Arrrr The wonders of "Retail Therapy"

Best regards

Geoffw.