In need of some jokes for tomorrows Friday Funnies email exchange at work please....?

Possibly "not work safe" [1] but absolutely the funniest jokes on the 'net

[1] Actually it's absolutely definitely NOT safe for work

Sickipedia

what's red and sits in the corner? a naughty strawberry


what does a rastafarian have for breakfast? Reggae brek


The Police today announced that terrorists have hidden incendiary devices in tins of Alphabet Spaghetti.
If they go off this could spell disaster.


Ive just bought a dog called Fido from a blacksmith. Hes an amazing animal, as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.


Norman wisdom may not be with us any more but my memories will never be fazed. Amazing churches, the feudal system, avoiding injury by arrow and tooth brushes to die for.

The vet said to the Irish dairy farmer "I'm sorry, it's bad news. All your cows have Blue Tongue.
The farmer replies "Bejaysus....I didn't even know they had mobiles!"


My life is so boring, Nicholas Cage should star in it


I've just hit a child at 50.
I'm going to hit the other little b******s at numbers 52 and 54 tomorrow


DVD: "You wouldn't steal a car".
No, but if my mate could do me an exact copy of one for a quid I'd be buying one off him


The other day I angered some Mafia hitmen, then this morning I woke up to find my wifes head on the pillow next to me!
The rest of her body was still attached, I'm just saying, its been a bad week.


I broke into a pet shop today and stole a rabbit.
Then I made a run for it.


My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador.
It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind.


My mate just gave me a really old sewing machine,
To be honest it seams ok


My wife asked me "Would you say that I was likable?"
I said "No love, bulls are male. You're like a cow."


A 90-year-old man was caught doing 8mph in his mobility scooter on the inside lane of the M1
His life was in serious danger - particularly on the three occasions he pulled into the middle lane to overtake women drivers


My wife just ran off with my new best friend.
I have not met him yet, but I can't wait to shake his hand


My wife says she loves Toastabags from JML.
I don't know who the other 3 are, I never watched X Factor


I saw a woman crying as I was walking home from the pub last night.
I said, "What's the matter?"
"Gavin's gone" she replied.
I said, "Sorry but I can't really help you out, I don't suffer with heartburn".


It only rains twice a year in Scotland: August to April and May to July


My doctor has just prescribed me a dose of anti-depressants...
...which I'm not happy about


News just in, "HOSPITAL STAFF WORRIED ABOUT CUTS".
Well I hope no-one with a broken leg gets admitted, there'll be total panic.


My mate's spent years trying to cure his agoraphobia.
I think he needs to get out more


Scousers take everything seriously.
No seriously, they take everything


I don't follow tradition.
And neither did my father, or his father before him


It was the wife's birthday yesterday . She asked me to get her something to make her look hot . Somehow I don't think a two litre bottle of Jack Daniel's was what she had in mind....


My friend and her girlfriend just gave me a lovely TAG Heuer for my birthday.
Guess they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."


My wife's just like Heather Mills.
She only wears half the f***ing shoes she buys.


I met this woman and she asked me "So tell me about yourself." I said "That's f***ing original."
Which is why I didn't get the job


My budgie broke his leg this morning so I made him a splint with two swan vesta matches. His little face lit up! Unfortunately so did the rest of him as I forgot I'd lined his cage with sand paper!


My dentist has a plaque at the front of his surgery.
But he keeps scraping it off.


What is the odd one out, a Shark, a Crab or a Scouser?
The Shark. The other two wear Shellsuits and are always pinching things


I'm just back from Canada. Now I'm not saying that it's always cold there but they have four seasons there:-
Almost winter,
winter,
still winter,
and almost the end of winter


There's a huge debt crisis in Greece.
Apparently they've got bills.........they're multiplying


I've been sleeping with a set of twins recently, it's great fun but I was finding it hard to tell them apart.
Luckily the brother grew a moustache


I've Finally found a loophole to get rid of those annoying pop ups, "Meet hot local girls in your area."
I moved to Scotland.


Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!


Dyslexics Have More Nuf


How do you annoy Heather Mills?
Nick Clegg


I was walking along the street the other day, when a scruffy young man, sat down on a blanket, with a dog, shouted...
...'Any Change?'
I replied ...
'No, I've still got a well paid job and a big house'


News : Woman Falls Asleep And Wakes Up With Chinese Accent.
This happens everyday in china.


I married a girl who said that she didn't believe in sex before marriage.
In hindsight I should have made sure that she believed in sex after marriage.


If women think they aren't meant to cook, then why do they have milk and eggs inside them?


Paddy & his missus Mary decide to try a 69. Paddy's never done one before so Mary says she'll show him. She tells him to lie on the floor & squats over him. As she lowers herself onto his face she accidentally farts. Apologising she tries again but farts again. Paddy jumps up & storms out yelling, "I'll be f***ed if I'm hanging around for 67 more of them!"


Sky News: Emergency services were afraid they could be swamped by a torrent of melted ice."
I believe the technical term is "water".


Kids: You spend the first few years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut up.


My wife suggested for my birthday I have a threesome.
I replied "Do I get to pick both girls?"
And then the fight started...


Katie Price has been rogered more times than a policeman's walkie talkie


I was just eating a packet of crisps & noticed a message on the back:
'NOT TO BE SOLD SEPERATELY'
Who in their right mind would want to buy just one crisp?


I've just been speaking to the ex-wife about my visiting rights with our kids.
She says I can see them two Sundays a month.
But I think I can haggle her down to just once.


What's better than being a historic pioneer of women's rights?
Being a man


Did you know that Heather Mills is a top model?
That's right - she can only model tops


I went to the store to get Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. The salesgirl there didn't know what it was, so I tried to explain. It's about a black guy who crashes his car, sleeps with prostitutes, and attacks people with a golf club. The salesgirl came back with Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2010


I'm assuming the inventor of Marmite loved it.


If I had a pound for everytime someone said I didn't pay attention I have absolutely no idea how much I'd have at all


My wife told me that she was seeing someone else because she was fed up with my bad habits.
I nearly choked on my toenail.


I've decided to monitor my broadband speed over the course of each month and the closer I get to the full speed they told me, the closer I get to paying them the full amount I told them


I couldn't make it in politics, I spend too much of my own money


I come from a long line of Conga dancers


My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower.
I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally."
She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!"
"Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're having a shit."


I got out of the shower and my wife said, "Ooo look, it's like a penis ... only smaller".
I said, "Ooo look, it's like my secretary ... only fatter and less flexible".


My girlfriend told me I suffer from a lack of imagination.
I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination".
That showed her.


Being vague is almost as fun as doing that other thing


Shine a torch through a glass of water. You can see light on the other side.
Conclusion? You don't need wipers on your headlights, you tool.


If at first you don't succeed...
Try doing it the way your Husband told you.


My wife just told me that in 9 months I will have a little surprise!
Oooooh, I can't wait ..I hope it's an Xbox


My girlfriend keeps telling me she'd like to be treated once in a while....... So I covered her in Creosote.


Some bloke at a bus stop earlier hit me on the legs with a stick for no reason.
Naturally, I retaliated and beat the living crap out of him.
Just for good measure, I kicked his Labrador as well


If space is a vacuum, shouldn't all astronauts be women?


As a pest controller I do get some strange calls from people...
Like the other day some scottish bloke phoned about a moose under his floorboards. Weirdo...


I'm a 'glass half-full' kind of guy.
Or, to use my full title, 'Wetherspoons Bar Staff'.


Run your wife a nice hot bath, light some candles & pour some wine.
Then you've got at least 40 mins on the playstation plus a clean wife


Seriously worried about my birthday in a few years time.
Apparently at 40 there's an 80% chance I'll kill a child.


Call it a hunch, but I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine


My wife has just given birth for the first time.
I don't know who I feel more sorry for, my son for being ginger or my wife for having to bring him up on her own


After years of research, a study has finally figured out what satisfies most women.
F*** all.


Sharing fantasies with your partner is a bad idea.
Last night my wife suggested we tell each other our deepest fantasies, which led to a huge fight.
She said to me, "I'd love to tie you up, whip you and pour hot candle wax on you".
I then whispered in her ear, "I've always wanted a Nissan Skyline".


I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way.
Through the driver's door


I went in to my local Staples, and could not believe how disorganised the stationery was.
It was all over the shop

Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 30 years ...
he came back with both his knees grazed and covered in bruises ...
turns out she stood him up


I just wrote an email to my wife saying I fancy a hot shag tonight and I accidentally sent it to my gran.
Means I'll have to drive to Devon now


You will never guess who I just saw at the petrol station - it was that human torch guy from the Fantastic 4 film.
I tried to get his autograph but he just kept rolling around on the floor screaming


And how do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until its bill withers


I tried to get to work by train this morning, they said "Today there is a Bus replacement service"
So I gave them a tin of pineapple chunks.
They said "What's that?"
I said "That's my money replacement service."


My wife says I remind her of Richard Hammond.
We both nick trolleys from Morrisons


Enough with the censored "beep, beep".
I'm old enough to know what Road-Runner is really saying


Why has EDWARD WOODWARD got 4 D'S in his name?
If he hadn't he would be EWAR WOOWAR


Two old women are sat having coffee. On says to the other...
"Did you come on the bus?"
The second lady replied ...
"I did, but I managed to make it look like an asthma attack!"


This Christmas, I want Santa's list of naughty girls


Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and whiskey and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.


I don't know this for a fact, but I'm pretty sure deaf people cheat at charades


I got the wife a electric lawn mower for her birthday it serves two purposes!
The grass gets cut and she can follow the cable back to the kitchen.


