Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their
local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to
them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and
enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way
around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What
do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here
are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend,
"Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from
here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the
direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can
see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's
naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there
with her.......
He's naked as well! The bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in
the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad,
so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a
few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I
can save you a grand here....."

lol

thats a good one...!

Somebody's been watching the 'Jethro' video .....

Jethro is well cool.

Seen 4 videos and got one dvd...

After 40 years on the job, a postman was in the middle of slogging through his route for the last time, collecting thanks, tips, and congratulations from many of his patrons.

He was surprised while climbing the steps to a home, when the door swung open and his customer invited him in for breakfast. She was an attractive, vivacious woman of about 35, who always seemed to have time for a chat and a kind word, so he was pleased to accept.

And what a feast it was! Waffles, sausages, and eggs, all expertly prepared, with fresh fruit and delicious coffee. He and his hostess laughed and joked throughout the meal, and he had a wonderful time. While he was sipping his second cup of coffee, she disappeared for a minute.

"Yoo hoo!", came a cheerful female voice from some distance, "Mr. Postman, please come here!"

He walked from the kitchen to the front hall of the home, looked up the stairs, and there she was, stark naked and beckoning to him.

"C'mon now", she laughed.

Well, the old fellow had never seen such a ripe and beautiful woman before. He practically floated up the stairs, and she showed him the time of his life.

When it was all over and they stood at the door as he was leaving, she handed him a dollar.

The old man practically burst into tears, and said, "No one's ever shown me such kindness in my whole life! Why did you do all this for me?"

"Well, actually, it was my husband's idea."

"Your husband's idea!!!"

"Yes. When I told him that the postman was retiring today, and asked him what should we do, he said, 'F___ the postman, give him a buck.'"

"The breakfast was my idea!"



P.S. No intent to hijack your thread, Tim! You started a joke thread, right?

Pete

[Edited on 1/10/03 by pbura]

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very
taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named
Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.
His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had
failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on
about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have
you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in
this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large
whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak --
pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered
to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of
execution after all.

Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and
went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the
bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear
view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the
attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out
loud woman, don't you ever stop?"

ok, this is a little out of date this one, harking back to the good old days when Terry Venables was leeds boss...


terry was in the local building society one day when he had a funny turn and passed out for a few seconds. as he came round lying on the floor, he said, 'where am i?'

a concerned passerby said, ' its ok terry, you're in the nationwide!', to which terry said, 'WHAT? so soon? seasons not over yet...'!!!!