Various Humour
Christmas Carols from the psychiatric ward…
Schizophrenia
Do you hear what I hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder
We three queens disoriented are
Dementia
I think I'll be home for Christmas
Narcissistic Disorder
Hark the Herald Angels sing about me
Manic
Deck the halls and walls and house and lawn and streets and shops and
cars and buses and trees and everything else with holly
Paranoid
Santa Claus is coming to get me
Suicidal
Thoughts of roasting on an open fire
Attention Deficit Disorder
You'd better watch out, I'm gonna cry, I'm gonna pout, maybe I'll shout
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle bells
Dear Friends
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since
you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave
under your tree at Christmas.
I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we
had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD
from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked
up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for
doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4
calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear
tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.
On top of all this! Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer
are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who
can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.
Maybe next year I will be able to get my poo together and bring you the
things you want. This year I suggest you get your rears down to Walmart
before everything is gone.
Love, Santa.
Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to GirlFriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2,
which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are
apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution
was to try and run GirlFriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, GirlFriend 1.0 is incompatible with several
other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and
Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a
shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus
in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the
same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each
other, they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this
product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0
tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with
FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2003.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be
very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were
automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and
can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter
products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the
problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating
regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and
Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife
1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources.
These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning
me that they are an illegal operation.
Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often
crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called
MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could
be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife
1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before
uninstalling itself.
Any Ideas?
When you're up to your ass in alligators you tend to forget the initial objective was to drain the swamp !.
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posted on 14/12/04 at 12:50 PM