The local chemist recommended DulcoEase, to help soften my hard stools.
I ignored his advice and bought a cushion.


I'm a very modest person. And proud of it.


Whilst emailing jokes last night my wife told me that she doesn't know why I bother and that the only joke I have is in my underwear. So here goes:
"Marks and Spencer, Medium 33-35 inch waist, 90% cotton, 10% elastene, Made in China, Part of a 2 part set"


She said, "let me show you some pictures of you when you were younger"
I said, "every picture of me is a picture of when I was younger"


Why do dwarfs always get stopped at customs?
For trying to bring small arms into the country.


If you're so much better than the leading brand... why aren't you the leading brand


I've just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible.
I'm still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself.


How subtle is the b in subtle?


Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.
She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you f***er'.
He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your bum but you said, 'F*** off it'll be too painful'. Now who's laughing?'


Paddy was in the pub telling his mate about joining the army and his first parachute jump. He said they were up about 30,000ft, and one by one they started to jump. It came to his turn, and he couldn't jump, no way! Then this big black fella pulled out his 12 inch cock and said, "Paddy if you don't jump I'll stick this up your arse."
Paddy's mate asked, "Well, did you jump?"
Paddy said, "Just a little when he first put it in."


Prison walls are never built to scale.

I went to the hospital today for my appointment at the Urogoly Dept. 3 hours I waited, they're taking the piss


What's black and White and eats like a horse?
Amy Winehouse.


Lessons in Life: Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out


My wife is so stupid.
I asked her, "If you could be anyone, dead or alive, who would you be?"
She said, "Definitely someone alive".


A Slut: A woman with all the morals of a man


car insurance is a bit like wearing a hospital gown, you're never actually as covered as you think you are


My wife made me really happy in bed this morning.
She got out.


Designers have invented a new bra for middle-aged women. They've called it "The Sheepdog", because it rounds 'em up and points them in the right direction



Car of the year 2010 as voted for by the readers of Women's Own is...
A blue one!




my wife said I was ignorant
But I don't understand how I can be ignorant if I don't even know what the word means.




I've just started a new job at the local slaughterhouse, stunning cows.
...And some of the sheep are pretty bonny too


Driving home I noticed I had a police car right up my arse.
Must have a word with my nephew about leaving his toys lying around


A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once


My girlfriend went mental because she found out I'd slept with another woman from our work.
"We were on a break!" I protested.
Turns out our lunch break doesn't count


Iron Man is a superhero.
Iron Woman is a command


What do you get when you ask a politician to tell "the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth"?
Three different answers


One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.


Paddy went to the vet the other day and said "excuse me mate but i think my fish is epileptic"
the vet, looking at the fish said "he seems fine to me"
Paddy looked at him bemused and said "well you haven't taken it out of the water yet"


I was once cast as Oliver in a silent interpretation of Oliver Twist.
It was brilliant, I couldn't ask for more.


My son is being forced to smoke by our French exchange student.
Pierre Pressure



The sign on the door said "Guide dogs welcome".
As I entered the shop, a labrador greeted me, thanked me for shopping with them and took my coat.


I just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.


Some say that footballers deserve their ludicrous wages, others say that soldiers deserve the money instead. It really makes you think, isn't there some way people who pass their GCSE's could have it?


I found a confusing coin today. I couldn't make head nor tail of it.


I have been forced to leave my job at the watch factory because the bloke next to me kept making faces.


Piracy is killing the music industry.
You try playing the guitar with a hook


What's big, Scottish and depressing?
Scotland.


Just wondering if anyone is interested in free kittens?
The more I can get rid of, the less I have to drown


Football; A gentlemans game played by hooligans.
Rugby; A hooligans game played by gentlemen.
American Football; A cocks game played by cocks .


My mate said, "This Rubik's Cube would be a lot easier if I wasn't colour blind."
Daft prick, it's a piece of wee if you're colour blind!


When I was sixteen, I spent my all of my time playing the Playstation and wanking.
A lot has changed since then.
I have an Xbox 360 now.


Dear Walkers Crisps,
Your crisps are really tasty.
When will you be making a full bag?


Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London!"


God I had a tough childhood. Especially in the neighbourhood where I lived. The people there used to cover me with cream and put cherries on my head.
It was tough growing up in the gateau!


Clear nail varnish makes ideal tippex for correcting mistakes on overhead transparencies.


Keep an empty bottle of milk in your fridge in case someone wants black coffee or even tea.


Don't buy bright red paint for exterior metalwork from B&Q. Judging by the state of many of their DIY stores, it's really 5h1t


Arrive for your doctors appointment two hours after the assigned arrival time. That way, you will only have to wait an hour for your doctor to see you


Grated cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating.


Husbands, cheer yourself up by watching your wedding video in reverse. You'll love the bit where you give her back the ring, walk back up the aisle, get into a car and f**k off.


Annoy and frustrate SpecSavers staff by wandering up to their counter, squinting your eyes whilst looking up at the price board, and when they ask if they can help you, saying “Big Mac Meal, please.”


Avoid the embarrassment of shouting out the wrong name in bed by only having flings with girls who have the same name as your wife

Pantomime ..... underwear for the hard of hearing.


cant help thinking that Jesus would have been a lot happier if 'no more nails' was invented back then...



You can say what you want about deaf people.


I was climbing Big Ben for charity, when all of a sudden my rope broke and I fell!
But luckily I got snagged on the big hand of the clock, and then I thought...
Hang on a minute....


Judging from the state of my Asda Bag For Life, Ive got about another week.


I beat my wife at dominos the other night.
She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings

I got to work at 9.45am today and my boss yelled at me saying "you should of been here at 8"
Apparently "why what happened at 8?" wasn't the right response


What's the difference between JLS and Futurama?
There's only one Bender in Futurama.


I got offered a well paid job by a chap at the brittle bone society today.
I snapped his hand off.


There is a thin line between hyphenated words


British Summer.....
6 weeks of warm rain.


Well I have just got home after fighting in Afghanistan for 6 months.I thought I might get a hero's welcome when I went down the pub, but they all seem to think its not very patriotic joining the Taliban.


I found a great new place for bumping into women...
... the opticians.


I have CDO. It's OCD but with the letters arranged in alphabetical order


As my late Father always said...
get a decent watch.


BBC News Headline: Cole fears voice ruined.
I suggest that she rubs Vic on her chest.
Yours sincerely,
Vic


If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?


What's long, stiff, and makes every woman moan ?
- an ironing board


Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!"
I sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy


They draw eyebrows on, wear fake eyelashes and nails, a tonne of makeup, hair dye, extensions, get botox or boob jobs and wear padded bras.
Then they go out and have the nerve to bitch that they can't find a "real" man!!


The devil makes work for idle hands. Unlike the job centre.


My Doctor has advised me to start running.
I'm not ill or anything, I've been shagging his wife


What's funnier than a female stand-up comedian?
Everything


I don't know why I just bought some new coconut shampoo...
I haven't even got any coconuts


I met a girl in a pub last night and we ended up going back to her house.
After a few more drinks, we started kissing and having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.
She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs."
I said, "Okay, you grab one end and I'll grab the other."


If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.


I was working late at the Carphone Warehouse last night when I received this text from my wife:
'thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphone.Whenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative.'
And as I eagerly rushed home, I couldn't help but wonder...
What the hell does 'ternative' mean?


There is no "I" in team but there's five in "Individual Brilliance"


My dyslexic friend is always playing pranks on me.
He definately has a KWD side


My mate's just got a new Polish girlfriend. It's taken her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she's a Slovak


What does a Paralympian fear the most?
Testing positive for WD-40


My wife said that she's going to leave me.
But before she does, she is going to make sure that my bank balance is zero.
That's nice of her, paying off my overdraft


Whats the best way to pull an American?
A Tractor.


An Irishman was trying to get his donkey to go under a low bridge.
Every time the donkey's ears touched the underside of the bridge, it stopped dead.
A passer by suggested that the Irishman dig a shallow trench, so that it would go through.
The Irishman said, "You thick ****, it's not his f***ing legs that are too long, it's his f***ing ears!"


How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan


Two eggs, a sausage, and a mushroom walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."


What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?
Banned from the petting zoo


Why can't you hear a dog whistle?
Because they can't.


How many prostitutes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I have no idea either.
I did hire four prostitutes once, but we did other stuff


All men like to think they are marrying nymphomaniacs.
The problem is that after a few years the nympho leaves but the maniac doesn't.


My girlfriend's temperamental:
50% temper, 50% mental


A man is admitted to hospital with six plastic horses shoved up his rectum.
Doctors described his condition as stable


Never get stuck behind the devil in a post office queue.
For the devil can take many forms


I hate it when people tell me that I've got a low pain threshold.
It hurts more than they could possibly imagine


A man has been arrested in London after he was seen on CCTV intimidating ethnic minorities, bullying people and generally acting in a racist and facist kind of way. He was then spotted driving the wrong way down a one way street whilst breaking the speed limit at the same time as he was talking on his phone.
He has been charged with impersonating a police officer


"Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer."
That's the only reason I'm still married...


Greggs have sold an astounding 1.5 million apple based pastry desserts this month alone.
What a turnover!


I was on Dragon's Den but got chucked out.
Apparently asking Deborah Meaden to "f*** off and get me a sandwich while the men talk business" is unacceptable


It's funny how women change.
I never really noticed it until I set up my webcam in Topshop


Why do baby outfits have pockets? Can you really imagine your 8 month old saying "right, fags, phone, iPod, keys, wallet. Ready to go".


