A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."


Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Anthony Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.


The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.


She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Anthony Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

That is just SOOOOOOOOO bad

it may be bad but you know you love it!

Groan....

Pete

I love the old jokes - you know when to groan!

One day in a little Cornish seafood restaurant Gervais the head chef was taking a collection of freshly caught produce from a local fisherman.Now this restaurants speciality was Kalimari, one of those "pick one from the tank and we'll cook it" places. Anyhoo, Gervais noticed that one of the Squid was particularly ugly.
"I'm not buying that one", said Gervais,"its way too ugly and we'll never sell it.
"Sorry mate but i'm sellin them as a job lot me ansum" said the fisherman.
Gervais reluctantly took all the squid and put them in the tank. Now this little fellow was really ugly, not only was he a sickly pale green colour but he appeared to have what looked like a moustache!
After a few months most of the stock had come and gone several times over but little ugly bugger was still there and all the staff started to get quite attached to him.
One night a bunch of drunken stag-nighters came in and started consulting the menu. When the waiter came over, one of the guys eyed up little ugly bugger and said," i want im please mate!"
The waiter was horrified and tried to talk him out of it but the guy was determined to have his way.
When Gervais heard he too was horrified but had to do his job, so he scooped little ugly bugger out of the tank and took him to the kitchen and laid him out on the chopping board, he raised his cleaver and...................................................................just couldn't do it, it was like family.
Gervais decided that Hans the German student could it, Hans was only hear for the summer working part time washing up so he wasn't as close to little ugly bugger as every one else was.
So Hans picked up the cleaver and raised it in the air but just as he was about to bring down the final blow he too crumbled.

The moral of the story...................



(this is really bad).............




Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervais, with mild green hairy lipped squid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, that's it.... i'm going to shoot myself!

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but Polly has passed away".
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any tests on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador.
As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot front top to bottom. He then looked at the vet, shook his head and barked.
The vet patted the dog, took it out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who jumped up and also sniffed the bird on the table. The cat sat back, shook its head and meowed. It then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is dead."
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, produced a bill and handed it to the woman.
Still puzzled, the parrot's owner took the bill and looked at it.
"£ 200!" she cried. "Just to tell me my bird is dead?! That's ridiculous!"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been £15, but... with the Lab report and the Cat scan..."

Now that's better....

THE BACON TREE

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
when all of a sudden.......


"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".


"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".


So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and
there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.


There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you
can imagine!!


"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".


"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget".


"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees
no meerage, ees a bacon tree".


And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens
up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally
wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his
dying breath.


"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"


"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"


"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....


.........


Ees.....


Ees.....


Ees.....


Ees, a Ham Bush"

hehe like it

A Classic?

A team of sociologists have planned an experiment in isolation. They send an American, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island, and arrange to come back and pick them up in a years time to see how they have adapted. The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves. "I'm an engineer" says american, "So I'll handle building a shelter". He turns to the Frenchman and says: "You French are pretty good cooks, why don't you handle the cooking?" The Frenchman agrees, and the American turns to the Japanese man "That leaves you to organise the supplies" he says. The Japanese man agrees and each man sets about his tasks.

A year passes, and the sociologists return to see how the men have done.

They expect to find three desperate men, unhappy with having to live on the island, but instead find a huge wooden house with verandas and porches and balconies. The American comes to greet them, and when they express their surprise about the house he just shrugs and says "Yeah well I had a lot of raw materials so I kind of went to town and did the place up"

The teams are amazed and are shown inside to the kitchen where they're greeted with the most amazing smell of delicious food. The Frenchman sees their surprise and just shrugs "I had lots to work with" he says, "This island has loads of edible herbs and plants."

The team sits down to eat and are about to start when one of them inquires about the Japanese man.

"Oh we don't know what happened to him" explains the American, he ran off into the woods to sort out the supplies and hasn't been seen since."

They all agree that they should find the man, and a search party is organised.

They make it about 100 yards into the woods, when the Japanese man jumps out from behind a tree, stark naked with peacock feathers sticking out of his bottom and shouts:

"SUPPLIES!!"