Fred W B
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| posted on 19/10/07 at 12:48 PM |
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Garage commandments
Found on another forum.
Cheers
Fred W B
May God Bless our garages and contents therein, as well as our goods works we doith in said garages!
Womans Commandments:
The garage shall be forever kept as the sacred realm of the Man. No lacy curtains nor gingham privacy panels shall be allowed on the windows of the
sacred garage.
The garage shall not be cleaned, except in cases of extreme need, such as when a pair of holy Vise-Grip locking pliers hath gone missing.
Sawdust, grease, and oil are the holy sacraments of the garage, and thus must never be disposed of in haste or with malice.
Honor thy rags.
Complaineth not when the Man's Friends cometh over to work on a vehicle on a Thursday night until 2:00 a.m. Be thee grateful that the Man and
his Friends are not attending stimulating performances of voluptuous harlots at Shotgun Willies on this evening.
Thou shalt not remove the beer bottles from the front yard before work in the garage hath yet been completed. Yea, the front yard must be considered
an extension of the garage when the garage door remaineth in an uprighl position.
Honor the Man and his Friends at all times, even when one of these Friends dropeth a heavy steel wheel in the driveway at 12:30 a.m., awakening
thyself and wrathful neighbors who calleth to complain.
Storeth not antique doll houses in the garage.
Thou shalt not ask the Man to bring in the groceries when you see that his hands are greasy, or that he is underneath a car working on the evil
U-joint.
Adjust not the volume of music that playeth in the garage. Impose not your questionable music tastes on those who savor the druidic chant of Rage
Against The Machine at 11 p.m.
Borroweth not the hammer of the Man which hangeth in position on the blessed pegboard. If thou breakest this commandment, at least have the courtesy
to place the hammer back in correct position on the blessed pegboard. No, putting it on the workbench isn't good enough---how wouldst the man
know to looketh there?
Tools of the garage shouldst remain in the garage at all times, excepting when the Man shall use them for home repair, in which case the sacred tools
must remain wherever the Man leaves them, verily including even the kitchen counter and the hallway.
Leaveth not the tools of the Man on the back porch, lest they become rusty from rain.
Loaneth not the tools of the Man to your dodgy work friends who hath not earned tools of their own.
Pulleth not your car into the garage whilst a repair doth transpire in the other bay. The space is needed for many great deliberations and ritual beer
drinking. Considereth any precipitation removal that may be required from your vehicle the next morning as a small penance to pay in comparison to the
bloody knuckles, hangover, and bodily suffering borne by the Man.
Covet not the eleven Phillips head screwdrivers on the Man's pegboard, and cast not thy insults on the Man's need for additional
screwdrivers in the future. Each screwdriver serves a unique, substitution-impossible purpose.
Thou shalt not remove the multitude of straightened, oddly-formed, spray-paint-encrusted coat hangers dangling from the garage ceiling. Resist the
temptation to dispose of these humble tools, and your rewards shall include a freshly painted iron planter---as soon as the Man finishes working on
his bike, car or four-wheel-drive vehicle, of course.
Respect the large piece of cardboard against the garage wall. The Man useth it to lay on when he is under the car. Touch it not, lest lightning strike
thee dead.
Mens garage commandments
Maintaineth a minimum of six retracting tape measures, or findeth not one when needed.
Obayeth the Flat Surface Rule. Always put down the tool you are using on the nearest flat surface. Then look for it elsewhere---stopeth for a beer
when discouraged.
I sayeth to you: No sweeter sound ever shall be heard than thy own air impact wrench in thy own garage.
Blessed be thy neighbor who bringeth beer when in need of all mighty tool.
Let not thunder nor rain nor snow interrupt thy work except for thy loss of power.
Bless thy latest part and let it worketh and not be cause for casting blasphemy as thy parts wench shall surely have retired for the night.
Give man patience to not kill thy child that borroweth thy tool and not returneth within thy year.
Bless thee wench that stocketh thy beer fridge without being asketh.
You can do it quickly. You can do it cheap. You can do it right. – Pick any two.
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Jasper
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| posted on 19/10/07 at 01:04 PM |
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Very good - and very true 
If you're not living life on the edge you're taking up too much room.
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Confused but excited.
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| posted on 19/10/07 at 02:18 PM |
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Verily t'will be posted in the holy sepulcre, before this day endeth!
Tell them about the bent treacle edges!
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mistergrumpy
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| posted on 19/10/07 at 04:21 PM |
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All sounds fine. Don't touch, move or even think about moving nowt. It ain't yours so don't do it!
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omega 24 v6
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| posted on 19/10/07 at 04:33 PM |
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For the times when all is going tits up
Thy shalt not ask stupid questions.
If it looks wrong it probably is wrong.
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