In the beginning there was nothing. God said, Let there be light! And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.


I walked into the newsagents and asked if they sold Oyster Cards.
The cashier said, "For the bus?"
I said, "No, it's my oyster's birthday."


After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, chief inspector McTavish has announced that he's looking for a man with one eye, if he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes.


I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left


I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on.
This one was written in London


I'm not convinced that faith can move mountains, but I've seen what it can do to skyscrapers.


My bank lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance.
It's a cool feature but I didn't think the 'LOL' was necessary.


By switching a 60W light bulb off for 6 hours.
You will have saved enough energy to light a 60W light bulb for 6 hours


Two Monkeys were sitting in a bath, one says to the other ''Oo Oo Oo''
To which the other monkey replies, '' Well put some more cold in''

( In a Les Dawson voice)

Ee I opened the door and it was the mother in law, with all her hair done, ready for a night at the bingo with the wife.
I said "You look fetching"
She said "Oh do you really think so?"
So I picked up the dogs bone and said "Yeah, fetch !"


My wife said "you only want sex when your drunk."
I said "thats not true, sometimes i want a kebab."


I see Oxo is doing well on the stock market.


I just walked past a second hand shop that had a sign in the window which read
"T.V FOR SALE, BARGAIN £1, Slight fault-volume stuck on loud!"
I thought, I can't turn that down!


.......le a day keeps the doctor away.
There's 'an app' for that


I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia.
Which is the one about being in a closet?


In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Simply grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a child travelling with you, secure your own mask before assisting with theirs.
If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.



A little girl runs up to her Grandad and asks
'Grandad! Can you make a noise like a frog?'.
Puzzled, the Grandad replies 'Well, I suppose'
'Great!' exclaims the little girl, 'Cos Grandma says we can all go to Disneyland when you croak'.


The wife has finaly agreed to threesome.
But I can't help wondering Dave is a funny name for a girl.


Guess who i bumped into in Specsavers?
Everyone


Return flights.
They take me back


I always keep emergency flares in my car .
You never know when you're gonna be invited to a 70s disco.


How is knocking up your girlfriend like locking your keys in your car?
The problem goes away with the aid of a coathangar


What's got a hundred legs and six teeth?
The front-row of a Cliff Richards concert.


I have invented a kitchen cleaner that kills 0.1% of bacteria.
I plan to sell it to Dettol.


Who picks up Guide dogs poo?


My mate told me that I just don't understand irony.
Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.


I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.
He said, "Grandson... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"


A very wise woman once said:
Nothing.


A man walks past a Blacksmith's and see's a sign in the window saying 'Help wanted'.
He goes in to have a word with the blacksmith, because he needs a job, and they have a bit of a chat.
The blacksmith says to the man "Have you got any experience? You know, have you ever shoed a horse?".
The man responds 'No, but I once told a donkey to f*** off'.


Who's the worlds most famous Polish man?
Mr. Sheen


How do you know if someone has an iPhone?
They tell you


Last night I told my girlfriend she was crap at oral sex.
Didn't go down well.


I just bought a calender from the intensive care unit in the local hospital,
It's days are numbered.


I met a girl on a dating website today.
After a little bit of flirting she sent me a message saying, "I'm a size 28, does this put you off?"
I replied, "No don't be stupid, at least you're not fat, I'm a 34".


I phoned up a female escort agency last night.
I said, "How much would it cost for one of your women to come to my house for sex tonight?"
She said, "£120 per hour".
I said, "Great I'll book one, I presume that she'll want the £4 in cash?"


Im on the william hill diet...
Just lost 50 pounds in 10 minutes.


2 of my closest friends died in 9/11.
Such a shame, especially since Mohammed and Asif had only just got their pilot's licence.


BBC News: Two pedestrians die in collision.
How fast must they have been walking?


Irony - along with Washy, Cleany, Tidy, Hoovery, Dusty and Dishes she makes up the seven female dwarves.


Saw a advert for Tesco the other day, it was offering free home delivery.
So I ordered a bungalow


Why did God create man before women?
because he didn't want any advice


War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.


I saw the Lollipop Man this morning.
For a superhero, his costume was crap. And don't talk to me about his weapon of choice


I could never work in the Jobcentre. Imagine if you got fired! You'd still have to show up the next day...


During Antiques Roadshow today, I looked at the 19th century mahogany chest of drawers in the corner of my living room and thought:
Maybe that's where the remote is.


I was messing around with my mate at the pottery factory yesterday and we got locked in the kiln.
The boss fired us both


What's a riot?
Three dyslexics


Someone keeps scratching my car and breaking the door mirrors off.
The police think it's someone with a vendetta.
Good, now they know what scooter he rides they might be able to catch him.


What do you get when you cross Ray Mears and George Foreman?
Bear Grylls


I accidentally robbed a bank.
It wasn't my vault.


I said to my wife, why don't you tell me when you orgasm.
She said I don't like ringing you at work


Do you know what really makes me smile?
Facial muscles.


My favourite pick up line...
'Pick that up'


Artist found dead in his country home.
Details are sketchy.


What do you call a woman standing between two goalposts?
Annette.


When I was young my fairy godmother asked me if i wanted a long memory or a long penis...
I forgot my response.


It's far better to see a pregnant lady standing up on a bus, than giving up your seat to a fat girl and seeing her cry



My son took his first steps this morning.
The window cleaner is furious



My girlfriend and I ended up having the mother of all breakups last night, the underlying message being that my "sense of direction was causing huge problems in the relationship".
Eventually, tired and frustrated, I stood up, packed my things and right


I went round my mate's house yesterday and his kids were running round the house screaming.
He looked at me and said, "Don't ever have kids mate."
I said, "Hard work?"
He said, "No, you're an ugly bugger."


I find it difficult to write on those touch screen monitors.
So it's back to the drawing board.


You hear all of these stories of how husbands bury their wives under the patio...
I couldn't be arsed so mines just lying on top.


A storm has ripped through my coconut farm ... I'm desiccated.


A shop assistant dared to ask me why I needed twenty pots of Tippex this morning.
Big mistake


I just warned my daughter that boys will only want one thing from her.
So she hid her PlayStation 3.


I'm like a 'warrior' when i'm in bed...
...I sleep next to a Battle Axe.


I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'.
You probably saw our posters


I was walking past the church on Sunday morning when the vicar turned to me and said, "Love your neighbour."
I said, "Me too - cracking pair of tits!"


I was shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked.
So I clicked "Add to cart."


Body-snatching.
It's not the winning, it's the taking parts that counts.


Wanted to book a climbing trip to Mount Everest.for £20,0000
I changed my because that's a bit steep for me.


Got up this morning and thought, 'it looks nice out'.
So I left it out.


I was out front getting ready to paint my metal gate when a bloke walking past says, "What are you painting it with, Hammerite?"
I said, "Wrong, I'm painting it with a brush."


In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom using a sheeps bladder.
However in 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.


I went out yesterday to play frisbee with my dog.
It was crap
I need a flatter dog.


I really like those dry-wipe boards.
They're remarkable.


I have finally got a girl to drop her knickers...
I tickled her in the laundrette.


I saw a woman about to park outside my house and said, "I don't think you can park there, love".
She said, "Sorry, I'll move it over there".
I said, "You probably can't park there either"
She said, "Why not?"
I said, "Because you're a woman


I see the price of fireworks have skyrocketed


I love watching womens heavyweight boxing. Its hilarious to see them fight back tears when the announcer tells everyone their weight.


If it's true that we live in a non-sexist society...
Can anybody tell me where the "Fathercare" shop is please?


I was at the checkout in Tescos the other day with a trolley full of shopping, there was an old lady behind me with just a pint of milk
I said " is that all you have ? "
she replied "yes"
so I said " you had better f*** off to another checkout then , i'll be ages with this lot "



Dirty Dancing - a romantic, feel good film...... about an abortion!


Big shout out to the partially deaf.


Tip for the day;
Never confuse Laxatives with Viagra.
It makes you crap in bed!


People who hate hand gestures:
I salute you.


One lady owner.
So the clutch is f***ed then.


My missus is in the hospital at the moment, so today I had to make my own bacon butties.
They just don't taste the same when you're surrounded by angry firemen.


If I had a pound for every time someone called me a cock, I'd buy an iPhone.


My wife came home to find me in bed with a young attractive blonde girl.
She said, "What the f*** are you doing?"
I replied, "We are just practicing our golf swings."
She then said, "That's a stupid answer!"
I said, "Well that was a stupid question."


I saw a notice outside a shop saying 'Missing Tortoise, Can You Help?'
I thought, "Honestly, take your eye off your tortoise for one minute and it's off."


You can't fault the training of this proud nation's retail industry. I stormed into Sainsbury's last night, grabbed a cashier round the neck, put the barrel of my gun to her head and said, "Don't try anything stupid, just give me all the money."
With a look of terror in her eyes she slowly raised her arms above her head, turned to look at me, and with a tremble in her voice said, "Have you got a Nectar card?"


Do midgets get half price full body massages?


Most of us have skeletons in our closet.
But David Beckham takes his out in public


The pope was asked by FHM magazine what grooming products he uses, he replied that he found Haribo and Smarties worked best!!


Are orchestras in Japan conducted with knife and fork?

Apparently the pope as now allowed the use of condoms for the
preisthood, but only during extreme circumstances.....


.... like when the alter boys have diarrohea

nice one nick .
cant believe you guys can type so much though, wow

graham

News : 'Cap For Unemployed Families On Benefits'.
Burberry by any chance?


