nick205
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| posted on 19/12/17 at 03:34 PM |
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Writing a eulogy for a funeral
Afternoon all,
It looks very likely that my Dad's business partner (40 years), neighbour and my godfather will pass away in the not too distant future. Sad
times ahead for those around him!
Having known him all my life I've been asked to speak at his funeral. Whilst I'm more than happy to do this it's not something
I've had to do before.
I've looked briefly online and there appear to be a few guides to preparing and performing a eulogy. I'm still somewhat unsure of
undertaking this correctly and wonder if any LCBers can make any recommendations before it takes place?
Any guidance will be much appreciated on my part - I want to do this properly!
Thanks,
Nick
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jossey
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| posted on 19/12/17 at 03:53 PM |
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Sorry to hear that.
Just Don't try be too funny. But add fun moments of your memories.
That's all I have sorry
[Edited on 19/12/17 by jossey]
Thanks
David Johnson
Building my tiger avon slowly but surely.
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MikeR
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| posted on 19/12/17 at 04:08 PM |
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The only experience i've had of this is listening to the vicar talk about my mum. If you are struggling it may be worth finding your local vicar
and explaining the problem and asking for help.
Her vicar talked about how loved she was in the family then did a history of her life with achievements. Interspersed in this was fun or key memories
for people who were there. eg my mum was vice president of the arts festival which ran from blah to blah and is fondly remembered for blah blah but it
didn't surprise the vicar having known my mum to find out few people can forget when blah blah.
One thing i would say is make sure you get a list of people to thank or mention. Our vicar had a lot to fit in and it was disappointing for him to
miss off mentioning the last school she taught at when so many of the staff had turned up.
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nick205
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| posted on 19/12/17 at 04:44 PM |
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Thank you gents - some good points there!
I know there'll be lots of friends and family present and have known him a long time so picking out some relevant moments should be OK.
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jps
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| posted on 19/12/17 at 05:02 PM |
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Based on the funerals i've attended, when someone other than the vicar (or equivalent) speaks it's along the lines of "let me tell
you about the bloke I knew". So I don't think you can really go wrong if you do that - obviously focus on everything good about that
person - and share some personal experiences that illustrate what kind of person you're saying they are/what it was about them you
loved/respected/admired.
I would expect to say something to frame all that in terms of their most immediate family if they are there - i.e. if his widow or children were there
I would be saying something like "at this difficult time I hope it helps a little to hear about all the happy memories I had, what a great
bloke, how lucky we are to have spent time with him..." etc
If there is a vicar (or equivalent) they might be covering the overview of their life and some selected happy memories so I would speak to them to
avoid repeating stories or anything.
I would say absolutely avoid anything negative. But I've been to more than one funeral that was for someone who went too soon, because of their
own mistakes, and it's clearly hard for the people who have to speak to know how to pitch that... They've tended to front it up and make
the point that "no-ones perfect, but let's think about what was good". I would say these are the occassions that everyone (including
the person speaking) has been in tears...
RE: "doing it properly", i'm assuming you've been asked to do it by someone who knows you well? I imagine they've picked
you because they think that 'what you do' is what they want to hear - so i'm sure you'll be doing what they want however
you choose to approach it.
[Edited on 19/12/17 by jps]
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nick205
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| posted on 19/12/17 at 05:17 PM |
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Thank you again.
It's his wife and the eldest of their 3 kids who've asked - longtime family friends. I will certainly be consulting them beforehand on
who else is speaking and what may be said. I'm sure there'll be upset people and I don't want to repeat things.
Strangely a memory that sticks in my mind is mixing mortar for him for a whole weekend when he chose to build an extension himself. Perhaps not
overly amusing in itself, but the extensions still there 30 years on!
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SJ
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| posted on 19/12/17 at 05:25 PM |
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My only advice would be ask as many people as you can who knew him to share their memories with you and incorporate them as you see fit. That way you
should get loads of stories.
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russbost
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| posted on 19/12/17 at 06:11 PM |
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Everything said so far is pretty much spot on. One piece of advice, make sure you have everything written down & rehearse how & what you are
going to say, I'm not suggesting read it word for word, but having a few key points you want to make jotted down will help to make it flow more
easily rather than standing there thinking "I know there was something else I wanted to say, but what the hell was it???"
