adithorp
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| posted on 1/4/09 at 07:40 PM |
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Proper tool use.
I have some of these tools but I didn't know thier proper uses when I got them.
DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your
beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh-- '
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL : Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and
the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race
TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.
BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the
trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your
palms.
PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMN-IT TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.
adrian
"A witty saying proves nothing" Voltaire
http://jpsc.org.uk/forum/
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mistergrumpy
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| posted on 1/4/09 at 07:47 PM |
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A very old one but a good one. I posted this in 2006
here
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Ben_Copeland
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| posted on 1/4/09 at 07:49 PM |
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Ben
Locost Map on Google Maps
Z20LET Astra Turbo, into a Haynes
Roadster
Enter Your Details Here
http://www.facebook.com/EquinoxProducts for all your bodywork needs!
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Staple balls
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| posted on 1/4/09 at 07:49 PM |
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iscmatt
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| posted on 1/4/09 at 07:56 PM |
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That is spot on!!
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Agriv8
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| posted on 1/4/09 at 08:24 PM |
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well i had not seen it and had to stop reading half way trough due to the giggles wife wants to know whats funny but doen not relly understand.
regards
agriv8
Taller than your average Guy !
Management is like a tree of monkeys. - Those at the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. BUT Those at the bottom look up and see a
tree full of a*seholes .............
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mistergrumpy
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| posted on 1/4/09 at 08:56 PM |
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It's a man thing eh and what's better is you can relate to all of them.
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greggors84
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| posted on 1/4/09 at 09:01 PM |
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quote:
Originally posted by adithorp
DAMN-IT TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.
Im never as polite as that!!
Chris
The Magnificent 7!
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Danozeman
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| posted on 1/4/09 at 09:31 PM |
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quote:
DAMN-IT TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.
I think this has several names.
I often call it the " you f*****g c**t come off" tool.
But then i talk to it nicely and it comes undone.
A bloke i used to work with slung something across the workshop nearly every day but it normally seemed to be a pair of long nose pliers. They wizzed
passed my leg on several occasions followed by the word C***.
Dan
Built the purple peril!! Let the modifications begin!!
http://www.eastangliankitcars.co.uk
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tegwin
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| posted on 1/4/09 at 10:03 PM |
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Its when they throw a meat tenderiser...it whizzes past your head and straight through an enormous patio door and on into the garden...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Would the last person who leaves the country please switch off the lights and close the door!
www.verticalhorizonsmedia.tv
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dhutch
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| posted on 1/4/09 at 11:48 PM |
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quote:
Originally posted by adithorp
Proper tool use.
quote:
Originally posted by mistergrumpy
A very old one but a good one. I posted this in 2006
here
x2
Daniel
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speedyxjs
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| posted on 2/4/09 at 07:43 AM |
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How long can i resist the temptation to drop a V8 in?
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aerosam
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| posted on 2/4/09 at 08:06 AM |
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quote:
Originally posted by adithorp
DAMN-IT TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.
My garage doors bear many a scar of this particular tool.
Had enough of this dictatorship known as LCB. Gone elsewhere, not coming back. Kiss my ass ChrisW.
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40inches
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| posted on 2/4/09 at 08:44 AM |
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You spend hours laid on your back under the tin top trying to get the bolt through the bottom wishbone bush, you've run out of skin on your
knuckles,your hairs matted with crap, you say "F*** it" and go and make a coffee. Half an hour later you have another go and the
barsteward slides in by itself!!!! Why do they do that?
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JeffHs
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| posted on 2/4/09 at 09:42 AM |
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Or you lie underneath your car for 2 hours trying to line up the impossible parts so you can slip in the bolt/bush that you're holding between
your lips. Suddenly it looks like it's going to fit, you open your lips to drop the bolt only to swallow it because you've been there so
long you forgot you were upside down!
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40inches
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| posted on 2/4/09 at 09:56 AM |
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Vindi_andy
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| posted on 2/4/09 at 10:07 AM |
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quote:
Originally posted by adithorp
DAMN-IT TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.
adrian
This is quite often the wife when she asks " why dint you try ........?" when you just spent 2 hours under the car upside down contrted
into allsorts of funny shapes so you can get that last bit into wherever it needs to go.
At this point she stomps off and you secretly try what she has suggested and lo and behold it works better than the way you were trying to do it 
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Agriv8
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| posted on 2/4/09 at 01:56 PM |
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quote:
Originally posted by Vindi_andy
quote:
Originally posted by adithorp
DAMN-IT TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.
adrian
This is quite often the wife when she asks " why dint you try ........?" when you just spent 2 hours under the car upside down contrted
into allsorts of funny shapes so you can get that last bit into wherever it needs to go.
At this point she stomps off and you secretly try what she has suggested and lo and behold it works better than the way you were trying to do it
Yea but NEVER EVER EVER ADMIT it and take it to the grave
Taller than your average Guy !
Management is like a tree of monkeys. - Those at the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. BUT Those at the bottom look up and see a
tree full of a*seholes .............
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carpmart
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| posted on 3/4/09 at 08:34 AM |
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Old but very funny and ironically correct!
You only live once - make the most of it!
Radical Clubsport, Kwaker motor
'94 MX5 MK1, 1.8
F10 M5 - 600bhp Daily Hack 
Range Rover Sport - Wife's Car
Mercedes A class - Son's Car
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Staple balls
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| posted on 4/4/09 at 02:17 AM |
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Just remembered this photo I got sent a while ago, seems fitting to put it here.
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NS Dev
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| posted on 5/4/09 at 09:06 AM |
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quote:
Originally posted by JeffHs
Or you lie underneath your car for 2 hours trying to line up the impossible parts so you can slip in the bolt/bush that you're holding between
your lips. Suddenly it looks like it's going to fit, you open your lips to drop the bolt only to swallow it because you've been there so
long you forgot you were upside down!
LOL think I'm crying now!!!
have to say I think this is the only one of all the above I actually haven't done!!!!
Retro RWD is the way forward...........automotive fabrication, car restoration, sheetmetal work, engine conversion
retro car restoration and tuning
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