Every cloud has a silver lining (except for the mushroom shaped ones, which have a lining of Iridium & Strontium 90).


As I pulled back the ringpull on my can of Stella I heard "Hello".
I thought to myself, "It must be the drink talking".


I smashed my car into a bus stop full of people last night, got away with a broken arm.
Don't know whose, but it's mine now.


The wife has just come into the living room wearing a little pvc number, fishnets and high heels. She handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best'.
I can't wait.
I love Shepherd's Pie


Schrodingers cat walks / doesnt walk into a bar


I must be some sort of medical marvel;
Despite being told I was infertile, me and my wife have gone on to have three beautiful children. Not only that, they're black too!


I don't think they'll ever find a cure for my narcolepsy, but I can keep dreaming.


News: "Scots throw away £460 worth of food each every year"
Maybe McDonalds should stop putting salad in their burgers


When people ask what I do I tell them im a stock taker.
Sounds better than saying im a thief


Having no hands makes me not feel very well.


Someone's just thrown a massive lump of cheese at me! I though to myself: That's not very mature !!!


Cheryl Cole : proof that women should be seen and not heard.


Cigarettes are just like ferrets.
Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire


Can somebody help me? I cant think of another use for Multi-purpose compost other than growing plants in it.


What do you call a half irish, half chinese man?
Pat Noodle


Jesus brand Condoms --- Because Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord.


I went to the library and asked the librarian, ' Do you have any books on multiple orgasms? '
She repiled, ' OH,YES,YES,YES,YES,YES,YES


Just got back from my check up at the doctors who told me I had the legs of an olympian.
Oh wait, sorry, he said I had athlete's foot.


If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?


After fifteen pints of Stella, my wife becomes very attractive.
I have to tell her that, she's a violent drunk.


My mailorder bride from Eastern Europe is on her way to the U.K now.
The Czech's in the post


I have tickets for The Comedy Club in a couple of weeks time but cant make it. Does anyone want them? They are for the Anfield Road end.


Why is someones last request never "Don't kill me" ?


How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side


Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson .
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.
"What the feck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.
"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin' bejasus out of me", says an obviously embarrassed Mick: "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor".


I shagged a dwarf last night.
It was my first time, but I won't be making a hobbit of it


Me and the missus finally agreed the name we both liked for our future child.
Now it's just a case of snatching one with that same name.


I just got hit in the head by a falling number 7.
It struck me as odd.


Im so excited for the annual flashers convention next week.
I can barely contain myself


Acupuncture.
A jab well done.


My mate's Bonsai tree business is going so well, he's had to move into smaller premises.


I have decided to open a pub made entirely from oxygen-carrying proteins found in blood.
I will call it The Hemoglobe Inn


I bought a 3D TV the other day, f*** me its good!. Fell asleep during the liverpool game,
when I woke up my wallet had gone!


Principle: - Royal tug of war
Creche: - Kensington car accident
Fine: A tax for doing wrong.
Tax: A fine for doing, er, fine.
Witlag: - Time between end of a joke and laughing
Traverse: - To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.
Tree: - The second method


I've just split up with my girlfriend after I found out she works the streets part time.
She's a traffic warden


I bought a second hand FedEx van today.
I hate the colour and the uniform, but I can park it anywhere.


"This bag is not a toy"
You'd have to be pretty sad to think it was


I was on my computer earlier, I had 7 windows open.
I was bloody freezing.


Breast implants should come with a squeaky toy inside them,


What do you call twin policemen?
Copies.


A bomb has been planted in a pint of milk.
If it isn't found soon, it will go off


I phoned the Paranoia Help Line but hung up after 59 seconds.
I'm sure they were trying to trace my call.


I was looking around DFS yesterday when I saw a sofa with a very stupid Price on it.
Turns out Katie was out furniture shopping too


Potent:
A shelter for the smallest teletubby


I can't remember the last time I heard a good Alzheimher's joke


Bob: I raped and murdered a prostitute in Amsterdam a few years ago?
Jim: Really! What was it like?
Bob: Quite nice. Lots of Canals.


I was walking past a building site today and there was a builder hammering slates onto the roof and he called me a paranoid prick......... in morse code


Thought I had come up with a great business plan. Was going to build bungalows for dwarfs.
There was just one small flaw.


Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed?
Still no superheros.


My best mate is called Al Gebra.
Sometimes I just don't understand him


Do history exams get harder every year?


Schizophrenia - together I can beat it


Did you hear what happened to the blind circumciser?
He got the sack


I've just been watching Phil Taylor play darts against an amputee.
He's one leg down


My friends can't understand why I enjoy stealing dried grapes but I have my raisins


I think education in this country is improving these days.
There are kids as young as 4 running around speaking fluent Polish


BBC Weather Update: Cloudy later with a 50% chance of rain.
So it's either going to rain or it's not?


There's actually a really quick way to tell if your house is haunted.
It isn't.


I just made a to-do list.
So far I've only got:
1. Get something to eat
2. Cheryl Cole


I've got a mate serving in afganistan.
Waiter wasn't his first choice when he enrolled


My grandad had a night on the wee last night.
His bag leaked


When I was younger I always felt like I was a boy trapped in a woman's body.
However, that changed when I was born


I saw CountDown yesterday
He's Dracula's spastic brother

Sky news -
'France Warned Of New Al Qaeda Terror Threat'
The French prime minister replied instantly,
"we surrender"


Teacher says: Okay class, we're going to go around the room and have everybody say a sentence. We'll start with Sarah.
Sarah said: Cows have spots.
Terrence said: 'Baseball is a sport.
Carla said: Computers are electronic.
Bobby said:Urinate.
Teacher said, Bobby, urinate is a word, not a sentence.
Bobby said, Not urinate, it's "you're an eight" And if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten.


Did you hear the one about the dyslexic gunman?
He shat himself


I got asked the other day if i had any religious views? i replied well i can see the church from my bedroom window


I'm going to open a gym for dykes and call it a Lezzer Centre


Why did my wife cross the road?
To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three f***ing hours ago


My attractive female neighbour is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is.....purified? Oh wait petrified, sorry it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.


Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus.
I couldn't help but think, it would work much better on the front


The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you


Medal of Honour has been described as the most controversial game ever because there's a level where you have to shoot Americans in Afghanistan.
So, you play as an American then?


Now, how's he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that...? thought the spider


My gran is donating her body to medical science....
She's hoping it will help provide a breakthrough in nana-technology


My girlfriend came to me in tears this morning claiming that I had forgotten her birthday.
I took her hands, looked deep into her eyes and said "Darling it's not that I forgot, I just don't care."


Coffee: Somebody who is coughed upon


My boss asked "Why is it when things go wrong you always blame somebody else?"
I said "No, you're thinking of Mike, he's the one always blaming others."


If at first you don't sucseed....succeedd....suxeedd...sucks.....oh I give up!


A hole was found in the nudist camp wall yesterday.
Police are looking into it.


This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club.
I was confused, I'd never met herbivore


Humans.
0 to 60 in 60 years


I'm considering becoming a mind reader.
What are your thoughts?


Suspense, the best thing since...


Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
I have a knife
Get in the Van...


I was down the wrong end of the bath when I felt a cold tap on my shoulder



If I had a pound every time I needed a pound, I'd never need a pound


it goes without saying...


Why do people always draw someone drowning at the end of their sentances? lol


I sell lions for a living..............doing a roaring trade at the moment


I've just built a scooter shaped like a cygnet.
I'm going to call it Swan Vespa


I invited the lads around for an afternoon of booze and sport.
But apparently rosé wine and rhythmic gymnastics makes me "gay"


Facebook was banned in Pakistan because their request for a relationship status of "Arranged Marriage" was turned down


For Sale:
500g Of Beef.
Mince Condition


The weather in Britain is like the Muslims in Iraq. It's either Sunni or shi'ite


Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
Everyone except billionaires


I saw this guy with a charity box on the street collecting for famine in Africa. The trouble is, I'm majorly in debt and can't possibly afford to donate any money.
Luckily, after a visit to the bank, I was granted a huge loan so I went back and gave him all of the money.
I love being Prime Minister


My son asked me to help him learn the alphabet the other day, but i could only remember 25 letters,
I don't know why


Did you hear about the epileptic mechanic?
Apparently, you cant get quicker than a kwik fit fitter fitting


My wife is like Google!
She has an answer for everything


I went house hunting with the wife last night.
We were both so pissed we'd forgotten where we live


What's the difference between Jamie Oliver and a run in the woods?
One is a pant in the country...


I was in a band once called 'Cold Air Balloon'
But we never took off


Ever since I was asked to do a bit of maintenance work on Big Ben I've been working around the clock


I just got arrested by the old bill.
They said they were looking for a retard and a good looking guy, so you better grab your helmet and crayons and run like f***


All my Lego figures are violent, alcoholic drug users.
Maybe it's because they come from broken homes


My mate was trying to convince me there are these islands way out in the Atlantic which are technically part of Britain.
'No way' I said, 'that's just Scilly'


I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser


What does Jeremy Kyle watch when he's off sick?


I'm Bill Gates and I'm pretty sure windows 7 was my idea!!!


Yes, it was me that started that Mexican Wave.
I'll hold my hands up to that one


Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clocks broken and I'm wide awake.
Not sure who won


There's a strange, spooky noise coming from next door's garden.
I'm not scared, I'm making it


I played poker with a crocodile last night.
Lost a couple of hands


I didn't realise my girlfriend could do such a brilliant Darth Vader impression.
Although, I don't recall Darth Vader ever saying "Please... give me back... my inhaler."