If you think there is any possibility you might choke up (probably depends how close you were to him, but even at a distance these events can be very
moving & upsetting) then make sure the vicar/whoever is administrating has a copy of what you were intending to say so they can pick it up to
carry on if you can't.
Try & avoid looking at any one person individually, I found it best to focus towards the back of the room over people's heads, the last
thing you want to do is to catch someone's eye who is already upset, can be bad news for you both
Best of luck & hope it goes as well as these things can 
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cliftyhanger
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| posted on 19/12/17 at 06:48 PM |
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Having done this twice, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. After teaching secondary school for 20 odd years and doing assemblies etc,
standing in front of 100 odd people to talk about a friend of mine was difficult. I felt my words really mattered.
As it turns out, they do, but people are generous and forgiving. I was the first to speak, and started with a mild gag line along the lines of
"it looks like I am the warm up act" which was true, and fitted with the type of person my friend really was. I then went on to recollect
some of the things we had done together, including stories involving his ex-wife and kids (who were there) and stuff about how he had me up a ladder
on Christmas eve fitting a woodburner, while he was lying on a sofa clutching a hot water bottle to help with his pain. It was very comical at the
time. As was his ability to scoff chocolateto build him up as he approached the end.
People appreciated all that stuff, the honesty as it reflected him so well. A humorous slant is perfectly acceptable if it was who the person is.
(this chap had Blue Oyster Cult, Don't fear the Reaper) when his coffin was bought into the church. Absolutely awesome.
Sorry, I am digressing. Do what you can, people will like what you say. Be honest, not afraid. And be proud that you are that important to the family,
it really is an honour and I am certain an experience that will live with you forever. It certainly does me.
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Mike Wood
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| posted on 19/12/17 at 07:12 PM |
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NIck
Good luck and very best wishes.
As others have said, you must have been asked as a trusted friend who knew the person and their family well over many years, and would like you to be
you in how and what you say.
Don't forget to say your name and how you new the person. And use handwritten notes that you have written and can follow.
Sounds like you already have some good stories that illustrate the good qualities of the person that would resonate with others who knew them.
Keep it relatively short, clear and positive.
Be prepared for kind words at the end of the ceremony and at any do afterwards. You may be surprised how grateful many people will be for someone to
have warmly and genuinely spoken fondly about someone they as well you knew well, cared about and who positively influenced the lives of others. Such
public speaking can help sum up and express the views and feelings of those present and help them remember the person.
Best wishes
Mike
[Edited on 19/12/17 by Mike Wood]
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Wheels244
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| posted on 19/12/17 at 11:53 PM |
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Hi Nick
Sorry for your future loss.
I was given the honour of doing a eulogy for one of my best mates in July.
His son and daughter asked me - what a privelage.
I asked them if I could be a little unconventional - they were very happy with this.
My mate was a right joker, it was only fitting he was given that sort of send off.
It got off to a good start when I put a bottle of Bud on his coffin, before going up to speak.
I regaled stories of his escapades and the way he was - interspersed with a few serious bits.
I managed to get the whole church laughing, including the vicar.
It went down very well and his family loved it, they said it’s exactly what he would have wanted.
Horses for courses and all that, humour may not be appropriate for your circumstances
but it certainly was for my mate.
I’ve got a copy of the eulogy if you would like a copy ? Obviously personal to my mate, but might
help with format.
Bloody miss him.
Cheers
Rob
Build Blog: http://wheels244.wordpress.com/
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nick205
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| posted on 20/12/17 at 08:57 AM |
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Thanks again for the input given - it all seems to suggest the same approach - be prepared!
Wheels244 - a very kind offer of you - I've dropped you a U2U with my email address - a copy to study for format would be a great help.
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Schrodinger
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| posted on 20/12/17 at 09:09 AM |
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This may not be possible but as he's still alive ask him if there is anything he wants said?
Keith
Aviemore
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overdriver
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| posted on 20/12/17 at 06:50 PM |
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Hi Nick,
Having been in the unenviable position of having to compile and deliver eulogies at the funerals of my mother (in 2015) and my brother (three months
ago), I have, regrettably, some recent relevant experience.
