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 posted on 6/1/06 at 08:56 AM |
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Tools for beginners
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket
you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light,
its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels
by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds
off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from
the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful
for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next
tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities
following our every deficiency in foresight.
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David Jenkins
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| posted on 6/1/06 at 09:24 AM |
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I use the dammit tool quite a lot...
David
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graememk
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| posted on 6/1/06 at 10:15 PM |
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Have you been to my garage ?
do you already know me ?
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Genesis
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| posted on 7/1/06 at 12:43 AM |
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Spooky - have we met?
Going fishin'
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steve_gus
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| posted on 7/1/06 at 09:42 PM |
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every socket set seems (or seemed to have) Whitworth sockets - anyone actually ever used one?
atb
steve
http://www.locostbuilder.co.uk
Just knock off the 's'!
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gazza285
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| posted on 7/1/06 at 09:45 PM |
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Whitworth? Used to use it a lot on classic British motorcycles, and for adjusting the seat on my Raleigh Grifter.
DO NOT PUT ON KNOB OR BOLLOCKS!
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indykid
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| posted on 8/1/06 at 12:31 PM |
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i have!
i've used one for knocking bearing races in, also for pressing bushes out, never actually for a whitworth nut/bolt though.
tom
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irvined
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| posted on 8/1/06 at 10:45 PM |
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I use them occasionally, I've found them ideal for solving the problem you get when you use a 13mm spanner on a 1/2" nut rounding it or
deforming it so neither one fits right. You hammer the smaller whitworth socket onto the rounded mess and it works a treat, although i've found
i can never reliably get the socket off the nut 
http://irvined.blogspot.com
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Mark Allanson
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| posted on 8/1/06 at 10:54 PM |
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As it doesn't really matter if you break one, the next time you have a rounded nut, get a WW socket which is over size and put a ball bearing in
the socket and put it over the nut and undo, 9 time out of 10 it will pull it off. 1 in 10 it will crack the socket though.
If you can keep you head, whilst all others around you are losing theirs, you are not fully aware of the situation
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Triton
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| posted on 8/1/06 at 11:13 PM |
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weld them together to make stupid shapes......and sell to numpties
My Daughter has taken over production of the damn fine Triton race seats and her contact email is emmatrs@live.co.uk.
www.tritonraceseats.com
www.hairyhedgehog.com
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Mark Allanson
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| posted on 8/1/06 at 11:27 PM |
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are there any numpties within threemiles of you?
If you can keep you head, whilst all others around you are losing theirs, you are not fully aware of the situation
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robinbastd
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| posted on 8/1/06 at 11:48 PM |
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quote:
Originally posted by Mark Allanson
are there any numpties within threemiles of you?
In your case that could be Gulval,in my case it would be ************** wouldn't it?
Only a dead fish swims with the tide.
http://smuttygifts.com/
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Triton
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| posted on 8/1/06 at 11:57 PM |
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Well i never laughed so much at a computer before........cheers for that
My Daughter has taken over production of the damn fine Triton race seats and her contact email is emmatrs@live.co.uk.
www.tritonraceseats.com
www.hairyhedgehog.com
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