I was using a car park the other day and the sign on the ticket machine said: Disabled Must Pay
I agree, it's about time someone stood up to them


Dear Gilette,
If you continue to increase the amount of blades on your razors we're going to end up buying cheese graters

Transexuals just aren't what they used to be


What's the difference between the French and toast?
You can make soldiers out of toast


Oh god scariest moment of my life yesterday, I got on a bus with a muslim woman on it and really thought I was going to die.
She was driving


How do blind people know when their arse is clean?


Wayne Rooney suffered a fire at his mansion last night, and is absolutely devastated his library was burnt down. Not the fact that there was only 2 books in there, but the fact he hadnt finished colouring in one of them


If a gay man goes mental, do they put him in a bent jacket?


Sadly, my socks are like snowflakes - no two are exactly alike


Sainsbury's: "Try something new"
Ok......... Tesco


Paddy is driving past the bus stop when he spots Murphy there.
''Would you like a lift Murphy?''
''No thanks Paddy ... I might miss my bus.''


In France they go ''trick or retreating''


How did E4+1 cope when the clocks went back?


BBC News : Government to employ "explosive sniffer dogs"
Now, call me old fashioned, but that sounds dangerous

Watching Jamie Oliver cooking sea bass with lemon and parsley really inspired me to go and create a fishfinger sandwich with tomato sauce


I just bought one of them 3D televisions.
Sure beats the photograph of a television I've had for all these years


I got kicked out of Scouts for eating a Brownie


Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep;
If I die before I wake
Will someone please delete my internet browser history



I don't understand why Christians are against gay marriage.
Jesus had two dads, he turned out alright


My local post office uses 4 counters.
Unless it's really busy then they use 1


What I remember most about Lego:
5%- Building things according to instructions
10%- Building whatever the hell I wanted
15%- Searching my giant box of lego for that one piece
70%- Screaming in agony after stepping on a brick barefoot


I bought a waste paper basket the other day but when I got home I found that it had started unravelling, I took it back to the shop for a refund, but they refused. Apparently I was told it was a rubbish bin when I purchased it


Ever since our band leader lost both his legs in a tragic accident, we've affectionately called him our semi-conductor


Why do you need a driver's license to buy alcohol when you can't drink and drive?


BBC News: Big fall in Royal Mail's profits
Looks like people must be sending cheques through the post instead of cash these days.


I cross-bred a pigeon with a woodpecker.
I now have a bird that can not only deliver a message but can knock on the door too


If a Schizophrenic threatens suicide is that considered a hostage situation?


I think I'm going to order a load of bubble wrap just to see what it's delivered in


It takes balls to be a sperm donor


Anybody else notice the similarities between religious war and children fighting over who's imaginary friend is the strongest?


People who don't understand relativity will tell you they don't understand relativity.
People who don't understand Quantum mechanics will tell you they don't understand Quantum mechanics.
Even people who don't understand Shakespeare will tell you they don't understand Shakespeare.
Yet people who don't understand evolution will tell you it's wrong


I said to my girlfriend "You're like a font"
She said "Like a font of knowledge?"
I replied "No, I would prefer you Gothic and Size 8"


What do you call a fly in striped pajamas?
A wanna bee


I feel sorry for those people who only play darts with a blindfold on - they don't know what they're missing.......


I needed some extra cash, so I robbed a bank.
Now I just need to figure out what to do with all this sperm


79% of accidents happen in the home.
Finally, good news for the homeless.


I've just published a book on D.I.Y.
It's blank and comes with a free pen


I went for that laser eye surgery today and it went really well until I came to pay the bill. When I asked why it was nearly £1000 per eye instead of the advertised £395, they simply said "Hidden charges, didn't you see the small print?"


A gay wizard walks into a bar.
Then disappears with a poof


I bought a deodorant stick yesterday, the instructions said to remove top and push up bottom.
I can't walk very well today but when I fart, the room smells lovely


I watched changing rooms today.
Now I'm banned from Primark


It is believed that 9 out off 10 people believe that out of 10 people, 1 will always disagree with the other 9


I attended a charity event for gambling addicts.
The raffle was a bad idea...


I witnessed five skinheads beating up a frail old lady across the street last night.
I didn't intervene because I didn't know who started it


Motorists.
Unless you've kidnapped it, nobody gives a f*** if you've got a child on board


I was minding my own business in the pub last night when a man came over to me and said, "You look like a poof."
I was so outraged, I immediately challenged him to a dance off


I raised the alarm at work today.
The midgets were furious


New viagra eye drops, they make you look hard


I hope I am the last guy on earth, I wanna see if all those women were lying to me


Facebook: Reducing the amount of Birthday cards I get since 2003


Some people have a way with words,
others not have way


Video game enthusiasts:
For a stimulating experience cover your car windscreen and drive using just your Sat Nav


I have had my idea for a new TV show rejected by ITV. It was to have been called Jeremy Kyle; The Musical.
Seems it has been done already under the name of The X Factor


I brought a bag of fresh air today.
Imagine my surpise when I discovered a crisp in there


The bank sent a cheque back marked "Insufficient funds".
Them or me?


I never knew what true happiness was until I got married.
Then it was too late.


"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee


Black sky at night
Night
Black sky in the morning
Still night. You just got up too early


I've just tried making small talk with a dwarf, he was very Shy, and self-conscious.
I think he was being Bashful


At my mother-in-law's funeral, my wife called me 'tactless'. Well, I think she did...
I couldn't hear properly over my iPod.


I love the snooze button, because I tell you what I need after 8 hours of sleep.
A little bit more sleep


They say change is good for us,
Well if it's good enough for us, it should good enough for the climate


Where there's a will, there's a way!
I used that phrase today...
...While explaining to my father why he has to live in a home


For the first half of your life, women tell you what you should do; for the second half, they tell you what you should have done


I dont think i could stand having no legs


Has anyone ever actually asked their Dentist about 'New Sensodyne Pronamel'?


I walked into the hairdressers today.
The guy said, "Can I help you sir?"
I said, "I'm after a short cut".
Then I walked through the shop and went out of the fire exit


I dont consider them as one night stands, they're auditions


How do you make a blonde brighter?
Set her on fire!


Womens football.
If it isn't raining I'm just not interested


Just put £10 on a horse.
It fell off


Mmmmmmm.
These Korean meatballs really are the dogs bollocks


What's the difference between Cheryl Cole and the sexiest woman in the world?
A Geordie accent


Add The Queen as a Facebook friend by sticking a stamp to your computer screen


I'm quite worried, I swallowed a load of lego the other day.
I'm 5h1tt1ng bricks


I have a reccuring dream where I divide 10 by 3


I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: "How did you know this was here?"


Are daytime TV phone-in competitions too easy?
A- Yes, B- Wimbledon, C- Archbishop Of Canterbury


I promised my vegetarian wife that I'd never eat a dead animal again.
It was a silly promise and I wish I never made it.
I can't begin to tell you how difficult it is to eat a duck whilst it's flapping it's wings


I had two minutes silence this morning . . .
I gave the Wife a bag of toffees


The thumb:
The only part of a woman a man doesn't like being under


I feel like I've been 12 rounds with Audley Harrison.
Absolutely fine


I bought a lap dog last night.
It's like a normal dog except it can dance sexy


The only thing worse than finding out you were given up for adoption would be finding out it was Rick Astley who gave you up


I bought a fan belt today.
It keeps the top of my trousers cool


Prince Harry is gutted at not being invited to the wedding.
Apparently it is family only


Just finished washing a leopard skin rug. It's spotless now.


I've just took the shell off a snails back in the hope it would make it a bit quicker.
It didn't work, it just made it more sluggish!


It only happened twenty four hours ago but it felt like yesterday.


The manager of the toy shop I work at phoned me and said:
"Steve, our stock records show that we're missing a space hopper. I need you to find it for me."
I said "Don't worry boss, I'm on it."


We all know what a 69 is, but what's a 55?
Disabled Sex


The missus was watching a cookery programme the other day.
I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."
She said, "You watch porn."


My dad gave me some good advice.
"don't be sexist, bitches hate that".


My brother said I was a crap Best Man at his wedding.
I was speechless.


Surely by now the teenage mutant ninja turtles are not teenage anymore.


I hate Hedgehogs.
Bunch of pricks


A man was in the doctors waiting room, he saw a little girl playing with her barbie and ken dolls immitating the doggy position.
The man bent down and told her "You'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that".
She replied "I dont think so, he's doing her up the arse"


My Bullmastiff has bitten my Mother In Law so I've had to take him to the vets to get his teeth sharpened


My mate accused me of cheating at poker last night.
I wasn't.
Everyone knows 5 kings beats a flush


How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?


This Royal Wedding is an especially joyful occasion in my house because we actually need new tea towels


A policeman stops a woman speeding and asks for her license.
He says to her: "It says here you should be wearing glasses."
"Well, I have contacts" she replies.
"I don't care who you know, you're still getting a fine"


Cheer yourself up at the next funeral you go to by hiding a tenner in your black suit today


The guy to convince the first blind man he needed sunglasses must have been one hell of a salesman


Am i the only one who thinks Basil Brush is a secret muslim?


Everyone keeps telling me that if Britain didn't fight in world war 2 then we'd be speaking German
And that's why Germans speak English???


According to research, 50% of the British public would like to see Princess Diana on a British banknote.
Thats ridiculous.
You can't have a dead person on one side of a banknote and their killer on the other


The wife said she had a terrible fall in the street after slipping on dog poo, and that it was a full 5 minutes before anybody helped her up.
I wanted to tell her about my day too, but then I'd have to reveal I nearly crashed the car, laughing so much at some woman slipping on dog poo in the street.


