Quiz 1
A man goes to the cinema with his son. They both leave after the film and on the way home are in a terrible car accident. The father is killed outright and his son is rushed into hospital with serious injuries. At the hospital it is decided that the son needs urgent operation. The surgeon takes one look at him and says "I cant operate on this boy as it is my son!". How can this be?


Quiz 2
A snail has aspirations of being a climber. It starts to climb a wall one day and it takes him all day to ascend 4 feet. He falls asleep and slips down 3 feet. In short he manages to do 1 foot in one day. How many days would it take for him to reach the summit of the 10foot wall?

1) The surgeon is his mother.

2) 7 days.

Do i get a prize?

Pete

Quiz 1

The son's surgeon is his mother - bu88er misses the prize!!!

[Edited on 22-8-05 by Hellfire]

Too slow

Pete

If it takes 10 men 2 days to dig a hole then how long will it take 5 men to dig half a hole ?

2 days?

No such thing as half a hole

Pete

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional" ...


Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?



The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?



Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator"? (Wrong Answer) Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?



Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true bilities.


4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it ?



Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

Very funny!

Pete

MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE NORTH:

NAME _________________________
NICK-NAME ____________________
GANG NAME ____________________


1. Deco has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Vinno for 300 quid and 90 grams to Tomo for 90 quid a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Anto pimps 3 brassers. If the price is 40 quid a royde, how many roydes per day must each brasser perform to support Vinno's 500 quid a day crack habit?

3. Whacker wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid, to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?

4. Christy got 6 years for murder. He also got 350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends 33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for killing the slapper that spent his money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square meters and the average letter is 1 square meter, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?

6. Liamo steals Eamo's skateboard. As Liamo skates away at a speed of 35mph, Eamo loads his brother's armalite. If it takes Eamo 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liamo have travelled when he gets whacked?


MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE SOUTH:

NAME ___________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
___________________

(if longer, please continue on separate sheet)

SCHOOL____________________
DADDY'S COMPANY___________

1. Julian smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing three people. The old man asks his local TD to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance
settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Julian driving now?

2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Chloe doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Roly fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?

4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?

5. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does his Sunday Independent column start?