In the first instance, I would advise preparing and printing the eulogy and then rehearse, rehearse and rehearse. Aim for circa 900 - 1,000 words
which is about 6 - 7 minutes at a measured pace of speech. If you've rehearsed enough, the printout becomes little more than a prompt sheet.
Supply the vicar or celebrant with a copy in advance so they can a) prepare their own delivery without repetition (or even contradiction!) of your
speech b) be able to jump in if you 'dry'. Taking this latter point to a literal sense, an open bottle of drinking water secreted on the
lectern beforehand is a good idea.
Whilst the content of the eulogies I have done are, of course, specific to my mother and brother whom you didn't know, I would be quite happy to
share them with you if you feel they may be of value in helping you to undertake this responsible task so pm me if you'd like copies.
Michael.
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Irony
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| posted on 21/12/17 at 08:11 AM |
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I did my mother's and it went down well. Make sure you liase with the vicar as Micheal above said. In mine the vicar said some stuff I was
goingoing to say and I has to improvise. I just Googled some examples, read them and once I got going the words just flowed out easily.
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nick205
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| posted on 21/12/17 at 04:35 PM |
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Thanks again chaps - trust me I'll be practicing it before delivering it. Fortunately my parents know him well and will be at the event so
provide a practice audience for me.
[Edited on 21/12/17 by nick205]
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pewe
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| posted on 21/12/17 at 06:01 PM |
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As others have said preparation is key - depending on how long you will be speaking for you should be practising for at least that time x 3.
Practising in front of a mirror helps.
Notes should be used as reminders rather than to be read.
Take a deep breath before you start, take your time and remember you're not trying to give a complete history of his life so if there are points
you omit it's not the end of the world.
Use a W pattern when looking at the congregation to include everyone.
Finally it will probably be one of the hardest things you'll do, given the emotions involved.
HTH, Pewe10
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David Jenkins
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| posted on 21/12/17 at 06:37 PM |
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In the past I've had to do presentations to a crowd of people - I found that it was much better to get a decent-sized piece of card and write
down a number of key points in the correct order. I've prepared this by writing down the words I wanted to say (you could give this to the
vicar), reading through and editing them many times until happy, then pick out the main points and put them on the card. If you're half-decent
at talking you'll remember the details that go with the main headings, and you'll sound a lot more natural to your audience. Reading from
a fully-detailed script will just sound awkward.
On occasions I did a 20-minute talk from an A5 card with 10 headings on it, as I knew the subject well. The headings just made sure I didn't
forget anything important. As you know the person so well this may be all you require to keep the speech on track.
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Toys2
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| posted on 22/12/17 at 03:55 PM |
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I'm sorry to hear of your impending loss
I can only mirror the comments earlier, for me the most touching parts are how that person made you feel, how they impacted other people and how their
legacy will live on
I've had various training at work on presentations, I'm not a natural public speaker and can get very nervous. Everyone is different,
here's what worked for me
Write out the speech long hand - best on a PC so it can be edited
Then above each paragraph, have a bullet point title in large easily readable script
I'd run though the script out loud a few times to check timing
Then I'd practice and practice the first line, I found that once I was a minute in, I'd relax and not normally need notes, though the
bullet points were there if needed and the full script was to hand if it all went wrong
and remember, never have your hands in pockets and don't fiddle!
People's attention span is highest at the very start and end of any speech, it would be nice to have you most memorable points at these times
If it's from the heart, whatever happens it will be fine and remember, everyone is there for the same reason, everyone is with you
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nick205
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| posted on 2/1/18 at 08:58 AM |
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Thanks again for the additional comments - all appreciated!
Spent a little time with him and his family over Christmas. A little uncomfortable at first since we all know what's happening. Have to say
though that he wasn't letting it dampen the spirit and soon had everyone on pretty good form 
Spoke some with his wife and kids about the impending funeral and tasks. His immediate family are very supportive and have given me some info on
points they want made. Others making speeches will be his older brother and his 2nd son - both people I know well. This gives us all some time to
plan ahead and ensure we don't conflict or indeed miss anything.
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