I had two subjects at school that I was crap at...
Maths


Prince William's Stag Do is going to be very wierd
Stuffing pictures of his Gran down the bras of strippers!


My wife is like a fine wine.
She smells of wine



What do Kate Middleton and my broken Xbox have in common?
They both have the ring of death.



I just got kicked out of my local laser tag and the police were called.
Apparently knifing somebody to save ammo is not allowed


The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money


Friend of mine suggested that we do something outrageous for Children in Need.
So we went round all the pubs dressed as teddies and shaking a collection tin. Managed to raise £300.
Then we went clubbing and spent the lot.
That was pretty outrageous if you ask me!


Why did the little boy think?
He couldn't thwim


I'm scared to say no to terrorists.
I have Iraqnophobia


Pope Benedict XVI has said the use of condoms is acceptable "in certain cases"
Water Bombs



Johnsons baby: New formula designed to be soft on skin
As opposed to the last formula which was designed to cut gaping wounds in your baby?


BBC News:Tiny chihuahua set to join Japan Police
Japanese News:Giant dog set to join Police


Special offer for men with premature ejaculation problems, free numbing agent to prolong love making.
Available at your nearest pharmacist on a first come first served basis


I wonder what would happen if people stopped asking hypothetical questions?


Paddy the Irish Paramedic rushes a pregnant woman into the maternity hospital.
The nurse in charge asks Paddy "How dilated is she?"
"Ah Jaysus, she's over the fekkin moon" replied Paddy


I had my credit card stolen, but I didn't report it.
Because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife


I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan.
Somebody is going to be wrong!!..


On Sunday, my mate invited me for a traditional British Sunday lunch.
You can't beat chicken tikka masala, pilau rice, naan bread and popadoms


I just had an email from a Chinaman asking if I want to buy a boat.
It went straight into my junk folder


Did you hear about the athlete who tested positive for viagra?
He tripped over during the 100m sprint and won gold in the pole vault


My girlfriend is always on at me to make her feel special.
So I've put one of those handrails next to the toilet


I locked my keys in the car in Liverpool the other day.
I spotted a group of scallies and asked them if they had any tips for getting into cars.
"Yeah mate," said one, "but it'll cost you a tenner."
I didn't have much choice so I paid him and then stood and watched an expert car thief at work as he chucked a f***ing brick through my window


My girlfriend's eating for two.
I stood her up at the restaurant


I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off


Sky News: 'Parachute team die in plane crash'
Couldn't they have just jumped out?


BBC News: Plans for reading tests at six.
It's a bit short notice, I usually have my tea then


Two gorgeous blonde biologists were in the field one fine summer day. While following a game trail, they came across a pair of tracks. "Look! a pair of tracks" The first blonde said while pointing to the ground.
"Those are deer tracks," the other blonde replied.
"Oh no,"she said to the first, "Those are definitely moose tracks."
With this, they began to argue. In fact, they were still arguing when the train hit them


If Ron weasly really is a wizard
Why's he still ginger


the japanese have invented a new camera with such an incredibly fast shutter speed, it can take pictures of a womans mouth fully closed!


Man flu.
God's way of levelling the score against child birth


Guy goes into a fancy dress shop and goes to The vampire section.
Girl behind the counter says.."Maybe you should try the Liverpool club shop across the street".
Guy says "I'm sorry, you must have misheard me. I said I wanted to dress like a count!"


Got really emotional this morning at the petrol station.
Don't no why, just started filling up


When Muslim parents feeding their children have to use the "Open wide, here comes the air-plane!" technique, do they just smash it in their face and make explosive noises?


Thanksgiving.
A time for Americans to give thanks to their forefathers for providing them with an excuse to eat Christmas dinner a month early


They say that 40 is the new 30, but try telling that to a speed camera...


I wish I was less awkward around strangers.
I never know what to say when someone asks me who I am..
and what the hell I'm doing in their house

[Edited on 24/2/11 by balidey]

What's the most dangerous mammal in the ocean?
A woman submarine driver


A mute incontinent.
Goes without saying


I always give up my seat on the bus for those less abled.
When I get off


I bought my pet Labrador a new coat for this inclement weather, It even has a pocket for a mobile phone.
The only thing is he's only four, isn't that too young for a mobile phone?


All people do in my workplace is talk about the f***ing weather.
The sooner I leave the meteorological office, the better


They say every snowflake is different..
They obviously haven't seen chinese snowflakes


I went for my routine 6 monthly check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse .
That can't be normal dental procedure


There are four stages in life:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus


What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen


Has anyone else noticed that 'dyslexia' is an anagram of 'hippopotamus'?


I've been treading on egg shells recently
Now they wont let me in Tesco any more


My Wife just put a fish in the oven.
I don't think she should be allowed pets


Simon Weston asked for a divorce on the grounds of adultery last week ......
He said his kids look nothing like him


At school I was taught that I shouldn't always label people as disabled.
It was offensive, and a huge waste of stickers


I for one...
...but that's roman numerals for you


How cold was it this morning? I had to use my B&Q discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen!
Didn't work though, only got 10% off


Blind People.
Avoid giving everyone a tennis ball for Xmas by choosing the present yourself and not letting your dog do it


At least after the 2022 World Cup, Qatar will have some cracking stadiums to stone women in


For 2 pound a month you can provide clean water for a whole African village.
If thats the case how come my water board charge me 30 quid a month?
Clear racism


Say 'No!' to animals in Circuses.
And, if that dosn't work, beat them and smack them with your whip so they'll know who's boss


The wife has just got back from the doctors.
She's been fed up and tired for some time. Apparently she has got an "iron deficiency".
Well that's her birthday present sorted


Why do blondes like expensive things?
Because opposites attract


I took my wife to see Narnia today...
Not the film, i've just locked her in the wardrobe


We've just had a Gypsy family move into our street this week and I think they maybe quite posh.
When I drove past their house this morning, they had a Waitrose shopping trolley in the front garden


A stand-up comic came in and performed on every floor of my building today.
It was funny on so many levels


I know why I'm lost....
Because I let my wife read the daw


I was crying about a pot of paint this morning.
I really shouldn't get so emulsional


I drove a hearse through a Pharmacy window, and as the car ploughed through the shop I shouted to the pharmacist, "Have you got anything to stop this coffin?"


I work as a waiter.
The pay isn't great but I put food on the table


My girlfriend and I went to stay with her parents at the weekend, but her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.
Which is a shame, because I really fancy him


News: Government to spend £830m on superfast broadband
Why? It's only £7.49 a month off BT


Gran's always up for a laugh, so for a bit of a practical joke, I put her walking stick out of her reach ..
I just can't believe she fell for it



I hate people that say, "He's a nice person once you get to know him."
They might as well just say, "He's a dickhead, but you'll get used to it."


I've recently been reading a book on reverse psychology ,
Or have I?


My brothers still confused after I asked him if he's heard that new thing they're not telling gay people


You've really got to hand it to midgets.
Because more often than not they can't reach it themselves


Whenever there are gun shots on our street, my son looks at me to see if everything is ok.
But I'm usually too busy reloading to notice


I have a thing for older women.
A pair of incontinence pants


Back in my day we didn't have paedophiles.
We had to buy our own sweets


I get so much spam in my e-mail inbox, all kinds of stuff like asking about the size of my penis and am I after a hot date tonight?
I really wish my boss would wee off and leave me alone


My mate signed up for one of those 'learn to be a plumber in 6 weeks' courses you see in the papers.
His final exam was at 9am yesterday. He turned up at 3pm looked at the exam paper and said.....''looks like I am going to need a pen for this job, I will have to pop round to my suppliers for one. Be right back.''
He came top of his class!


It's only recently that I found out that when people talk about 'chicks with dicks' they're not referring to footballer's wives


What's red, and shaped like a bucket?
A red bucket.


When's the best time to go shopping?
When the shops are open


My mum was very good at making me eat my food when I was younger. She would hold the food on a spoon and repeat - "there's a train coming, there's a train coming" and I'd always eat it then 'cos I knew if I didn't she wouldn't untie me from the railway line...


My wife said we needed to communicate more.
So I gave her my email address


My missus rolled over and said, "I love lying in bed."
I said, "So do I beautiful."


I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."


I don't like children.
What people don't seem to realise is that babies are here to replace us.
Once you understand that you can see just how sinister they are.


I'm getting heavily criticised for the way I run my magazine publishing company, and I don't know why.
I've been in charge for five years now, and there haven't been any issues in all that time.


I just found a message on my fridge today that read "paul, you must remember you have alzheimers, from paul" now I don't remember this paul and I'm pretty sure I'd remember having alzheimers, anyway as I was saying, I found a note on my fridge today...


I was in bed with the wife last night when she turned to me, looked in my eyes and said, "I'm going to make you the happiest man in the world"
I replied "I'll miss you"


I've just had 40 winks on the train...
I knew I shouldn't have worn this pink t-shirt


I am so worried that I'll develop insomnia, it keeps me up all night


I've always thought that parenting was in many ways similar to raising a dog.
Which is why i've just left my toddler tied up outside Tesco while i do some shopping


My next door neighbour is a cannibal.
He's a man after my own heart


Venison's deer, isn't it?


After 10 years of marriage I know exactly how to please my wife in bed.
Not touch her


When my girlfriend revealed she was pregnant she was overjoyed.
Sadly my wife didn't share her enthusiasm


Boy: "Do you want to play the fire engine game?"
Girl: "How do you play that?"
Boy: "My fingers are the fire engine and I drive up your legs. You say 'red light!' when you want me to stop."
Girl: "Okay, lets play."
After a few seconds...
Girl: "Red Light!"
Boy: "Fire engines don't stop for red lights."


Why does everyone think my Dads are gay?


The postman knocked on my door this morning with a parcel in his hand "can you sign for this" he said.
I replied "Think you have the wrong house, the deaf kid lives next door"


It's my son's first school nativity play today, and it's the proudest day of my life.
I've finally won the Champion's League on Football Manager. I can't wait till he gets home from school so I can tell him about it.


Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dave.
Dave who?
Dave holds back tears as he realizes his mother's Alzheimers is getting worse


I really wanted to become an investigator but I just didn't have a clue where to start.


I learn from the mistakes of others who have taken my advice


What's common between toys and breasts?
They are made for children, but men usually play with them.


why is a scottish man with a cold like a soldier with seven days leave?
because they both have a wee cough


A gay guy just called me an arsehole.
Does that mean he likes me?


Sexist jokes are so unfair on women
Because they cant hear them from the kitchen


Do gun manuals have a "trouble shooting?" section?


Every time I pour a round of drinks it goes all over the place.
I think I need glasses


Last night I tried to go out for an Italian Meal, but there was a huge woman standing in the doorway.
I couldn't get pasta


I've just upgraded to Sky HD.
I'm impressed.
The phrase 'No satellite signal is being received' has never been so colourful and clear


My girlfriend told me she liked to be "Swept off her feet" by a man.
So I took out her legs with a broom.


It really annoys me when people mix up your and you're .
I think there idiots


How does a Welshman find his sheep in the snow?
Simply Irresistible


My wife gave birth to our beautiful baby son last week and I feel like the proudest father alive.
I've just got one question though:
At what age do they stop being black


We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police


'I thought about running the marathon again'
'You've run the marathon?'
'No but I thought about it before'


I'm so jealous of the couple across the road. They've got this huge marquee attached to the house and they must be having one hell of a party as the police keep turning up


I've just renamed my wifi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02".
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while


Last night I settled down to eat some Ben and Jerry's with a DVD.
I couldn't be arsed to wash up a spoon


I'm sick of hearing about what happened when Jesus was born:
To be honest, I'd rather know what he did on his 18th


I've just seen Bob Holness working in my local DVD rental store.
And that's blockbusters


I've always wondered:
How do people in Norfolk stick up their middle finger?


Potatoes wrapped in tin-foil and kept in a cupboard become a welcome consolation if your house burns down


My father once told me
"Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it's something your father told you."


In my entire life I've never had a splinter.
Hopefully I won't ever get one, well 'Touch wood'
Ouch!... 5h1t.


A man loses his wife at the airport and is looking for her when he stumbles across a man who has also done the same.
To help identify each other's wives the guy asks him what his woman looks like.
The other man replies, "slim, long legs, natural blonde hair, blue eyes, high heels, tight hugging dress and stockings. What about yours?"
"F*** it!" the first man says, "lets both look for yours instead!"


I used to install mirrors, which is a job i could always see myself doing.


I did some of that wife swapping last night.
I now have a set of new golf clubs

I love Jesus.
He's born, I get presents.
He dies, I get chocolate


If you don't sin, Jesus died for nothing


North Korea has a space programme.
But it isn't as good as Star Trek


Thinking of travelling abroad to 'get to know yourself'?
Let me save you the hassle.... you're a twat.


I'm not a competitive person.
I'll be the first to admit it


For the past few weeks I've been pretending I'm a famous tennis player from the seventies and early eighties.
My girlfriend must think i was Bjorn yesterday


I've found a website where, if you log on to it, they give you a free chain.
I'll send you the link


I was in an English exam and they asked "Write the past tense of 'Think'"
I thought and thought about this for ages.
Eventually, I went for 'Thunk'


My youngest daughter asked me why the bacon makes popping and whistling noises when it's sizzling in the pan.
I told her it's because that part of the pig is still alive and doesn't like being cooked.
I probably shouldn't be a parent


I have a friend named Jay.
We call him J for short


I bought Bonnie Tyler's car last year on ebay.
It's f***ing awful, every now and then it falls apart


So Arnie has stepped down as governor of California.
He'll be back


Prison taught me the error of my ways
I'm gonna wear a mask next time


Dolphins are more intelligent than I realised.
within days of being held in captivity they can train Americans to stand there and throw fish at them.


I got thrown out of Ikea.
Turns out "Scatter cushions" isn't an instruction


Have you heard Jordan and Peter Andre are fighting over custody of Harvey Price?
Eventually one of them will lose and they'll have to keep him


I wonder if dolphins have tattoos of fat chicks on their fins


You can tell a lot about a woman by her underwear.
My neighbour wears a purple thong and hates people peeking in her window


My Muslim friend text me last week. 'Av u bin 2 nu shoppn centr n wots it like?'
I hadn't been so I replied, 'No, havent gon, why dont u go down n c4 urself?'
Didn't really think that one through. Ah well at least a few survived


'You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family' they say.
Bollocks. I bought my wife from a Thai bride catalogue and made her leave her kids in Bangkok


Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me


Neighbours pointed out that Ivy on our roof was getting dangerous. I told them there was nothing I could do.
Once Nan sobered up, she'd stop throwing slates and come down herself


Commuters: Convince passing traffic you were on 'Come Dine With Me' by riding a black cab home and holding up laminated numbers


The Archbishop of Canterbury is to marry Prince William.
Bit of a blow for Kate Middleton, then


I have a very cunning wife.
She spends so much on herself I can't afford to see other women


I came so close to winning the lottery this week.
My next door neighbour won it


I got into a fight on a ski slope.
It started with a push and then things just snowballed.


I saw some tightrope walkers the other day.
What a weird flavour for a packet of crisps


Tattoos are great for preserving memories.
Otherwise I would have totally forgotten about that anchor


My wife said to me, "I wish I had a pound for everytime you've called me fat."
I said, "You have."


Fool people into thinking you've been to Madame Tussauds by having your photo taken with various celebrities


I've just watched an old episode of Happy Days and I put the blame squarely on the Fonz for creating a generation that tries to fix electronics by hitting them!


I'll tell you a couple of things that make me jump.
My legs

The new Government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive
around Cairo sounding their car horns.
It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to
tranquillity and normality.

...Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week

I had some good news today: BBC2 have commissioned my new show about what goes on inside a cockpit.
We're filming the pilot next week


I've got a trial soon at Old Trafford, to see if I'm up to scratch and whether Sir Alex Ferguson will use me.
To be honest, it's the biggest day in any young referee's career


I found a way to stop people from having gay sex.
Legalise gay marriage


Is it still kidnapping if you steal a baby goat?


I've just been fired after a week at my new job installing telegraph poles, when I asked the boss why?
He said "well Dave has laid fifty and you only laid five!"
I said "Yeah but did you see how far he left them sticking out?"


Why pay the normal price for a computer, when you can pay twice as much and get a picture of an apple on it?


My wife dropped a load of saucepans in the kitchen. It made a right old din.
However, my Chinese neighbour knocked on the door to ask if he could borrow the CD


Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer.
Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents


I've just received a doctors appointment regarding my constipation.
Unfortunately I can't go


I was in Scotland the other day and I walked past a battered women's refuge.
They'll deep fry anything up there


I have blue eyes.
I got them from my father.
My mother has black eyes.
She also got them from my father


I had to lie on a job application today.
In the section on your health it asks "Do you suffer from dyslexia"?
I simply wrote "on".


I phoned Duncan Bannatyne today, but got his answering machine.
He was out


My son needed a Bone Marrow transplant & we found a perfect match in Argentina. The operation took place & was a great success.
My thanks go out to Diego, Marrow Donor


My wife and I, we don't think alike.
She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless


I broke into a travel agent and stole all their brochures.
My brief reckons I could go away for a long time


I can hear this high frequency noise in my head.
My brain hertz


The girlfriend's been doing a lot of running lately and was telling me how she'd dropped 4 dress sizes today.
The security guard chasing her had to pick them up


My neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30am this morning, can you believe that 2.30am?
Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums


I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.
I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."
But she did


I was out on a date with this girl I've been seeing recently. She is a little bit down in the dumps all the time though so I cracked a few gags to lighten her mood.
She didn't laugh at all so I asked what was up.
"I'm sorry" she said. "I haven't been able to laugh much since my mum died last year".
I thought "What a sick bitch. The last time she laughed was when her mum died?"


A man walked into a library and asked for a book on innuendo, so the librarian gave him one


It's a dog eat dog world.
Especially when you buy your pet food at Lidl


I'm busy writing a joke about a house party that had nobody waiting in the queue for the alcohol based fruit drink.
There's no punchline


'The early bird catches the worm' probably isn't the best chat up line


I phoned my boss to pull a sickie this morning. I had to put on a voice though, to make it sound like I was genuinely unfit for work.
So I used a scouse accent


My granddad has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo


I've set up a new business;
I buy bacon in bulk and then sell slices to people as fire alarm testing kits.


I got home from work last night and caught my mate shagging my missus, so I stabbed him to death.
My missus said, "carry on like that and you won't have any mates left."


I was alone in the house lying in bed last night when I heard someone fart.
I didn't know whether to laugh or be scared


I'd give my left arm to be ambidextrous


Men don't snore.
We Sleep Roar!


Scientists claim that Britain moves 3 inches away from America each year.
I suppose every little helps


There was an accident on the motorway today.
I tried to help the victims but there was so much blood that I felt sick and had to leave.
I'm sure they'll be OK until a different ambulance gets there


Scientists claim that Britain moves 3 inches away from America each year.
Well aren't we also moving 3 inches closer to them as well, since the world is round?


I was burgling someones house last night when i farted...
I bet they were scared at first, but then they just started laughing...


I was arrested last week for spray-painting the word 'mirder' all over the town where I live.
I tell people I was banged up for attempted murder


My dad is the Yorkshire Ripper.
He engraves the RIP on gravestones in Leeds


Our Brazilian housekeeper is rubbish at making the beds.
She's very tidy downstairs though


Fool people into thinking you have a social life by going offline for a few hours


I had to come home from work early today, to feed my baby turtles.
My son has a weird diet


My wife works although it's difficult to say what she does.
She sells sea shells on the sea-shore


"BT it's good to talk"
That's ironic , I've been on the phone to customer care for 3 hours now and still on f***ing hold....


A man goes into a library and doesn't ask for a book. Instead he uses his own eyes and common sense.
This places no burden on the librarian, who subsequently has no need to say anything.


A German bloke reckoned he could knock me out before I could knock him out.
I beat him- Hans Down


My mate has lost all his fingers to frostbite.
He reckons his life has become pointless.


Convince others you are full of great ideas by sellotaping a light bulb to the top of your head


I caused an uproar at the zoo today.
I was filling lions with helium


An elderly couple are sat in church, the old lady leans over to the husband and says,
"oh dear I've just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"
The husband replies "get a new hearing aid"


I'm a bus driver, and I've fitted my vehicle with TV screens. It's very popular, especially on Sundays.
If you miss your favourite soap through the week, you can always catch up with Eastenders on me bus


When is an optimist forced to say "it's half empty"
After opening a bag of Walkers


I like to recreate Hungry Hippos by going to Weight Watchers and rolling Maltesers across the floor


I recently watched a Heather Mills interview where she burst into tears.
She said she'd been called a gold digger.
She has to see it from our point of view, she does resemble a pirate


I'm in trouble with the wife, we were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body!
Apparently "identify it" wasn't the right answer


So i went travelling for a year, and I met this chick in kiev


My Granddad. He cant do what he used to do anymore, Bless him.
You know, bomb the Japanese


My pet octopus has given birth. It was a surprise as we didn't even know she was pregnant.
But we had an inkling


I think my doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear...
I overheard him telling his collegue that I had "Serious healthy shoes"


Dont you just hate rhetorical questions?


I bought an exercise bike to help me lose weight and it really works.
Every night I lose 6 pounds when I hang my clothes on it before I get into bed


A priest, a paedophile and a rapist walk into a bar.
Then a second guy walks in


I have just been sacked from my job at the local trouser alteration shop.
They told me I didn't turn up enough


I said to my wife last night "Right, off to the pub, get your coat on"
She replied "Why? Are you taking me with you?"
I said "No, I'm turning the heating off"


I think that I should be awarded extra marks for avoiding the question in my Politics essay.
I mean, that's how the professionals do it.


Got kicked out of a football ground the other day.
Apparently, singing, "And it's all gone quiet over there" at the opposition's fans during the minute of silence before kick off was in bad taste and inconsiderate...


Interviewer: Now, could you describe yourself in 3 words for me?
Me: Lazy


The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here".
A time traveller walks into a bar


Emma Watson has been quoted as saying she would go naked in a film if asked.
Emma, would you go naked in a film please?


I come from a mixed race background.
My father was an 800m specialist and my mother was a hurdler


My New Year's resolution is to stop leaving things so late


Seems to me like most rioting in the world happens in the countries with the least bacon


Why are hurricanes and cyclones always given non threatening names, like Wilma and George?
Surely, 'hurricane run like f***' or 'cyclone b*st*rd' would be more appropriate?


Im one of these lucky men to have a urinal in my bathroom
Or a bathroom sink as my wife calls it


I'm quite angry with myself for not knowing I had schizophrenia all these years


Why do women say they have a ladder in their tights?
Because they don't want to be told they have a tight hole


Do transvestites retain the ability to reverse park?

What do you do with dead elements?
Barium


Last Tango In Paris star Maria Schneider dies at 58 after a long illness
I was hoping she was getting butter


A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper.
Teacher: What is this?
Kid: It's a drawing of a cow eating grass.
Teacher: (looked at the paper) Where's the grass?
Kid: The cow ate all of it.
Teacher: (looked at the paper again)Then, where's the cow?
Kid: It left because there was no more grass


I dropped my mobile phone in the bath yesterday.
I said to my wife, "My phone is f***ed".
She said, "It might still work, have you tried ringing it?"
I said, "Yes, but not much water is coming out".


Where do people who live in Ibiza go on holiday?


I got that " Meet beautiful women in your area " add pop up the other day,
But when I took my laptop to Bradford it just said " Searching...... ".


I f***ed an old woman on her mobility scooter yesterday.
I disconnected the battery and let the tyres down


Got the missus a nice new bag and belt for valentines day.
Hoovers fine now


How do deaf people tell the difference between a yawn and a scream?


Irritable Bowel Syndrome is the world's number 2 health problem


A fat kid comes home from school and says to his Mother, "I got the highest score in PE today."
"Well done," says his Mother.
"By the way Mum, what is BMI?"


I was really scared on my first night in prison.
There was a horror film on the 52 inch plasma TV in my cell


Boy: Hi
Girl: What?
Boy: How are you?
Girl: Do I know you?
Boy: I'm rich
Girl: Hi, I am Emma I'm 20 nice to meet you!
Boy: No no, "Rich" is my name
Girl: Sorry I don't talk to people I don't know


My new girlfriend dumped me for not being a gentleman.
Apparently I should have opened the door for her instead of just swimming to the surface myself


A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new p*nis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So, the doctor says, You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over 17 years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite worktops for the kitchen."


I got some new aftershave today that smells like bread crumbs , the birds love it!


I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.


On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought what a good idea, why don’t we have them in England.


The lead actor in the local pantomime Aladdin was sexually abused from behind on stage last night.
To be fair the audience did try to warn him.


I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then she accidently knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk.
She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said;
"Get a f***ing grip, you stupid bitch."


'You can tell a lot about a person by their car.'
For example, if it's in a ditch, it belongs to a woman.


A wife asks her husband, a software engineer; "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."


I was going to make a herb salad the other day... but I just couldn't find the Thyme


I told my wife that she always makes me think of that Roy Orbison song...
"Pretty Woman?" she giggled.
No, "Crying."


I bought David Beckham's old iPod on eBay,and he had left a single track on it.
I dont know who it was by,but the lyrics went "Breath in,Breath out.Breath in,Breath out"


I'm not saying staff at my local Sainsbury's are inept, but I've used self checkout twice and I've already been named Employee of the Month.


In a Scottish classroom, the teacher asks a student,
"If you have 5 pounds, and I ask you to borrow 2, how many pounds do you have left?"
"5."


I know it's impossible but...
I'm sure that gays are breeding.


Apparently Wayne Rooney was deprived as a child.
Of oxygen by the looks of it


I met two girls down the pub last night who had strong Cardiff accents.
I said, "I know that accent. You two ladies are from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Wales, you idiot," one of them replied.
"Sorry," I said, "You two whales are from Scotland, aren't you?"


Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

I'm not sure how big the computers are in New Zealand but I just heard a girl on the News say she had to take cover under a disk


I've bought two 100m tickets for the 2012 Olympics.
You should have seen the size of the envelope they came in


My mother and I were separated at birth


A midget goes to the doctors,
"Doctor Doctor, my fanny is really itchy can you help me out?"
"Let me have a look" the doctor replies and lifts up her skirt.
Snip snip
"How's the feel?" The doctor asked
"It feels better but it still itches" The midget replys
The doctor lifts up her skirt again
Snip snip
"Is that better?"
"Oh my god, that's perfect! What did you do?" The midget asked
"I cut the fur off your ugg boots" the doctor replies


NEWS: British government to reduce army by 7,000 soldiers.....
Probably by equipping them with insufficient equipment and sending them to Afghanistan


I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled parking space outside work this morning.
I thought to myself, "I wonder what his handicap is?"


I saw an alcoholic eating grapes the other day.
I said "hey, you have to wait!"


I got chatting to a lumberjack in a pub.
He seemed like a decent feller


What do you call a man who has been in a fire?
Ash


Comic Relief is coming up yet again.
I hope Lenny Henry does a sponsored silence


I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder


Whats a gingers favorite sexual fantasy?
A twosome


A musically talented friend of mine has recently died. He was struck by lightning.
It's such a shame... He was a great conductor


I was lying next to my new girlfriend and I said, "you're different to all the other girls I've slept with."
She said, "that's because I'm a bloke, you tw@t."
That's what I love about Martin... She's got a great sense of humour.


Sylvester Stallone, please sort your mum out.
She's gone mental again and is on TV proclaiming to be the ruler of Libya


Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi has requested to be returned from Libya to a Scottish prison for his safety.


Apparently there's been an attempted assasination of Colonel Gaddafi by a gunman.
His bodyguard was heard shouting "Gaddafi Duck!"


Do gay Dads become disappointed when their sons take up football instead of dancing?


I played chess with my foriegn exchange student last night . .
Czech Mate


Of all the kitchen related injuries, Hobnob is the most painful


What goes 1, 24, 109, 150 ?
A postman delivering in new zealand